AK-1138

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About AK-1138

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    Infinite Rider on the Big Dogma
  • Birthday August 1

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    AK-1138#2165

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    Midgard
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    Film, music, video games

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  1. Watching Squid Game (it's about as good an unlicensed Splatoon adaptation as I was led to believe) and these business cards seem to be missing... something 🤔

     

    squid-game-1024x571.jpg

  2. Platinum #653:

     

    Ldd2d07.png

     

    Difficulty: 2.5/10

    Playtime: 3-4 hours

     

    Hee hee, horror games are so weird, right, audience? But no, this isn't about that other Ellen... though I guess at this point she might as well just double down on her chequered reputation (chequeputation?) and just become a horror franchise. The scariest part is, despite everything, her performances as a certain forgetful fish is still so pure and wholesome, man. Auughhh, the dissonance... too much pressure!!!

     

    ...Oh yeah, video games.

     

    James is a young investigator with severe muscular atrophy of the arms--and whose walk cycle is the creepiest thing in the game--endeavouring to solve the mystery of the Smiths; not the inexplicable staying power of the pretentious sad sack musical stylings of the band of the same name, but a local family who were murdered under mysterious circumstances. Upon entering their ruined and cavernous manse, James is dragged into a phantasmagorical quagmire of survival horror cliches unfolding at the speed of a video of a sloth climbing a molasses-covered hill in January played at 0.5x speed. Or, if you will, a less aesthetically pleasing version of The Mooseman. If you know, you know... it's not a comparison any game should invite.

     

    So yeah, despite an interesting setup, some efficient scares, and some at times absorbing writing, Ellen is largely a clunky, half-baked, and largely unenjoyable derivative potpourri of a hundred better game experiences... one borne of ineptitude rather than malice, but still. Copious backtracking, dull stealth mechanics, unreliable checkpoint implementation, and an unforgiving stamina meter that ensures the sprinting longevity of a COPD sufferer, and that conveniently disappears during chase sequences anyway... it was a pain sitting through a blind play on my alt, and it's not a whole lot more fun following a guide, folks.

     

    Ah, it's the backside of a cock-eyed optimist who wants to be surprised by a game by doing the bare minimum of research, I guess. Hmm, not the most auspicious of Spooktobers thus far, is it? See, this is why I always keep some replayable spooky classics under my sleeve... but, I got one coming up I'm fairly certain will prove a treat rather than a trick...! Boo bye!

     

    Final Score: 4.5/10

    1. Joe Dubz

      Joe Dubz

      Sorry Ellen, Dory can't save you now from being such a biggity-bitch 😂🖕

       

      I must say tho, AK... You have quite the way with words my friend! I'll certainly be avoiding this one like a super spreader COVID event after reading this 😱😜 'Grats anyway my dude!

    2. MidnightDragon
    3. Kristen Danielle

      Kristen Danielle

      I know, right? I look at Ellen's inability to handle not being the star of the show and then I look at Dory and I'm just so confussssseeddd. lol

  3. CHILLING Gaming Vibes:

     

    Not only the theme to an epic boss battle that saw me get my ass handed to me more than once on my first go-round, but my entrance theme during my short spell as an amateur wrestler. My ring name was BHZ; my arcade high score acronym that I still use, even though it doesn't actually stand for anything. I also had a makeshift elbow pad made from a sock that I slapped folks around with.

     

    ...So now that I've admitted to having been the garbagiest of garbage wrestlers, why do I still feel I have the right to criticize people who can't get a reaction without flipping around like a cardboard standee being tossed about by a leaf blower, referencing memes that'll be outdated in a week, or jamming a light tube up their urethra? Maybe because I quit, like, a week or two before my voice broke, and decided to leave it to people with actual talent? That's more respect for the business than they have ever shown.

     

    Umm, so, anyways, my point is... horror manifests in many ways, I guess? Boo, and stuff.

    1. MrGarland

      MrGarland

      Ah, yes. Chrono Trigger. A timeless classic.

    2. rjkclarke

      rjkclarke

      @AK-1138 VS AJ Hazard (Adam Pacitti) 

       

      Come on..... That's a dream match we're all dying to see!

       

       

  4. Platinum #651:

     

    Lb8a2ad.png

     

    Difficulty: 2.5/10

    Playtime: 5-6 hours

     

    Yep, you guessed it... another one that isn't worthy of taking up space in the MRP thread. Or at the very least, I can't confabulate enough hoary bullshit on the subject to justify it. (I have since come to realize during the copyedit stage that I have actually posted things even less worthy than this... but hey, I'm a laaaaaazy bastard!)

     

    Edward Hyde Pierce is an alcoholic war veteran private investigator (during Prohobition, no less) tasked with investigating the mysterious death of Sarah Hawkins (unfortunately, not the attractive entrepreneurial boarding house owning mom from Treasure Planet!) and her family in a house fire on Darkwater Island... a quaint little place where very few cult-like things ever happen. Anyways, blah blah blah, Cthulhu fh'tagn, etc., etc., etc. Hey, I'm not saying it's inherently an uninteresting setup or anything, though I'll admit upfront I have no inordinate fondness for cosmic horror stories or Lovecraftian fiction... but the presentation is unerringly janky, or boring, or both. It comes off like one of those 2000s Sherlock Holmes games with a budget... it was awkward then, and it's almost inexcusable now. This, coupled with other issues I'm about to tackle, resulted in my swift and judicious decision to just blast my way through the thing on my main account. That's about the best decision I've made where this is concerned.

     

    Needless to say, if you don't care for the story in a first-person adventure game, the air does rather tend to go out of the rest of the proceedings as a matter of course. This is no exception. What doesn't help at all is a host of ill-advised variations on the usual gameplay stylings of the idiom. There are some clunky attempts at stealth, one particularly pitiful attempt at combining said stealth with a "boss fight," and some of the most laughable first-person shooting sequences I've ever seen in a game. It just comes off like they became desperate to make it more gamey very late into production. Add to that copious amounts of a particular pet peeve of mine--reconstructions of past events--and you have a game sufficiently poor so as to make for a great offering to Lord Sh'itsh-ôwh, Elder God of Blatantly Bad Ideas.

     

    Ostensibly based on a tabletop RPG, if nothing else, this took me back to the time I feigned interest in that medium just to get closer to a girl struck my fancy. Eventually, the incessant boredom of it all drove me to just cut straight to the chase... and wouldn't you know it? Turns out, her motives for playing were in the same vein! So we had a laugh, left them to their spreadsheets and unreasonably faceted dice, and headed for town. Who had the better Friday? Only the gods know... anyway, my point is, only the strongest minds can hope to avoid going mad from the revelation that, 90% discount or no, this was a bad investment of time and money. Too late for me, but hey, word to the wise and all that. Bye!

     

    Final Score: 4.5/10

  5. C̷̨̢̥̹̝̘͎̩̳͓͍̱̩̬͚̳͍͙̬̱̥̜̥̰̖̆̐̅̓ḩ̸̡̛̱̗̣̘͉̪̭̬͈͉̄̀͐̆̔̑͂͒̄̄̿͑͌͊͑̈́́͂̄̄̌̄̉̑I̴̢̙͖͇̗̭̼͇̣̠͎͕͎̤̺̾̔̇̈́͋͂̀̀͊̈́̋̈͘͝͠l̴̠̞̖̦͕̅̐͂͋̈͛̿̒̄͌̚L̷̛̙̯͇̍̔͋͊͌͗̑̏̊͘͝͝i̵̛͚̘̩̞͍̫͍͙̓͐͌̍̉͑̾͋͌̎͐̋͌̈͗̿͑͘͜͝͠Ņ̸̨̧̺̼̠͙̣̻̱̞͕͉̦͔̰̞͓̪͕̞̓͛̾̍͗́̂͊̎̔͗̽̋̎̆̈́̔̎̏̅̿͆̐̃͝ͅģ̶̛̠͍̲̞̼͙͈̘͗͐̀̏͋͜ ̵̢̢̛͍͔͖̘̲͍̮̰͓̻̖̘̻̣̟̋͌̅̃̓͒͌́̑̾̓͒̈́́̀̿̂̄͘͘̕͝G̸̨̨͎͓̭̳̻̦̣̹̯̖͕̼͚͇̼̞̝̣̱͖̀̓̄͐̏ͅa̴̛̦͖̱͊͐̒̈́̆̄͆͑̓̽̒̎̊̔͒̅͐͋̕͝͝M̶̼̱̖̪̭̒̈́͆͑̐͆̃̉̐̊̄̈̄͗̂̽͐̌̚̚̚͘͘͝i̵̢̛͓͙̝̜̖̼̺̣͉̙͈̪̼̋͗̈̾̀͆̒̈́͂͒̋̕̚n̵̛̪̲͙̼̦͔̭̙̥̭͓̐̈́͋́̇̏̀͛́̚͜͝͝G̶̢̢͍̞͚̯͖̖͙̬͉͚͈̮̯͎͕̤̙̱̐̿́ͅ ̸̡̧̨̲̯̺̹̩̱̣̘͕̞̼̫̳͂̍̅͆̓͒̕V̶͔͚̰̰̼͙̳̒̅̽į̵̛̼̙̣̥͕̠̳͍̰͔̼̟̖̣̿̆͐̍͗̂̽̈͋̈̀̿͆̏̓̽̾͌̚̚͜ͅB̴̢̧̖̹̪̩͉̦̦͔̞̤̹̼̯̰͚͈͚̩̘̟͖̤͖̎̓̇̽̋̽̃̋̔̐̚͝ȩ̸̛̝̙͔̬̼̠̥̫͈̜̜͕͍͕̻̠̘̪̬̤͂̽̊́͐̓͛͛̔͌́̃̅̅̐̐͐͛ͅȘ̸̢̧̣̺͎͙̺̟͔͚͚̺̻̜̻̗͒́̏̊̐͊̈́̈́̽̿͜͠ͅ

     

     

    ᵧₒᵤ ₛₕₒᵤₗ𝒹ₙ'ₜ ₕₐᵥₑ 𝒹ₒₙₑ ₜₕₐₜ.

  6. Platinum #650: Blair Witch (JP)

     

    L413bbb.png

     

    At this point, you're probably thinking "Why did you make a stack of a somewhat less than consistently enjoyable game a milestone?"

     

    ...I didn't.

     

    I wasn't at home during the timeframe denoted by the timestamps... heck, I never even bought the thing! I spent all of yesterday evening walking in the woods, and must have seemingly blacked out at some point, as I awoke at midday in a pile of leaves... when I turned my PS4 after coming home, it was just... there.

     

    Whether it was one of those creepy crawlspace stowaways or Elly Kedward herself manipulating my console code, I'm just grateful they didn't saddle me with something crap for my milestone, like the Limited Run stack of Ketchup Diaper Princess Baby 2!!! Mustard Edition: & Knuckles, or another of the 139 five minute visual novels that were released this week. Heck, they didn't even potentially jeopardize my profile by landing me with impossible timestamps... in fact, I even top the 50 fastest achievers list at present! Now, beating that time is easily achievable, but do you really want to risk incurring the wrath of whomever set that score? I don't think you do... would be nice if this seemingly benevolent presence could help me with those damnationary Dishonored trials trophies instead, but ehhhhh... better not push my luck.

     

    In all, I'm pretty happy about how all this went, to be honest. If I wake up in the woods again tomorrow, that might change, though. Can't really say much about this particular game experience as it never happened, but I doubt it would result in a massive difference from my summation of yesteryear, anyway! Thanks for reading, and don't forget...

     

    S̷̙͓̠̱̱̆Ḣ̴͚͚̹͎̦̻͔͎̏̈́̚Ḕ̶͎̙̦̪̇͊ ̷̨͉̘̏͐́͂͜I̸̤̺͗̅S̸͉͐ ̶͇̙̓̅̾̀́̕͠Ă̷̡̹̝͈̙̠̐̽̀͑̑͘L̵̯̼̱͌̕Ẁ̷͈͛̎͂͝͝Ä̶̧̤̘̥̿̉́̕̕͘Y̸̨̭̯̰̓̎͜S̴͈̘̺͑͆̎͌̇͐͝͠ ̷̡̰̮̠̹͇͓͒̊̎̂̽̈̊͜Ẅ̴̨̦̗̣̘͖̙̩́́̋̾̉̽̆͝A̷͙͂͝ͅŢ̶̛̭̰̝̭̠̈̀̋̉C̷̛̗̰͊̋̈́̎̾H̸̠̟̘͕͙̝̼̃̋͋̍̅I̴̡̳͖͍̬͍͈̓͠N̶̡̺̬̯̈́̅̑͂̓̍G̷̠͙̦̥̭̥̃́̋̃͊

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Joe Dubz

      Joe Dubz

      Image of - The Blair Witch is here? - No, Meatwad. The Broodwich.

      Congrats buddy! Also, you should beware of the Broodwich...

       

      Bread forged in darkness from wheat harvested from Hell's Half-Acre and baked by Beelzebub... 

      Mayonnaise made from the evil eggs of a powerful dark chicken beaten into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman... Cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow... 666 separate meats from an animal which has maggots for blood... Dijon mustard, lettuce, and of course... SUN DRIED TOMATOES!!

    3. MidnightDragon
    4. The Arizona Ranger
  7. CHILLING Gaming Vibes:

     

     

     

    Boo, pardner! It's me again, with some spooky groovy tuneage! Okay, so a not inconsiderable part of what makes Undead Nightmare one of the best DLC add-ons ever made (it is a once-in-a-generation bona fide match to the quality of its main game progenitor, after all) is the score, consisting primarily of episodic musical stings from 100-year old sounding accordions, decommissioned killing floor saw blades, and wind chimes made from the bones of... something. Stuff that'll have you regularly peeking out the window to check the skies for a certain demonic cattle herd, you know?

     

    But sometimes, when you engage a horde of screaming dead 'uns or suchlike, it breaks off into stuff like this, with bass and drums that, while catchy and awesome, just careen a bit too hard into the uncanny valley as to not be unsettling. It doesn't help that there's a larger tendency towards the incorporation of anachronistically modern electrical sounds than the main game, further heightening how a little zombie apocalypse can make the normal bloody and psychopathic West look positively normal and quaint.

     

    Now... get back in that hole, pardner!

  8. It's about (Crack in) time! Did it prove to be a cracking good time, or just a crack in the series' consistency? Is crack no worse than the fascist threat? Will Craig McCracken ever encounter the Kraken? What the hell am I doing? Anyway, read it... or don't, I guess.

  9. Platinum #647: Ratchet & Clank Future: A Crack in Time Difficulty: 3.5/10 Playtime: 20-22 hours Right, so full disclosure... from this point--though it may well contravene both the name and purpose of this very thread; sue me--I'm not going to stringently write about my most recent platinary achievement as such. Sometimes, time and other factors force my hand to move on to what's next before I get my writings done. These (hopefully sporadic) cases will henceforth be denoted as "MRPOWIDTC" (Most Recent Platinum on Which I Deign to Comment). Yeah, I know, sounds like the name of a Polish butcher suspected of being Jack the Ripper or something! Apropos to nothing, this very game happens to be qualify as one of them MRMXYZPTLK thingies! What are the odds, eh?!? ...So, full disclosure again (discloception?): I missed a spot check or two before starting this, so I was somehow unaware of its status as the third installment of a new trilogy... and what with its preceding titles predating the very birth of Sony's totally original and non-derivative trophy system, alongside budgetary and chronosynchratic considerations, I had to forego actual playing experience in this case... but not to worry, I caught the story sections courtesy of my old pal Gary YouTube and his superior Gary YouTubing so as not to be completely lost. So with this lengthy pre(r)amble out of the way, let's get crackin' with the knackin'... or time, or whatever. I have neither the time nor inclination to jot down all the finer points of this new continuity... so suffice to say, for reasons of convoluted previouslyonage, Ratchet is without Clank, thanks to a race of tiny aliens called the Zoni, who have more or less had to abduct Clank so as to enable him to fulfill his true purpose as Keeper of Time, destined to ensure that the fabric of time is maintained, or to try and prevent a Shawn Michaels match from going too long yet again... one of the two, anyway. Unfortunately, Clank sustained some damage during Ratchet's Quest for Booty, so in the depths of their ignorance, the Zoni have called upon the robotical expertise of *DUN DUN DUNNNNN* Dr. Nefarious Tropy! ...Tee hee, got your hopes up for an epic platforming furry boy crossover there, didn't I? No, it's just regular old boomerang bigot genocidal maniac Dr. Nefarious... not that time is any the less potentially fucked for it. Ever hear of a background check, guys? Predicated on no small amount of timey-wimey shenaniganry, it's easily the most epic and dramatic story in the series thus far by a sizeable distance, sometimes touching on hitherto untapped emotional pathos... but it does also perhaps too good a job of this, somehow failing along the way to make this new Pixar-like presentation congeal fully with the series' trademark wacky comedic tone, to its detriment more often than not. Before I espouse the virtues of the gameplay, I really must emphasize this game's most efficacious asset: achieving something so rare as a PS3 game genuinely impressive from a technical viewpoint, especially given its relative age. The graphics are crisp as a spring daisy in spring, with chunky vertice work, gorgeous colourization, and shader effects out the butt (pictures of those stealth camouflage boxes is all Snake's got in his porn folder), and all at a downright gobsmacking 60 FPS! even if the ol' RYNO will inevitably treat your framerate with as much TLC as your enemies, it's still a largely stable experience. It's oddly satisfying having your onslaught of ordnance slow down the game, anyway. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that the notoriously finicky PS3 hard(to optimize)ware could even hope to render something as aesthetically sumptuous as this... but seeing is believing, as they say. Not to be outdone by pithy indulgences of pure aesthetic, the game also boasts some of the tightest gameplay of the series, with a damn solid guns-to-platforming ratio. The central gameplay peculiarity are the Hoverboots, essentially Charge Boots on steroids that make traversal a high-speed thrill, and also allowing for some nifty bits of specialized platforming by way of ramps and bumper pads and all that kinda Pinball Wizardy nonsense. Generally, the fun factor is consistently high--especially just coming off the workmanlike malaise of Deadlocked like I did--but a few ill-advised gameplay ideas do tend to drag it down at times. The time puzzles just aren't my thing, and bog down the pacing like nobody's business... boy, they never can crack the code on Clank gameplay, huh? Even doing them with a guide proved an anhedonic chore. Thankfully, they are fully skippable in Challenge Mode, displaying a kind of self-awareness not always extant in earlier titles. The open world space battles never quite reach the sweet spot of difficulty; they either prove lengthy and repetitive, or just complete curb stomps once you've collected enough My Little Zonis to upgrade your ship proper. And that goddamn arcade game can fuck off and die in a hole. See that extra half a point of difficulty rating up there? 93.7% owed to this RNG abomination alone. Flappy Goat flashbacks are never fun to anyone. Ultimately, A Crack in Time is a gloriously confident piece of craftsmanship that not only lands the game in the series' top echelon, but proves to be something so rare as a PS3 exclusive not to be missed. It deserves a more lustrous fate than to be stuck on a VESSEL bound for OBSOLESCENCE, yeeeeeeeesss!!! Hint hint, Insomniac...! Final Score: 8/10
  10. CHILLING Gaming Vibes:

     

     

    Booooooo!!! ...No, not giving you some good ol' fashioned wrestling heat here... I was scaring you, see? Aren't you scared?!? Your mouth says no, but your underwear says yes.

     

    Anyways, it's not as if I need a reason to scare people or anything... but if you hadn't noticed, it is indeed Spooktober--the spookiest of all 'tobers--at least in certain time zones of the world, including mine. Ghosts don't care about time zones. Yeah, so as part of my annual indulgences into horror media (not as if I don't keep the 'ween spirit all the year anyway--if any man alive possesses the knowledge--but hey ho) during this second most wonderful time of the year, some of which include games, I'm going to jumpscare you with scary musical gamey stuff out of nowhere from time to time, because you just can't plan the best Halloween memories, y'know? 

     

    So... Clock Tower. I had no idea what I was in for when I first played it in a wholly legal context. Scarred me for life, it did. The unsettlingly low detail pixel art, bitcrushed sound effects, intermittent use of music, and just the terminal slooooooooowness of the proceedings (except when they aren't 😬) still gets to me like nobody's business.

     

    And that's without getting into its many innovations and bits of novel design that have influenced subsequent horror games to this very day. Not even a certain classic parody video by Ser Jon of House Tron can dispel the haunting hold this game has on my soul. I've only ever gotten two or three different endings through sheer blind luck, and I aim to keep it that way. For once, I'd rather keep the air of mystery than see what my brain perceives as random, unpredictable events detailed on a boring walkthrough spreadsheet.

     

    Stay tuned for more horrorific tunes and anecdotes... muahahahahahah!!!

    1. Baranov_925

      Baranov_925

      I recently watched movie about clocktower in Texas but it was scary in other way. Besides that, this SNES game, reminds me of Fatal Frame, which I played on PS2 many years ago.

  11. Platinum #646:

     

    Lc69df2.png

     

    Difficulty: 3/10

    Playtime: 20-22 hours

     

    Right, so I'm foregoing the usual lengthy MRP thread post here, because, honestly... there just isn't much to say that would justify it. It's not even the "fun" kind of underwhelming game experience conducive to my personal brand of overblown hyperbole, so I'm just doing this as... umm, a tax write-off or something?

     

    Quickly summarized... Ratchet (without the active support of Clank) is cajoled into a deadly intergalactic game show, for which refusal of participation is punishable by death by Suicide Squad, if you get my drift. In theory, not the worst setup. In execution... well, imagine if R&C3 cut down on platforming elements even more than it already did, and replaced the surprisingly engaging story and character work with one-note game show humor.

     

    While it plays better than the original R&C--indeed, it has the best gunplay in the series thus far, and a superlative weapons arsenal--the complete lack of anything to offset the fighting, even with the odd clever objective twist or two, just turns it into a listless chore. Even hunting the needless amount of skill points feels rote and unsatisfying.

     

    There's an early-game combat challenge called "Grist for the Mill" that not only perfectly describes my final game experience from a trophy hunter's perspective, but its evident function as a game. There's a certain amount of fun to be had, I guess, but one that never wavers from its lane. Nightmare Mode doesn't add any challenge that actually improves the game... it just makes everything take even longer, and unduly punishes even the slightest mistake. I'll get back to it at later point to max out the weapons but after that I doubt I'll ever give it another minute of my time, to be honest. I'm off to play something better now, bye!

     

    Final Score:

     

    Grist/10

  12. Rainy Gamey Vibes:

     

     

     

    Ah yes, even inasmuch as it falls apart a bit at the end (Thief 2X--the greatest fan project ever made--is more akin to the kind of sequel I wanted in the first place) and features some of the most unintentionally horrifying ragdoll physics of all time, Thief: Deadly Shadows was the subject of some of the most well spent truancy of my storied career... and a hell of a way to debut my dad's new PC sound system, at that.

     

    The Overlook Manse represents one of the rare moments in which the game captures its full potential (I'll elaborate on another in the month to come...) and really makes the most of its technical advances. I'll never forget scrambling frantically around trying to find deviously hidden loot amidst ceaseless rain and occasional flashes of lightning, the sad mutterings of a widow gone mad with grief, and these sporadic piano voicings... fucking video games, huh?

  13. Weekend Gaming Vibes:

     

     

    If all of that pesky edumacation was taught in a format as inexplicably chill yet simultaneously engaging as Mario is Missing, we'd all be walking around like Einstein (the man, not the parrot) on steroids, enjoying world peace and cold fusion-propelled jet vehicles by now.

  14. Rainy Gamey Vibes:

     

     

     

    Reason #738 as to why Koji Kondo is one of the exemplars of VGM: this is basically the same compositon as the intro cinematic that just preceded it, but stripped of any of its particular overtures of coexistant despair and hope (reason #462). Stark as fuuuuuuuuck, in more pedestrian terms.

     

    It really evokes the feeling of having movements in your brain send you out into the rain on a dimension-hopping quest armed only with a mostly-empty lantern, a fabulous mane of pink hair, and the inexplicable ability to uproot bushes with your bare hands in less than a second.

     

    Pure effin' inspiration, like.

    1. SnowxSakura

      SnowxSakura

      Dark World theme in that game is really great too. 

  15. Weekend Gaming Vibes:

     

     

     

    After a few weeks of one of those Indiana Jones Summers, things finally feel proper and autumnal-like... so how about some of that Paris in the fall atmosphere, hmmm? Golden leaves, sewer keys, and territorial goats... cor, what a sight!

     

    ...What do mean, "Where did the 'chill' part go?" There was never such a descriptor to be found here... go blame your embarrassing misrememberances on sleep paralysis demon Nelson Mandela like a normal person, okay?

    1. Megatritionsts

      Megatritionsts

      Love the relaxing music!