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There’s something that’s been on my mind for quite a long time now and I think i’d like to get it off of my chest.
I’ve always been someone that has had a difficult time fitting in anywhere. I’ve never been a confident person and when I have days when I can speak up and be social I can get carried away easily and can come across as being quite unlikeable to many.
I’ve had issues with my mental health for most of my adult life, I don’t want to go into too much detail but I hit a low point in November, to the point where I needed urgent care and to seriously take steps to improve my wellbeing.
Ever since then i’ve been very conflicted about my place in this community. I’ve always used video games as an escape, it’s never been a point of pride for me nor is it a tool to prove anything to anyone. Somewhere down the line I think i’d forgotten why I went down this rabbit hole of collecting trophies in the first place. I have an intense need to compare myself to other people and immediately assume everyone I compare myself to is better than me, which is down to my poor self esteem. Some of you will understand why this is the worst thing you can do as a trophy hunter. Don’t get me wrong, I love a challenge and I want to continue to play stuff I love, but endlessly grinding difficult trophies in an attempt to measure up to people or to gain their respect when deep down you know you’re never going to measure up to is pointless. It’s demoralising and I just don’t have the energy for it anymore.
I also took on the role of moderating the PSNP Discord shortly before this, which forced me to become a lot more active on Discord as a whole. I have a very tongue-in-cheek sense of humour and I find that it’s quite difficult for me to make rational decisions due to my temper, which plays into that idea of me being unlikeable to many, my sense of humour doesn’t translate well to text and from an outside perspective every decision I make as a moderator will always look like to wrong choice to some people, which is perfectly valid because it’s also how I feel. During the time i’ve been feeling conflicted it’s mainly been a feeling of obligation that’s kept me coming back to Discord and to this place in general, but I think i’ve reached a point where I might need a break and if i’m being honest that I feel a lot of people would be better off without me?
I don’t know anymore.. i’m genuinely considering just giving up. Sorry to vent, I just really needed to get this out in the open.
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Ill start off by saying you don't have to fit in anywhere, just be yourself and sooner or later you'll find at least one person that appreciates you for who you are. Too many on this site put some sort of false value into trophies as if its anything more than just a fun hobby, look into the person behind the account instead of their digital accomplishments that hold no weight whatsoever. Impressive trophies are just that, they don't say anything about the person who earned em. We're all cut different but for quite a few years now I've been in a place where literally nothing bothers me nor do I care about what anyone thinks of me, it's the best thing. Easier said than done but maybe somewhere down the line you'll get there but as of now seek the help you may need to overcome those obstacles, I don't think chasing difficult platinums in order to impress people you don't know is what you need. I hope that last part didn't come off wrong.
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Splasher: Got the trophy for finishing a deathless run yesterday afternoon. Just need the platinum medal for a 100% run for the platinum now so i'll be spending today learning the route and hopefully i'll have it done within the next few days