AK-1138

[Facebook Prison Blues] Boy, I tell you what, ain't nobody knows the trouble I've seen... as the inevitable end result of leaving executive decisions that require social intelligence and abstract thought to zeroes and ones, I have been sent to Facebook Prison for some four and twenty hours for having an admittedly obscure reference misconstrued as "bullying." It's like living in a particularly dumb episode of Black Mirror. Since I am one of the, what, four people left in the world who still uses FB, am I the victim of splash damage from some meticulous and deliberate plan to finally kill it off? What a glorious future of technocratic wonderment we are headed in for...

Anyway, it's not all that bad, really. I got lucky with my cell mate, as he's just your average mildly caustic yet still ultimately kindhearted frameup victim, the kind of person I thought only existed in movies, gratuitously mendacious status updates, or other such prison-based ephemera. Quickly established dominance and a general aura of dontfuckwithability by throwing a basket of cooking oil at a guy who made disparaging comments directed at my mask. Boy, he ain't pretty no more... but then, he never was. The eye that can behold this kind of beauty does not exist, and if it does, you'd best stay far away from the one in whose socket it is socketed. 

Whelp, it's just about time for lights out, which is just as well, as tomorrow is the weekly lacrosse game in the yard. The main prize is a mountainous pile of cigarettes that I've been fairly well informed equals maybe a tenth of what Tom Waits consumes in a day... it's no less valuable a commodity than in any other prison, so I aim to win and buy me, like, a Snuggie or something. Third prize is a Joan Rivers equivalent, so that ain't nothing to sneeze at. Anyways, all y'all out there enjoy your freedom, socalled, while I luxuriate in a better standard of living than deregulated capitalobbyist monopolies are liable to reward you with, all on the government's dime. Keep on paying them taxes, folks... toodles!