RealM722's Trophy Cabinet

[DrBloodmoney 18,043]

10 hours ago, realm722 said:

I hope those rhetorical questions served you as well as they served me. Criticizing a game's length is about as common of a criticism as you'll find from journalists who review games nowadays. I've seen the recent Assassin Creeds Games get lambasted for just how bloated they are with copy & paste content.

 

I really think, for me, it's not about "length" in a vacuum - it's length incongruous with narrative or style that makes a game feel bloated.

 

 

the ones that jump to mind,  @Copanele said, and I agree:

 

9 hours ago, Copanele said:

My brain did a jumble and created a mix between AC Origins and Valhalla. NOT Odyssey, as shocking as it may sound.

 

To explain, I haven't played Valhalla, but I have played Origins and Odyssey, and they're interesting in this regard. Odyssey is technically even bigger and longer, however, I really felt the length of Origins, whereas I could have taken another 50 hours of Odyssey 🤔

 

I think that fundamentally that illustrates a difference in design... Odyssey was huge and long, but the narrative and the world of the game felt large and sweeping - it felt able to support that length. The world was more varied and beautiful, but more than that, the narrative was structured in a way that it kind of allowed for a grand world filled with side content as a part of the character's story.

 

Kassandra (the main character in Odyssey,) is on a quest of discovery - that makes every side quest feel "correct" for her, as she is filling in the tapestry of the world. Byek, on the other hand (the character from Origins,) is on a quest of vengeance - and so his story felt more small and focussed and immediate.

When he would spend 10 hours doing side content, it felt antithetical to the character's motivations, whereas it felt congruous with Kassandra's. 

 

Quote

The very next game that pops into my brain is Uncharted 1. 

 

Interestingly, I also though about Uncharted too!

 

Uncharted 1-3 are all in the 5-8 hour range, and I think those games work at that length. Uncharted 4 is an objectively better game mechanically (and visually,), however, it is in the 15-20 hour range, and I think that game is simply too long for the "movie blockbuster" narrative style it plays in. The whole game is top quality (there's no individual section I think is weak, or that I would obviously cut,) but I do think the narrative just has trouble supporting it, so it begins to lessen the impact of some of its own great stuff because of that. 

 

Even at 20 hours, that still makes Uncharted 4 far shorter that many other games that don't feel too long, but again, it's because the game genre and style isn't suited to the length. (It's also why I think Lost Legacy is a better game than U4 - they are both high quality mechanically, but Lost Legacy is of an appropriate length, U4 is too long for those mechanics to support it.)

 

Resident Evil 6 is similar. It's not actually that long a game by general gaming standards, however, it increased so dramatically as compared to it's previous franchise entries, without changing the mechanics or narrative style, and so it feels insanely long... I may have poured 200 hours into Tetris Effect, or 400 into Cities Skylines, or God knows how many hundreds into the Hitman trilogy... but the 40 I put into RE6 felt infinitely longer!

 

 

Interestingly though, I don't think that's an inevitability with franchises. God of War (2016) , for example, is far longer than any previous God of War, yet it is also much better than them, and doesn't feel like it. That's because they changed the narrative style and the mechanics to suit the new length. A 20 hour version of God of War 3 - with that character and those mechanics - would feel insanely over-long. God of War(2016) doesn't though.

 

 

 

 

That's all really by-the-by though, as they are (mostly) good games. Good games tend not to feel too dragging, even when they are over-long.

 

The most recent one I played where it wasn't good at all and  over-long, and felt interminable... was It Takes Two.

That game is "only" around the 20 hour mark, but holy hell, the combination of how bad the writing is, and the sparse mechanics - plus the requirement to rope a friend / loved-one in to it with you, and so having to only play when you both have time - made that one feel like water-torture!

 

Compare that to something like Personal 5, which lasts for like 100 hours, but not once did I ever feel like anything in that game was unnecessary or bloated. There's a million side activities, but the ticking clock of the calendar means it always feels like the narrative is driving the player forward, and no matter how much side stuff there is, it always feels in service of the story.

 

Quote

Wait, you're seriously going to pay $30 for a game that isn't even 10 hours? Are you crazy? You could buy insert AAA franchise and quadruple your playtime! As someone who rarely ever purchases a game brand new, I get it. There's this bizarre blockade in my brain that thinks "time spent in-game = worth in money". How can I justify spending money on such a short experience when there are games 5x scope going for half that? This is a phenomenon very unique to gaming. The difference between a 1 hour & 30-minute film and a 2 hour & 15 minutes one is ultimately negligible in the grand scheme of things. But games? You can beat a puzzle game like Gorogoa in 2 hours and spend $15 on it OR buy The Witcher 3 for $10 on sale and keep yourself busy for 100+ hours. Your call, champ.  

 

Well, in the case of your example, I got far less time out of The Witcher 3 than I did out of Gorogoa.... Gorogoa was a great few hours, whereas The Witcher 3 only took 45 minutes to hard-lock my console, corrupt my save, and get deleted and chucked in the bin... but I get your point 😂

 

I can never really get down with folks who make the argument you are describing, because it's generally so saturated with hypocrisy that it's dripping! 😂

 

I've lost count of how many times I've heard the Time vs. Cost argument, and it almost always seems to come from folks who pare perfectly happy to play a big budget open world (Horizon / Assassin's Creed etc.) and dismiss short indie games... but would avoid rogue-likes that can take twice as long as a AAA game, or action puzzlers like Tetris or Lumines which are essentially infinite playtimes. Those games that have replayability baked in, and can offer literally hundreds of hours of gaming for a fraction of the cost of a AAA game.

 

"But that's just repeating content"... is the argument. "It's not new stuff that whole time".....

...well, sure, but that's true of most games.

Open World games often repeat busywork or mission types, shorts games and racing games are essentially made up of repeating the same game over and over... how many COD maps are there? You are repeated those games over and over too - but the games are not changing. At least in a rogue like the "map" is the same, but the build can be totally different.

 

Quote

A task that proved far more difficult is thinking of games I thought were way too short. I don't think I've ever played a game and felt there wasn't "enough" content. I've had the sentiment of wanting to play a game for more time, but that's mostly because the trophies did not ask any more of me so I had to check out of Risk of Rain 2 & Slime Rancher once the platinumed pop. In terms of overall short games? Sayonara Wild Hearts, The Forgotten City, Oxenfree, Islanders, & Journey are all extremely short games but I don't think they would have been enhanced if they had doubled in length. Sayonara maximized the rhythm style it was going for and is perfect in the sense it can be completed in a single play session of an hour. The Forgotten City is a wonderful mystery game and perfect for a game that can be played once before you uncover all there is to know about. Oxenfree & Journey can be replayed and enjoyed but the peaks and valleys you enjoy on your initial playthrough will be the ones that ultimately remain years later. All these games had a very specific intention when they were designed and they executed them beautifully. Trying to pad out an extra 4-5 hours would have brought the overall quality of the game down and asked the world of games with remarkably small dev teams. 

 

Agree on all those examples.

 

I also struggled to think of short games that felt "too short".

 

One was Hoa - that felt too short for a specific reason though: The game feels like it is so absurdly easy in the first 3 levels, and feels like it is just getting into some actual game in the fifth level... which is the last one. It felt very anti-climactic, as it felt like playing a long tutorial, then finally getting ready to play a proper game... and it never transpires.

 

That feels rare to me though. Generally, I go back to "make your game the length it wants to be, not the length you think the player wants it to be"

 

If the narrative and mechanics would work best at 10 hours, then make it 10 hours - because you can bet dollars to doughnuts that if you make it 20 hours, that will end up being 10 good hours, with 10 filler hours diluting it. 

 

Narrative and mechanics are like whisky - you only have so much in the glass.

There might be more or less of it to start...

...but whether you drink it neat from a shot glass, or put it in a pint glass and fill it up with water... you are still getting the same amount of drunk.

 

The more water you add, the longer it will last... but too much, and you'll barely even taste it 😂

 

Edited May 2 by DrBloodmoney

[realm722 1,329]

On 5/1/2022 at 6:06 PM, Copanele said:

Finding a game that is too short is truly a more difficult task  Ignoring fighting games, I think in this regard I can pinpoint only one game that made me legit want "more" in the true sense of the expression was Transistor. There was something about that game, the music, the atmosphere, the way the combat and "programs" worked that made me go "please, this can't be all!". And yes, the game HAS the right length and a coherent plot and no cut corners, BUT it was so good to me that I wanted to play more.

 

It's so funny that you mentioned Transistor, I was super close to putting it in the list of short games I included! I went back to look at my play history and at 16 hours for the platinum, I could have easily played it for double that! But it also feels so weird asking for so much more from an indie developer 😂

 

On 5/1/2022 at 6:06 PM, Copanele said:

I would gladly spend the $20 for that unique indie, simply because I am sure that if the game is good, I won't resume just to the 4-hour in-game experience. If the game is that amazing then I will gladly spend more time listening to the OST, see reviews, forums, people talking about it, what was good, what was bad, speculations about the ending etc. If the game makes me think about it even after I finish it then yep I'd say the money was very well spent. And honestly that's what's valuable for me the most.

 

EXCELLENT point. I've always thought about this subconsciously but to see you express it in plain words is perfect. I will absolutely find some games that I enjoyed while playing but moved on from to have less staying power than ones that I also equally enjoyed playing but spent far more going back and searching for critiques on YouTube or trying to find fan content / let's plays / first reactions / speedruns / etc... Hollow Knight really stands out in this regard for me. I don't LOVE the game like the diehards fan do but watching a bunch of lore videos and seeing someone complete the absurd boss rush perfectly? Always here for it!

 

On 5/1/2022 at 11:54 PM, Briste said:

I usually feel like games go on too long more than games are too short. I still like most of the games I play, but Marvel's Spider-Man was a game that felt like there was too much fetch quest-y crap to do that made it feel like it dragged a bit. Game was amazing, but was like 10 hours longer than it needed to be just from the repeated crimes and bad guy zones to clear.

 

Spider-Man is such a funny one to hear you mention. That is a game I oddly look back on not so favorably. It scored in the high 7's and yet I felt like I was more down on the game back then compared to the consensus. I think it was in part due to finishing Arkham: Knight just a few months before. But it also seems really unfair to compare a developer's 1st attempt at a superhero game vs. a studio's 3rd iteration of a character they had grown over two prior games. I still REALLY wanna play Miles Morales when I can get it for $15 and will be happy to play the next mainline Spider-Man game whenever it comes out by like late 2023. 

 

I'm with you though. I will avoid pretty much any and all games that are somewhat decent but if they have an asinine "you'll have beaten the game 20 hours ago but you need to do this one task for 1 trophy", I'm out chief. 

 

On 5/2/2022 at 3:23 AM, DrBloodmoney said:

Compare that to something like Persona 5, which lasts for like 100 hours, but not once did I ever feel like anything in that game was unnecessary or bloated. There's a million side activities, but the ticking clock of the calendar means it always feels like the narrative is driving the player forward, and no matter how much side stuff there is, it always feels in service of the story.

 

Great call on Persona! I somehow forgot how long it was I didn't even include it amongst the longest games section lmao. The funny thing is, being hyper critical there are absolutely some sections that I look back on and say: "eh that could be cut" such as the annoying tedious mice puzzles in one of the dungeons or the somewhat contrivance between Ryuji/Morgana but on the whole, why would I still wanna cut that? At the end of the day the game is all about hanging out with your buddies. Cutting content directly CUTS DOWN the amount of time I am hanging out with my buddies!

 

On 5/2/2022 at 3:23 AM, DrBloodmoney said:

ismiss short indie games... but would avoid rogue-likes that can take twice as long as a AAA game, or action puzzlers like Tetris or Lumines which are essentially infinite playtimes. Those games that have replayability baked in, and can offer literally hundreds of hours of gaming for a fraction of the cost of a AAA game.

 

"But that's just repeating content"... is the argument. "It's not new stuff that whole time".....

...well, sure, but that's true of most games.

Open World games often repeat busywork or mission types, shorts games and racing games are essentially made up of repeating the same game over and over... how many COD maps are there? You are repeated those games over and over too - but the games are not changing. At least in a rogue like the "map" is the same, but the build can be totally different.

 

Beautifully put! As a fierce defender of the roguelite genre, I will be stealing your arguments and make them my own! It's so true though. I get that open world games have some sense of discovery that roguelite can't quite create but I'm a sucker for a repetitive challenging loop. So much so my next platinum review may be of my favorite game ever TBH

 

Thank y'all for the in-depth and sincere responses! Didn't expect to get so much solid feed back

[AJ_Radio 18,555]

Every time I look at threads like this, I can do nothing but applaud the author who put in all that hard work. I get so damn lazy in updating my own thread... but real life tends to call to me and sometimes I just want to play games.

[realm722 1,329]

Game: Hades

 

Analysis: I bought Hades (physical edition) for $19.99 via Amazon way back in early November 2021. I specifically left it until now for my 175th platinum milestone. Here we go!

 

Why Hades? - If you know anything about me at all, you should know two things. 1) I love Supergiant Games. 2) I love roguelites. I am of the belief that Supergiant Games are the incredibly rare indie studio that has only improved upon each release. I gave Bastion (7.5 rating), Transistor (8.75 rating), and Pyre (9.0 rating) ascending scores given their latest release. Though I played them out of order, I have been able to plainly see how much they've honed their distinct style of gorgeous visuals, compelling narratives, serviceable to great gameplay, and of course unforgettable soundtracks. So imagine my glee when I learned of their latest creation, Hades, was a ROGUELITE? It ranked as the #1 game I'd be willing to commit a minor crime in order to get it ported over to Playstation consoles. I'm sorry if your car was keyed but I did what needed to be done and in August of 2021 that dream came true! 

 

My Dream Game - You play as Zagreus. You are fed up with your father, Hades, the Lord of the Under World, and seek to escape this literal and metaphorical hell by battling your way out to freedom in order to reach the surface. Your father is not exactly willing in seeing you go free and ensures his underlings will do everything in their power to ensure you are kept where you belong. That's the template the game gives you to justify the roguelite cycle and I think it works quite excellently. As you are escaping from your home, you will quickly learn you are not the only resident in your father's care. An entire legion of shades(dead people) and undead(uhh... I guess the prominent people who care for the house?) are also in your company. It doesn't take long for you to get acclimated to them. Nyx is your goth mommy who tries to secretly aid and gives you extra powers upon each of your deaths. Achilles is a trained fighter and taught Zagreus what he needed to learn in order to be capable of fighting out of here. It's pleasant enough initially making their acquaintance, but what you'll soon uncover is along with them, all of the major Olympians (your father's family) will ALSO try to aid you in your quest by offering their various powers. I hope you're starting to see just how huge the cast for this game really is. What was the thing that made me realize I'd LOVE this game? The game has Persona 5 social links, basically. By gifting "nectar" (an item gained randomly during dungeon runs) you can draw closer to different cthonic family members OR Olympians. Yup. This game did what I have begged oh so many to do. They made me feel like I was Zagreus and could pick and choose who I got close to and who I didn't. I mean, I'm going to get close to everyone because of course I will, but when I realized just how many "hearts" you could earn with each member and how this would slowly but surely unlock more conversations with them and even on some occasions cutscenes for specific side plot story bits? My love for this game grew three sizes. 

 

An Excellent Gateway Roguelite - Given how much love I saw for Hades when it released, I think it's fair to say that if you've never played a roguelite, Hades is probably just about the perfect one to start with. It won the Game of the Year for 2020 from BAFTA, D.I.C.E., GDC, Eurogamer, IGN, & Polygon. I'm not exactly unearthing some hidden gem to you all. I'm late to the party(on purpose!). That being said, this game is quite frankly my favorite game of All-Time. Didn't think I'd spill my the tea in the 3rd paragraph but I just have to be honest. The game is difficult early on, but offers an incredible amount of help and unlockables that if you're a halfway decent video gamer with mild reaction ability, you'll be able to beat it. I love the way the narrative is handled. If you focus on just trying to go as far as you can each run and don't cut things short "just to get to the story", you'll have a lovely time. Each time you die, each character in the house will have an exclamation mark over their head and different goals or suggestions to give you. The narrative is so ever precisely sprinkled as you play that it is perfect for a gamer such as myself who suffers from gorilla brain. One of my criticisms in Horizon Forbidden West is losing focus during story portions due to the fact they would drag on for 10+ minutes of dialogue trees of tech jargon I didn't care about. That doesn't happen in Hades. You're talking about 3-4 bits of dialogue exchanged before moving on. While it may not seem like much, the delightful voice acting and careful distribution of these plot nuggets got me MORE invested than if they had been truck dumped on me 30+ minutes after hours of gameplay which some AAA games can have the habit of doing. My love for this game abounds and I encourage you to try it out. OR don't. I'm about to make a mess of my keyboard and type out for the next few thousand words all the different things I love about it. SPOILERS BELOW. I'M SORRY, I CAN'T HELP MYSELF. Perhaps by osmosis, you'll gain a bit more appreciation for the game than you already do. Away we go!

Do you see how gorgeous the character portraits are? Look at adorable little Dusa in the top left corner. Supergiant Games Art Director, Jen Zee is a master at her craft, their games are always visually stunning

 

My Codex of the Underworld upon Platinum!

 

The Story of Hades - We're now venturing into spoiler territory. You've been warned. After initially making your way out with Zagreus, you will discover your mother, Persephone, on the surface. You'll be able to speak briefly with her but your time will be brief given Zagreus can't actually survive in the overworld for very long. He belongs to the realm of the Underworld and try as hard as he might unless he plans on making a deal with the devil(heh), he's stuck here for the long-term. That doesn't mean he won't stop trying to leave. You must defeat escape hell 10 times in order to complete the main story and discover your full backstory. Nyx isn't your mother. Persephone is. It was a cover-up by your father. You weren't even supposed to live in the first place. Things could get remarkably hairy as one of the Olympians, Demeter, is actually Persephone's mother and she was whisked away by Zeus and given to your father in a secret ordeal. Due to your persistence, upon your 10th arrival to the final battle after having defeated your father 9 times prior in the final battle, he won't try to stop you anymore. He lets you see your mother without a fight. I LOVED that twist. I was really not expecting it and it's a wonderful surprise when narrative can have an impact on gameplay, especially in a roguelite where it's so damn rare. You go to her and due to your insistence, she agrees to leave Greece behind and accompany you back to her old home with the aid of Charon. I really did not expect that. I appreciated the neat twist of forcing the main story to be delivered in bite-sized chunks and only progress upon each victory given the roguelite nature. I didn't know how things would end given the game sort of needs a reason for you to continue to escape. That's when we get to the.....

 

The Post-Game Story of Hades - In a remarkably generous fashion, the plot of Hades does not end after your 10th victory. Rather, things change with regard to your relationship with your father. Due to his desire to please your mother, you'll find he'll still allow your attempts to escape, but this time in service as a sort of white hat hacker. Rather than being constantly at war with him and engaging in cutting remarks between each run and during the final battle, he'll actually show some character growth! He'll treat you with far more respect. His tone will soften. He no longer treats your constant presence as a nuisance. It was delightful. You can tell the influence your mother has on his behavior and even though he's the god of the freaking dead he makes an effort to please her. Your escape efforts now serve to test the security of hell and show him where the deficiencies lie in his underlings. Upon your victory over him, you merely perish off-screen and the game recycles and while I kind of would have preferred something better, nothing immediately comes to mind with what Supergiant could have done to make that feel more rewarding or impactful. Well actually... something does come to mind but that's for MUCH later in the review. Nonetheless, there's still an obvious issue at hand. The Olympians STILL think you're battling out of hell to go visit them. They know nothing about your mother or her whereabouts. That needs to be resolved sooner rather than later. So she gives you the task of befriending all of them to eventually initiate a banquet that would allow all the matters to be properly explained. I really wished they actually showed that cutscene and allowed you to consort with the various gods who had helped you through your 70+ hours of play-time, but I understand the limitations from a relatively small studio all things considered. It was a lovely conclusion to the post-game plot and the scene of Hades and Zeus embracing with a handshake knowing all their history was fitting. Overall, GOOD narrative that kept me in the loop and intrigued in between all the chunky gameplay segments. But enough of the story. We want to get to the characters and BOY are there a lot of them. Sounds like it's time for a ranking list - here we go!

 

Chthonic Gods:

#1. Hades - Who else was it going to be, honestly? This ranking list isn't just about the most enjoyable characters but the most memorable. The game is named after him and he simultaneously serves as the final boss that stands between you and a successful run while also engaging in dialogue with you constantly between each of your failures. While he can be an insensitive jerk, absent father, and completely numb to the pleas of his son, damn if he isn't human. I think his love of Persephone though done in his strange way is adorable. He owns A LOT of capes. I dunno why he doesn't just throw them off in the lake rather than burn them up at the start of each final encounter. His quips disparaging you for messing about the house with your different requests such as swapping out the rugs constantly are also hilarious. I love this big grump and I'm sure I'm not the only one who felt the way by the end of their time with this game. 

 

#2. Megaera - Do you want to talk about a shocking upset. I would have never guessed after my first 10-12 hours or so that Meg would finish in the Top 2 of these rankings. Meg serves as the 1st major boss in the game at the end of the Tartarus region. She is ruthless with her whip and her tone is remarkably... grim. Like, I can't imagine her ever cheering with excitement. She's very stoic and has a remarkable amount of disdain for Zagreus that comes across as very personal even from very early on. Eventually, you'll discover why. She was your frigging girlfriend man. Now you're out here on the battlefield slaying her over and over again. She obviously doesn't take too kindly to this. Eventually, by shoving enough nectar down her throat you'll eventually thaw through her cold demeanor and eventually regain amicable relations with her. and I'm not kidding when I'm talking relations! But seriously, she grew on me greatly the more I played. My only wish is that there was some way for her to become a more important boss later and actually have a chance at yanno... beating Zagreus with some consistency again. Unless you ramp up the difficulty a ton on the Pact of Punishment, she becomes a minor inconvenience at best for most runs. Imagine her all supped up and randomly serving as a final boss encounter rather than your dad? That would have been incredible. 

 

#3. Nyx - Nyx is quite literally Night Incarnate and she essentially fulfilled the role of your mother after Persephone decided to go to the surface. She also speaks in a very serious and almost apathetic tone but clearly cares deeply for all those who belong to the house. She's one of your biggest supporters and through your mirror allows you to increase your abilities and powers which permit you to escape in the first place. Hades catches on to her schemes but doesn't take severe action to stop her. You can also help her reestablish a relationship with her parental figure in Chaos once you establish a bond with her. Nothing quite like reuniting some cosmic forces to make yourself feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

 

#4. Zagreus - Zagreus is just a good dude, man. He's obviously got quite a bit of spunk that can be interpreted as arrogance depending on who's asking but I think it's undeniable that one of the elements of the narrative is Zagreus recognizes he could complete any of his accomplishments on his own without the aid of others. He cares deeply about all his friends and treats those who aid the house in various roles with deep respect rather than with scorn or terseness which is quite uncommon given the behavior of Hades & Nyx. 

 

#5. Chaos - Hilariously enough, Chaos was the very first character I drew close enough to reach the "locked heart" phase of the relationship. I just really liked conversing with them. They'd speak in such a tone as though they simply knew more than any of the Olympians or those in your own household. But they did so without coming across as pretentious. I also really loved the boons they'd offer as while they would offer some brief handicaps for a handful of encounters, the rewards for succeeding through their challenges would typically be well worth the risk. They're also very appreciative of you opening the channels of communication between them and their daughter, Nyx, upon you depositing an absurd amount of darkness to the house contractor. 

 

#6. Hypnos - Such a lovely chap. He's a complete klutz and pretty bad at his job because of how many people he leaves waiting around in line but I can't help but love his cheery tone upon seeing you after each death. He'll describe in explicit detail how you were decapitated, maimed, crushed, and severed depending on the foe who dealt the blow and will do it with a smile! Though slacking in his job, he's very dedicated to his list-making and by repurposing that energy in the right fashion it's easy to see how he turns things around and is at least passable in his role by the end of your arc with him. 

 

#7. Charon - Charon actually doesn't say a single intelligible word throughout your entire playthrough with him. It's all groans and moans. Yet he serves as the ferryman to the overworld (hey, I learned that from The Forgotten City!) as well as serving as a super-secret surprise boss fight if you decide to enter one of his shops mid-region before his final shop pre-boss battle. OH MY GOD HE IS A DIFFICULT FIGHT. I lost my first 3 times to him and his swinging attack x2 has some ridiculous range. Thankfully he's all chill about it afterward. 

 

#8. Thanatos - I didn't really click with Thanatos for whatever reason. I'm appreciative of his random help during fights when we'll engage in a showdown to see who can kill more enemies within the allotted time frame(which if you do correctly, gets you a bonus +25 HP), but, I honestly felt his lines were very flat. Obviously, that's a theme amongst the underworld folk but I'm literally talking about his voice actor. Perhaps I just didn't get where they were going with the tone. He has an icy relationship with Zagreus as well which means he doesn't ever converse much with the player even when you rarely find him in the house. Sicks abs though bro!

 

#9. Alecto - She's one of Megaera's sisters. She's better than Tisiphone since she actually talks but all she wants to do is kill you and make you suffer. It's fine and all but I think a blushy crushy character here that honestly kinda liked Zag would have made for some more engaging lines. The bantz with Meg would have been great. Her boss fight is honestly probably the hardest of the three since some of the random spinning saw wheels she can unleash did some unreal trap damage to me. 

 

#10. Tisiphone - I get that the "murder" quip was cute but I was kinda hoping for a twist where she'd be genuinely insightful and articulate and just kept it hidden away due to keeping on her "game face" during work hours. That never happened for me. Her boss fight is cool and is broken up into three different phases where the arena gets smaller and smaller but she's honestly probably the easiest of the three at the end of the day. 

 

Olympian Gods:

#1. Artemis - Artemis is the shyest Olympian of the bunch. Whereas many of them are bombastic and frequently remind you of their prowess and greatness, Artemis is fairly reserved and just appreciates the personal relationship she's able to cultivate with Zagreus through their many interactions. She has some adorable owls in her character portrait and generally lives out in the wilderness with her many nymphs minding her own business. Her boons are particularly effective if you work with a bow and she'll frequently comment on the various aspects you'll use. Given the bow was my favorite early game weapon, it's easy to see how she quickly became my favorite. 

#2. Hermes - Hermes is awesome. He is the only Olympian in the game whose boon you can't summon or "force" through his keepsake. Yet he always appears in Asphodel without fail and I highly recommend you visit him whenever given the opportunity. His boons are phenomenal, and I imagine they're not allowed in his keepsake given how quickly a run can become broken if you get a lucky break. Swift Strike, Swift Floruish, & Greater Evasion were my personal favorites. Particularly that last one can be a lifesaver when you're supposed to take a 40+ damage hit from Hades on the final boss and instead your "dodge" percentage bails you out. His general demeanor is also wonderful. He's very quick-witted, gives you a heads up on some future boons you'll find, and gives you the challenge of beating Charon back-to-back times. I also imagine he's a speedrunner's favorite since he'll offer the player the opportunity to make him shut up and get straight to the boon which I don't believe is possible with any other Olympian. 

 

#3. Poseidon - Poseidon embodies "fun crazy uncle" energy. He's literally your Uncle! He's always looking out for his favorite nephew and I appreciate his jovial tone. He also has my favorite dash power-up in the entire game as "Tidal Dash" can be ridiculously OP if you have 3 dashes and can knock enemies into a wall for some asinine damage. Boiling Point is also very useful if you have an easy method to regain lost health. My only critique of Poseidon would be he quite literally does Artemis to smile more and uh... you don't do that to best girl and get away with it!

 

#4. Aphrodite - Quite easily the spiciest character portrait and that is saying something given how many hottie-hot-hotties there are. Basically, Aphrodite is extremely flirtatious and lecherous with the player and despite the fact that you know she's absolutely the type of woman(Goddess...?) who'll ruin your life... you're ready to risk it all. She'll also comment on your flirtations with some of the other characters once that time comes. Sorry your husband loves his work more than you, lady. She's also lowkey prolly at her hottest when you choose a rival god over her in those challenge rooms. I think I've said enough. She has my favorite "Call" in the game with Aphrodite's Aid and will deal a devastating 2.5k damage to bosses which will outright kill many of them if you get them low enough. 

 

#5. Demeter - The Ice Queen. Demeter is very cold in all her interactions. Whereas many of the others will show appreciation for Zagreus and cheer him on, Demeter is usually very reserved and will offer tepid congratulations to the player when they succeed. I kind of get it. Your mom (who is her daughter) was stolen away from her and vanished. I get how that'd make someone pretty unsympathetic. Then again, she killed her parents. None of the Olympians have a clean record if we're being honest. Anyways, the reason she's this high is because of how helpful her boons were. Forcing "chill" on enemies and making them slow down is arguably the most helpful negative effect you can inflict on opposing foes. Those extra split seconds you're given to react can save your behind and turn a potential failing run into a winner. 

 

#6. Zeus - The most famous Olympian. Ruler of Olympus. He's kind of a jerk when you know his history but this feels as good a point as any in the review to mention that I know next to nothing about Greek mythology other than the minor bits of information that have stuck with me through the video games I've played. Yet despite that, I know Zeus' history of basically screwing everything that walks. If you're a Greek mythos nut, I imagine you could or could not enjoy the direction Supergiant Games went with his character. As someone who doesn't care about the source material, I'd say he still comes across as properly arrogant and you can feel the weight his words carry knowing who he is. 

 

#7. Athena - This one may be a bit surprising. I don't really have many memorable interactions with Athena in the game. She comes across as one of the more sympathetic of the bunch but she was also the one who I felt was most putting on a veneer. She wants to be known as very gracious and considerate. Yet is she really? Aphrodite once called her out on it and it always stuck with me from then onwards. Regardless, her abilities to deflect are extremely helpful and she has one of the most helpful calls in the game which can make you immune to all damage for an extended period of time. 

 

#8. Ares - God of War. Heh. Yea, there's no Kratos in this game. He's honestly just kind of there. He helps aid Zagreus in his conquest because he appreciates some good bloodshed. The reason why he wins out over Dionysus despite having less of a personality is due to the fact his boons are far superior in my eyes. His blade rifts can deal some devastating damage when cornering an enemy and the "Doom" effect can give you that extra edge you need against enemies with a sliver of health left. "Blood Frenzy" can also be sensational for the final boss.

 

#9. Dionysus - The most debaucherous of all the Olympians. Dionysus is the example of when having fun all the time is good and all until it isn't. He has you play a little prank or Orpheus. But meh. I felt like alongside Ares he's the Olympian that I least developed a real bond with. I also didn't care too much for his boons. Hangover is just aight. A lot of his other powers revolve around health-related boosts and those are just okay. You can pay for a nifty little poster of him in your room if you pay off the house contractor. 

 

Others of Note:

#1. Skelly - I love Skelly. He has the absolutely brutal job of being brutally beaten to death by the protagonist Zagreus every time he wants to test out a new weapon before venturing into battle. Rather than lament his situation, Skelly takes pride in his job and offers help to Zags with various many tips while the player is still getting acclimated his game. The reason why he became my favorite is that he's such a ballbuster. In a world filled with serious characters who respect Zagreus for being royalty, Skelly's always cracking jokes. His favor of asking the player to "kill him permanently" 100% fooled me. Thank you for being yourself, Schelemeus. 

 

#2. Achilles - I imagine for many players, Achilles is quickly going to be the one they most find themselves favoring and befriending early on. He taught the prince everything he knows about fighting and was once a great warrior himself before perishing. He offers his codex and assistance to Zag whenever it doesn't overly conflict with his loyalty to Hades. You end up returning the favor when you help him reunite with his lover in Elysium after so much time apart. More on that later. 

 

#3. Persephone - She's your mother. The person who gave you the motivation you needed to battle out of hell time and time again to understand your past. The one who ends up reestablishing the lost and strained relationships that are ever so prevalent in your family. It's no surprise how she was beloved by so many in the house. She also happens to be the only one who can keep your father in check and can cultivate a hella baller garden I mean my goodness do you see how gorgeous this scenery is? She's splendid and worthy of the effort it takes to bring her back. 

 

#4. Theseus - Okay this may be a shocking one for a lot of y'all. Theseus is an ENORMOUS jerk. Arguably the biggest one in the entire game and man is that saying something. He talks himself up in a ridiculously self-absorbed fashion every time you fight him in the arena in order to get out of Elysium and despite being part of a team alongside Asterius, frequently overshadows him by hogging the ball in essentially every conversation. But I love him. He's so ridiculous. He hates Zagreus so much. Always going on about how much of a demon he is and how the hellspawn needs to be vanquished. It makes it all the sweeter when you send him home in tears with a fat L. Easily one of the most memorable characters in the entire game. 

 

#5. Eurydice - Eurydice is lovely. She serves as the NPC you'll most frequently encounter in Asphodel. Despite the scalding climate, you'll always find her pleasantly singing along a tune and tending to her many recipes. She offers one of the more helpful upgrades in the game which is the option to upgrade your boons or abilities or the ability to guarantee higher rated ones in the future. I absolutely love her character design and think her eventually ceding to Orpheus' advances of reuniting after being separated was quite cute. 

 

#6. Asterius - Okay this is the point of the list when I've gotta be honest and say the "Others of Note" category is where my favorite cast of characters lie. Asterius would be Top 3 in either of the prior two yet here he ranks 6th. Despite being a minotaur and his appearance suggesting he's all brawn and no brains, Asterius is remarkably respectful of both the player and the position he holds. Despite working with an insufferable companion, he greatly respects Theseus and is loyal to a fault towards him. I was so badly hoping the tables would turn and we'd be able to fight an overpowered Theseus aided by all the Olympians and Asterius would help Zagreus vanquish him given the familiarity he has with his fighting style. That never came to pass. Aside from that, you'll also fight him on 1 v. 1 in a prior Elysium encounter if you so choose while venturing. This will bump down his health for the main fight and especially help on later difficulties when his "leap and smash the hammer into the ground" attack deals some devastating damage with extra range. 

 

#7. Sisyphus - I really did not expect Sisyphus to be a good dude when I initially started playing. I knew he had been given a severe punishment of pushing up a boulder for eternity but aside from that... I thought the direction they went with him was wonderful. Rather than bemoan his unfortunate circumstances of an awful task and being bullied by the likes of the Fury Sisters and Thanatos, he's befriended his inanimate companion, Bouldy, and offers Zagreus a helpful boost to start off Tartarus by offering health, darkness, or extra coin depending on what the need calls for. The only thing I didn't like about his arc is even after reworking your contract and allowing him to leave his punished state... he just kinda doesn't. He's content there. He says why and it's an okay justification but the reality is since it's a roguelite you need him to always be there. Kinda wish he could randomly show up in other regions of the Underworld on vacation or something to show that he is taking full advantage of his newfound freedom. 

 

#8. Dusa - Dusa is delightful. She's the body-less gorgon who serves as the house cleaner for Hades. Her voice is adorable. I imagine for many other players she could end up being their favorite given how unbelievably blushy crushy she is for the prince. As in, literally vanish from conversations by ascending into the ceiling after receiving a bottle of nectar who getting spooked off guard after you sneak up on her. Nyx and others try to establish boundaries between the two of you(such as she's NEVER allowed to initiate conversations with you), and you have to tell them to back off and let them know you enjoy your time with her. I guess she's a romance option? It's cute. 

 

#9. Cerberus - Ceberus is a good boy. OR good boys? I dunno if the heads enjoy being discussed as an individual or plurally. Cerberus obviously can't speak given he's a guard dog but the narrator allows you to interpret his movements and he typically remains as stoic and steadfast in his assignment as over. He also serves as the final obstacle as you can't leave the Temple of Styx without first finding his Satyr snack which serves as a bribe to make him leave his assignment. 

 

#10. Patroclus - The lamenting warrior you'll find mumbling to himself in Elysium. He's Achillies lover. You won't discover this for quite some time and until I realized it, I kinda... didn't like his character? He wasn't bad or anything and you could tell he had been through a lot but I don't really vibe with melancholy types. I'm happy I was able to reunite them after being apart for so long but aside from that, his character doesn't offer much else. Actually, scratch that. He does! He has by far the best NPC gift in the game which allows the player to replenish all death defiances used. With some mirror settings, you can have up to 3 of them which is HUGE for more challenging difficulties. Shoutout to him for that at least. 

 

#11. Orpheus - Orpheus is the musician of the house and is forced by Hades to serve and sing in the house faithfully regardless of if his passion isn't in it. He's... meh. Given how awesome the rest of the supporting cast is I can't rate him much higher than last place. He botched things with Eurydice and after much persistence was able to return things back to an amicable status. He's very gullible to Zagreus tellings and will spin songs out of folklore even after Zags has told him he's kidding. He's aight at the end of the day. Wow... I went on WAY too long analyzing each and every character individually. Sorry about that. Let's move on to the damn gameplay! 

What Hades lacks in weapon variety compared to other roguelites it makes up for in weapon depth. 6 weapons, 4 aspects of each. 24 total. You will be incentivized to learn how all of them function.

 

Video Demonstrating All of Hades Weapons

 

Melee Weapons - The melee weapons in the game are the sword (2nd) and gloves (5th) as featured in the image above. They require the player to get close to opposing foes in order to deal damage, but combined with their special can also do AOE damage that can dwindle the number of opposing enemies in a matter of moments. I loved both of them. The sword was excellent early on and I loved one of the weapon abilities you can gain from Daedelus hammer which makes it so you can regain +2 health per attack on a foe. On higher difficulties it becomes an unviable strategy but beginner level? Absolutely worth it. The gloves feature an uppercut that can deal damage to all enemies within an allotted area. I was quite partial to the aspect of Gilgamesh due to how devastating I found maiming enemy monsters could be. The gameplay is incredibly fast-paced and while a bit teensy bit button mashy, a great deal of fun.

 

Ranged Weapons - The ranged weapons in the game are the bow (4th) and railgun (6th). My favorite early game weapon was the bow. Particularly the aspect of Chiron. Due to my lackluster reaction time, being able to have some distance between enemies and still be able to hone in on specific enemies while also having a spray attack that removed all incoming projectiles was gigantic. It can also be super fun timing the power shot after each dash which means the gameplay never feels stagnant or overly safe which can be contrary to how ranged weapons feel in many games. Despite all the love I've shown the bow, my 1st ever run victory came on my 21st attempt and it was all thanks to the adamant rail! Despite the fact it probably isn't even within my Top 3 favorite weapons, I have to give it credit for being able to deal devastating damage with it's special bomb that does damage to a number of foes within range. The Daedelus augmentation that allows you to fire 3 in quick succession known as "Triple Bomb" proved to be the difference-maker. I generally wasn't in huge favor of the latter aspects but that'll be entirely dependent on your preferences.

 

Mixed Weapons - There are two weapons in the game that serve as both melee/ranged options and they are the spear (1st) and shield (3rd) featured above. I'll be honest, the spear was in all likelihood my least favorite weapon in the game. Aspect of Achillies was by far my favorite of the aspects given the ability to dash after using your special, but all the other ones had lackluster features that I never really vibed with. Guan Yu particularly was borderline impossible to win on higher difficulties given how low your health was. The thing I most disliked was in order to do the charged-up attack where you spin in a circle, you had to hold down the attack button. I hated this sensation. I felt like I was leaving myself open to an attack by an enemy and only ever used to immediately as enemies spawned into an encounter in order to deal some heavy damage from the outset. I also feel like it's too risky on bosses as you can leave yourself open to being hit. The shield on the other was a weapon I loved. Perhaps my 2nd favorite in the entire game. The bull rush is ripped straight out of Pyre and Jodariel's moveset and I absolutely love it. My favorite aspect was easily that of Chaos as seeing that many shields fly out after bullying the enemy never ceased being satisfying. 

 

My Security Log (All 85 Legitimate Runs Documented)

My Permanent Record

 

My Play Style - I thought it'd be fun to include the two above links so that anyone who has platinumed Hades could compare how they fared to my personal experience. I got to Hades for the 1st time in my 13th run. Died at his hands in the 16th, 17th, & 18th attempts before finally overcoming him. My best hot streak came when I started grinding for various rewards and won on my 39th, 41st, 42nd, 43rd, 44th, 45th, & 46th attempts consecutively. But as I felt the game was starting to get a bit too easy for my liking given how powerful Zagreus had become, I decided to aim for the "Skelly's Last Lamentations" trophy which requires the player to beat the game with a heat level of 16. I flamed out in Elysium, at the hands of Hades, at the hands of Asterius, and Hades again before finally vanquishing him on my 6th attempt. All thanks to the aspect of Arthur wielding absolutely devastating damage. Switching gears over to boons, I somehow cleared the game 8 times with the adamant rail out of the 9 times I used it? I honestly don't even remember playing that well with it. I clearly preferred the bow given it has the most number of run attempts but neither of the melee weapons fall too far behind. My favorite boons were those of Hermes (unsurprisingly) and Aphrodite... somewhat more surprising. Dionysus finds himself at the bottom of many of the boons I only used once. Sorry not sorry. Shoutout to Sudden Rush and Triple Bomb. Finally, in terms of keepsakes, I was always a fan of taking extra health with the old spiked collar given how helpful that extra health would be upon using death defiances should I inevitably lose a life to Hades. All in all, while not the most complex or difficult combat system for a roguelite - I think the complexity offered by the game along with the number of available synergies should make it appealing to the vast majority of the gaming public, and its no wonder it became as mainstream of a title as it did. 

Hades, more than any game I've played, has a wonderful collection of small elements that when put together create a transformative experience. Why did they include an overview map? SO YOU CAN TAKE A PIC LIKE THE ABOVE!

 

Responsive World To Player Actions - If someone asked me, "what is your favorite thing that Hades does?" this would be my answer. This FEELS like an actual world I'm partaking in as opposed to being the lord and master puppeteering a bunch of AI-programmed citizens. Characters will comment on what you accomplish. But rather than being a formulaic response such as in FF7R where you'll go kill a bunch of rats in the corner of a sector and you'll randomly hear citizens say "GLAD WE NO LONGER HAVE A RAT PROBLEM", Hades characters recognize what the player is doing. If you are favoring specific Olympians, the game will comment on that. Progressing in certain storylines will have characters you wouldn't imagine being involved comment on them. Your own playstyle can be critiqued. By far, my favorite example of this in the entire game is once you start defeating Megaera consistently, she will call you out. She KNOWS you're getting help and assistance from Nyx via the mirror in your room. She calls you out plainly and states that without the aid of her powers, you wouldn't stand a chance against her. HOW AWESOME IS THAT? Now the game has incentivized me to go ahead and challenge myself and remove all of Nyx's upgrades to the player just so I can directly prove her wrong (or right lol) and it did through freaking dialogue rather than a challenge menu. There are more examples I could list but they're best experienced firsthand when you realize just how much the game is actually watching what you're doing and will have an answer for it. I quite enjoyed whenever I would face Hades, he would always call me out for using any of the Olympian calls. My favorite on my first time using one against him was with Athena's shield and he called me a coward for hiding behind her protection. Obviously, all of this stuff is programmed in by the developers, but the candidness of these moments when they occur move mountains for creating an immersive experience for the player. 

 

Constant Rewards / Progression - One of the classic questions/criticisms made about roguelites is trying to find that balance between the player naturally getting better due to practice with the game vs. the game getting easier due to more unlockables. How does Hades handle that question? Pretty decently. I'll cover the Pact of Punishment (difficulty slider) more in detail later and I'd like to dedicate this paragraph to the rewards. They're excellent. They feel meaningful. Rather than being an outright damage buff, they're elements that allow the player to exploit the weaknesses of monsters and gradually allow for more error by granting things such as more health, more death defiances (HP depletes, you respawn, and continue with half health) and so forth. You unlock those by collecting darkness which you will naturally collect the more runs you play. If you stagnate on a certain difficulty, you'll gain darkness in the hundreds which may give you that extra push you need to conquer a specific boss. Eventually, you'll run out of things to unlock as each ability has a ceiling limit. So what does Hades do? It gives the player a ridiculous amount of things to unlock in other departments. By defeating bosses on new difficulties, you'll gain titan blood, which can be used to upgrade the distinct capabilities of all 24 of your weapons. You can also gain diamonds, which can be spent in exorbitant fashion for fancy designs of the house such as portraits of various family members or unlocking Orpheus full music catalog. This doesn't even get into gemstones, which can be collected in the thousands to unlock some of the coolest designs in the entire game and I can say comfortable I still had a number of things to purchase with nearly 70 hours in the game. My point? There's always something to do, and you're likely looking at 150+ hours before becoming a full true completionist. Perhaps for some, the cosmetic aspects of the house won't matter to them, but knowing what I knew about the paragraph above, you bet your ass I'm dropping diamonds on a brand new green-themed disco skull just so I can hear father bemoan my reckless spending!

 

Have You Seen How Gorgeous This Game Is? - I've purposefully placed many images from the game in this review to allow the game's tantalizing visuals to speak for themselves. Good lord man. The game is breathtaking. It can't be understated how much just enjoying hanging out in a world due to how visually stunning it is can add to the enjoyment. I've enjoyed movies almost entirely carried by the fact I enjoyed looking at an actress's face. (See: Zoey Deutch in Before I Fall). The personal character portraits have small details that you won't notice until your 30th time speaking with them. Each region has vibrant colors that give a sense of progression when you're in the early game and go venturing into Elysium for the first time. Hell, even things such as simple as the Olympian power-ups are simplistic yet so perfectly well-designed that within your first 10 hours you'll already have perfectly memorized which symbol signifies each of them individually. It's all incredibly well done and I would be astonished if it doesn't take for the reward of "Best Art Style" comes my 2022 Awards thread in late December. 

Megaera is too focused on her career of murdering to get too caught up and distracted with a boyfriend. Kinda awkward when the murdering she's doing implicates you directly. #ItsComplicated

 

My Biggest Criticism of Hades - I've spoken glowingly about this game for the last few thousand words. I think I can temper that slightly with some well-intentioned criticism. One of the biggest flaws in the entire game, in my mind, is the game needed more regions. Not in terms of length, but in terms of choice. This is easily the biggest difference-maker and one point that a game such as Dead Cells has in its favor. I'll compare the two in-depth later but the lack of player choice in this aspect is absolutely felt by around the 50-hour mark. You are always going to have to escape from Tartarus, then Asphodel, then Elysium, then the Temple of Styx before facing Hades. It just gets a bit... repetitive. I understand completely the limitations. This is a smaller team that relies HEAVILY on narrative with you directly speaking to Meg/Fury Sisters (Tartarus Boss), & Theseus/Asterius (Elysium Boss) but man... it sure would have been nice to be able to get some variety and take a backdoor to another area. Even adding just 1-2 options between Asphodel and another place and Temple of Styx and another place would have been immensely appreciated. I would argue enemy variety is very ever so slightly lacking due to these restrictions. Fighting the Greatshield enemies in Elysium gets obnoxious after quite some time and not even having the ability to pick a different, equally as difficult enemy accentuated that limitation. 

 

If This Was a Dragon Quest Game - This is going to be an off-the-wall bonkers statement, but I legitimately believed for a moment that when we got to Greece and saw Persephone for the first few times, the game was eventually going to unlock a 5TH region we could go to, make our way through, and eventually fight one of the Olympians 1 v. 1. You would do this progressively until all of them had been defeated. I know, I know. This is some Dragon Quest-tier generosity that would be required of the developer but WOULDN'T THAT BE FREAKING AWESOME? There presents some obvious divisive problems with the narrative and gameplay that would need to be resolved. For example, what if you had powers given to you by Poseidon and then you go and fight him in his sea-level region? 1) He could either punish you and revoke them. 2) You could use his own powers he bestowed upon you against him. Either works in my opinion. Defeating them doesn't mean killing them either. It could mean subduing them, gaining their respect, and them now being willing to listen to Zagreus regarding his pleas and the actual reason for his escape. The game ALREADY kinda does a version of this with you sometimes having to pick between gods and then pitting you against the one you slighted. The final boss would be left for Zeus until you defeat all the others and... am I crazy or doesn't this all sound phenomenal? Again, wildly unrealistic, an obscene amount of dog years would need to be spent in terms of developer time but I thought I should mention it since if the game did this, I would have gifted it Game of the Decade with no qualifiers on the spot. 

 

Pact of Punishment - It's about time we talked about the Pact of Punishment. This is the way Hades handles difficulty after you defeat the game for the first time. You can add levels of "heat" to your run. This is necessary in order to keep elevating with different weapons in order to be eligible to earn diamonds, ambrosia, titan blood, etc... otherwise, you just earn more darkness(material to upgrade Zag's stats). I both love it and hate it. On one hand, I appreciate the freedom the game gives you to try and make the game harder for yourself. Early on, I always put the time limit of 9 minutes in each region since I wanted to play first anyway. As you start increasing, you can give enemy shields, make their attacks faster, include more enemies, make traps do way more damage, make mini-bosses harder, etc... there are plenty of options. By far the GREATEST of all of these is "Extreme Measures". Why is it? It is the only difficulty alteration that has a DIRECT effect on the narrative. By raising it, Meg will no longer fight alone but alongside her two other Fury Sisters and this will be covered in dialogue that they are working together again due to your actions. Against Lernie (snake skeleton boss), he'll have different variations of himself. Against Theseus and Asterius, the former will have a GOLDEN CHARIOT that he will parade about on until you knock him down to like 30% health left while Asterius will be faster and unleash a devastating swinging axe attack that you better distance yourself from or else you'll die in a hurry. All this sounds awesome, yea? Here's my criticism. The game needed better-defined elevations in difficulty or "baselines" than offering complete freedom. The game on 1-2 heat is nothing compared to the base game. There needed to be defined increments of 5, 10, 15, 20, etc... much like the boss cells in Dead Cells that offer an appreciable difference. I think the game could have kept the freedom and still given player's these benchmarks and added a narrative element on top of it. Imagine your father Hades saying: "This is our new baseline of defense we're debuting with you. Good luck handling it." and make that the new standard. Sometimes players can be given too much freedom and I think this was an example of that. 

 

Trophies - I refused to look at the trophies in the game until I had beaten it once. I made sure to use a number of different keepsakes, use a variety of weapons, give nectar to many different characters, work on the prophecies, etc.. since I imagined many of these would be part of the trophies involved with the game. I was 100% correct. I only looked at them after about 30+ hours in and had earned over half on my own without any guide. There is an exceptional guide on PSNProfiles that will help aid players if assistance is needed, but I'd honestly say the game is so straightforward you can pick up on the majority of these without any assistance. The game is very helpful with finding new boons by adding a little scroll marker when you uncover a new one which means you don't need to reference your own handwritten list in order to remember. I've included some videos of my trophies so you can see how I play. "Hold the Onions" requires you to beat an Erbeus gate without taking damage. It's easy on lower heat levels and all you need is a minimum of 5 to unlock one in Tartarus. "Friends Forever" requires you to max-rank each keepsake. USE DIFFERENT KEEPSAKES. This would be a pain to grind at the end if you didn't and I'm glad my initial instinct was to always switch whenever I maxed one out. The trophies in the game are by and large not that difficult and I imagine they can be cheesed with "God Mode". I never dreamed of turning it on once but the back door is always there for those who don't love the game as much as I do. I ended up earning the 27.57% rarity platinum in 2 weeks and 41 minutes.

Do you know how parents will lie to you and say they don't have a favorite child? I'm here to vanquish that trope. These games ARE my children and I DO have a favorite. 

 

Hades Vs. Other Roguelites - With games as great as these, the final rite of passage to be enshrined in my Top 10 games of All-Time requires me by law to pit them against one another. I'm sorry, I don't make the rules. I only follow them. Take it up with the council if you disagree. First of all, Hades vs. Going Under - this one is brutal. I feel like a traitor. When I played Going Under back in December 2021, I was blown away by a roguelite that made me give a damn about its characters and had a plot that I could follow and didn't mindlessly wade through. The gameplay was chunky and purposeful. Hell, when I played it, I thought that Hades was getting too much mainstream love while a hidden diamond in the rough had gone completely unnoticed. Then I played Hades... and saw that all the hype, praise, and adoration it received was completely justified. Another issue that presents itself is I only got to bask in Going Under's greatness for 18 hours compared to 68 hours with Hades. There is a chasmic gulf between the two. While the DLC made an impressive attempt to narrow the gap, Hades is just superior in my mind. But now it's time for LeBron vs. MJ. Hades vs. Dead Cells. Which is better? Goodness, that's tough. I think I honestly prefer the snappiness of Dead Cells with its and difficulty ceiling over Hades. Hades doesn't let you stomp on enemies' heads. It doesn't have a jump button. It doesn't let you smash through doors. It also demolishes the opposing game in terms of different game regions (literally 20+ compared to the same 4 in Hades every time) as well as enemy variety AND weapon variety. Granted, some of the differences between many of them are absurdly minor. Yet... Hades has in its favor the fact I actually cared to learn and practice with every weapon. I NEVER went with a Survival style in Dead Cells. I also prefer the more heartfelt and sincere nature of Hades story and cast compared to Dead Cells cynicism / dark humor of the headless being a constant jerk to everyone he comes across. Ultimately, I think this is the deciding factor between the two for me. I prefer a story that'll pull at the heartstrings and be 100% willing to lay its soul bare at the risk of being mocked VS. one that never dares venture into that territory and maintains a sarcastic tone. Obviously, both developers had very different goals in mind with their creations but I'll settle with Hades taking the throne and reigning as the new King on the Roguelite Throne. 

 

Would I recommend Hades? Yes. Yup. Si. Absolutamente. How else could I answer? Perhaps you may not like the bite-sized distribution of the narrative, you may find the game is far too dependent on upgrades in order to improve upon each run, or hell, perhaps your cold heart is so hell-bent on mechanics and gameplay that Hades lacks some of the depth of other titles that you may not want to spend the next 70 hours of your life playing it while unlocking everything. I can safely say none of those sensations come across me. I'll always remember Hades for the fact that it felt like time evaporated while I was playing it. I legitimately almost missed a few necessary life meetings/events due to the fact I hadn't realized an entire 30-45 minutes had flown by while trying to squeeze in one last run before quitting. It is ridiculously rare for a game to live up to the hype that a player can place upon it BEFORE playing and to see Hades pass every benchmark makes me giddy for the next Supergiant Games. Seriously, the guys and gals over there are getting better with age. It's ridiculous. Despite all that I've written, I still feel like I missed out on including some details such as the soundtrack and immaculate voice acting (which lemme tell you, MOVES MOUNTAINS for this game when I think back to how much I loved Pyre). But that's life. It's hard to write about every detail and I've been bogged down writing this review for the last 2 WEEKS that I need to move on. I hope this review was able to encapsulate some of the feelings of those who loved this game as much as I did. If not, I'll try better next time. Until then!

 

Panda Score: 9.73 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 5.5 / 10

Spoiler

Hades Notes:

Written: April 19th, 2022

• I am super excited to finally play this. Downloaded the PS5 copy after inserting the PS4 disc and thanks to the awesome developers at Supergiant Games it’s a free upgrade. This is a game I’ve been wanting to play for AGES and my first fresh Supergiant experience since Bastion back in August 2019. It’s SG + roguelite features? I HAVE to think it’ll be a 9/10 mastapeece but let’s not get ahead of ourselves and just enjoy things as they come
• Finally playing on April 20th, lessgo!
• Good lord this game is gorgeous
• Let’s take that Divine Strike from Boons of Athena
• Damn Dionysus has some thunder thighs
• Zagreus got some bri ish vibes going on yea?
• DANG IT my 1st death came to one of those fat belly dudes, oh well
• The detail on this home world is jaw droopingly magnificent. WOW
• NOOOOOOOOOOO I GOT ALL THE WAY TO MEGARA AND DIED WHEN SHE WAS AT 10% HEALTH LEFT DAMMIT MAN
• We decided to give our 1st ever gift to Nyx cuz she’s hot
• LMAOOOO Athena just let me now that Nyx is our mom WHOOPS
• Oh boy Aphrodite….
• Aww the little owls on Artemis staff are adorable
• DANG IT 3RD RUN AND DIED AGAIN TO MEGARA AGAIN LIKE 20% HEALTH LEFT
• We gave one of those gifts to Charon since he’s pretty chill
• YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Destroyed Megara on my 4th run, 3rd attempt vs her. Had 100 health going in, finished with 58. Did it with the bow. Happy with that!
• Gained our 1st trophy for escaping Tartarus! On to.. Asphodel?
• WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE BEAT HYDRA FIRST TIME THANKS TO A CLUTCH DEATH DEFY AND A DEFLECT BOON ON MY BOW OH MY GOODNESS SURVIVED WITH 18 HEALTH LEFT LESSSSSGOOOO FIRST TRY AND WHAT A GREAT FIGHT
• I’m super chuffed about that, this next place, Elysium will prob obliterate us but hey!
• Welp we died to a freaking chariot… oh well, that was a phenomenal run!
• I did not realize just how much time evaporated during that run, nearly was late to something I needed to do cuz of Hades lol
• Aww, Sisyphus is pretty adorable. Nice face.
• WOOOOOO with the bow again… man that hydra fight is phenomenal. Now 2-0 against him
• We made it to the fight against Theseus & Asterius… here we go!
• Welp I died
• Damn… Persephone left a note bailing on Hades. We’re getting some lore in-between runs
• SO NYX ISN’T OUR MOM? SHE’S BACK ON THE MENU BOYS!!!!!
• 3-0 against hydra, using the weird Poseidon spear!
• You the boon “Cursed Slash” is freaking AMAZING! Heal +2 per hit, lose 60% health but still worth it IMO
• Yo we FINALLY meet Eurydice… she seems… nice. Has a tree growing on her head
• Wha… we just made it back to Elysium and fought Asterius 1 v 1 and he stopped before being killed?
• At a full 70/70 health… this Cursed Slash is CARRYING us. Let’s beat Elysium!
• WE BEAT HIM!!!! 6 HEALTH LEFT BUT WE DID IT!
• “The Temple of Styx” oh boy…
• Okay thankfully we don’t fight Cerberus
• WOW THAT TINY VERMIN WAS THE MOST VICIOUS MONSTER EVER
• Right we got through all 5 chambers, Cerberus out the way, lets bust out this joint
• OH NO ITS FATHER
• Welp we died to Hades… I’m sad. Got him down to 30% HP. Even with a death defy he hits so damn hard for like 39 damage that I couldn’t regenerate. It was funny hearing him call me out for being a coward hiding behind Athena’s shield God Call power. It makes sense narrative wise that I lost 1st time facing him + never seeing his attacks but damn.
• Ayyy we meet Demeter, she seems… cool (get it?)
• Wow I love these brand new fisticuffs weapon…
• Hades with “FAMILY” and “BRAT” entering the next run… huh?
• Oh damn we’re not fighting Meg, we’re fighting a girl named Alecto?
• Welp we died to her 1st try
• We took down Tisiphone who shrinks the arena the longer the fight goes
• Beat Thesus & Minotaur with the shield… man that was hard
• We’re at 171/270 health… with one death defy. Ready to take on Hades. LETS DO THIS!
• NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I DIED WITH LIKE LITERALLY 5% OF HIS HEALTH LEFT IM SUCH AN IDIOT DAMMIT ALMOST BEAT HIM ON MY 2ND ATTEMPT DAMMIT WHYYYYYYYYYY
• Brand new run with the sword - we got cursed slash again - THIS WILL BE THE RUN
• We just got a trophy for crushing Thanatos in a completion, get rekt
• APROHDOITE WITH THE CLUTCH MISSILE TO OBLITERATE ALETTO!!!!! LESSGO!
• APRHODITE’S CALL + Poseidon’s Boiling Point + Cursed Slash is SOOOO OP, just crushed Hydra with it
• Aphrodite is the MVP man. That call is so OP. Theseus is such a jerk and it’s so satisfying obliterating him with it
• I’m so upset…. IM SO UPSET… I had cursed slash, comfortably beat his 1ST PHASE and then realized he had an entire 2nd health bar. I died with him down to like 25%. I’m so upset. THAT WAS THE RUN. So disappointing.
• Megaera and Dusa being lunchtime friends is so cute
• Welp we died again with the bow on the 2nd phase against Hades. Hate this dude.
• The shade whose are only fan vs Theseus is so cute
• Died to Hades yet again… this time with the fisticuffs, think we’re 0-5 against him now?
• Skelly just warned us against giving up nectar to any ol person expecting stuff back… as someone raised on Harvest Moon, WHAT?
• I FINALLY DID IT!!!! I BEAT HADES!!! THANK YOU TO THE GUN WEAPON + 3x FIRE SPECIALITY + SPECIALITY BIG BOY DAMAGE! LESSSGOOOOO!!!!!!
• So we met our mom which is cool. She was flipping out. I like the game’s way of making sure the rogue like elements still make sense given Zagreus gets far too weak when he’s outside of the Underworld
• HADES OUR DAD IS GASLIGHTING US LMAO HE’S NEVA LOST
• Okay that fight vs. Meg altered with the 3 sisters cuz of the bounty is CRAZY
• I am so impressed by the amount of unique dialogue in the game. Next fight with Meg and she comments that I removed the pact that had her fight with her sisters
• I finally feel comfortable typing this. Now that I’ve beaten the game once and am about 17 hours in, Hades is undoubtedly going to end up in my Top 10 of All-Time list. The 9.0 tier is assured. It’s freaking phenomenal. Time EVAPORATES while I’m playing it. I’m embarrassed how much I’ve almost been late to important events due to the fact I thought I could get one more quick run in. I’m loving each of the different weapons after being a little iffy on only 6 different styles but now I’ve learned there are far more iterations. I love the pact of punishment concept. I’m enjoying the game so much I’m not even going to look at the trophies until I get the canonical ending… I imagine I have to beat the whole game 5, 10, 20 times? We shall see. All I know is I’m loving it and don’t wanna even the mildest of spoilers.
• Dammit died to Hades on another attempt with the gloves on his 2nd bar, 1-6 against him now
• LMAO we just told Thanatos he still lives with his mom that’s hilarious
• YESSSSSS!!! WE BEAT HIM THE 2ND TIME WITH THE DISC WEAPON! 275 health, 3 death revivals… down to our last one but we did indeed beat him! Woohoo!
• Got to chat with Miss lovely Persephone my goodness what a garden she maintains
• Looooool Zeus saying he tried to match up Hades with some “more wholesome types”
• LESSGGOOO!!!! BEAT HIM 3RD TIME, STYGIAN BLADE! This time with Cursed Slash finally
• “I see through the eyes of the crimson phoenix” hmmm…
• Aphrodite calling Poseidon an idiot lmao
• Welp, died in the 2nd phase of Hades fight with the bow..
• SIT DOWN HADES!!!! Just beat him with the spear for the 1st time ever, that Daedalus perk that makes spear attack faster but removes the spin is AMAZING, clutch and won me the run along with a bunch of Zeus powers
• Zagreus thinks that Hades is protecting Persephone? Hmm…
• LOOOOOOL I JUST LEARNED YOU CAN FIGHT CHARON HE KILLED ME ON A BOW RUN
• Lmao Zageus calling out his dad for always burning up capes and having a storage chamber full of them
• Wow we OBLITERATED him… only had to use 1 death defy. Gloves + Demeter powers(like 5 of them) are super OP!
• CRUSHED HIM WITH THE BOW! BEAT HIM WITH ALL WEAPONS NOW, 6TH WIN!
• LOL @ us putting an Aphrodite poster in our room
• Okay I’ve kinda hit a wall on 2 skulls pact punishment… like 4-5 dead runs in a row
• WOAH…. Megaera threatening Sisyphus for helping us? That’s not cool Meg >_<
• The run after typing that we end up being Hades for the 7th time with the gloves!
• Damn our mom don’t want us around anymore..
• WOOOHOO! Beat him with Coronchat and wow that was easy… didn’t even use a single death defy!
• Woah we finally got access to father’s chambers… HE HAS JUST CAPES!
• Meg calling us out saying we only beat her cuz of Nyx’s help in the mirror is EXCELLENT
• Managed to clinch our 9th win with the adamant rail!
• WOOOOOOOOW I DID NOT EXPECT THAT! 10TH TIME I got to Hades with Guan You and he chose NOT to fight us! That’s crazy!
• MOM’S COMING HOME????
• YOOOO CHARON GONNA GIVE US A RIDE, I forgive you for killing us 4 times
• WE SEE THE CREDITS!!!! Damn man…. I freaking love Supergiant Games
• Lmao Zagreus not knowing the way to get back into his own house
• Tfw ur wife is happier to see the dog than you
• Hades apologizes to us… damn….
• Awww, Hades wants us to keep trying to break free to test the security of his domain
• YES AND WE STILL GET TO FIGHT HIM, tend to Persephone’s home, this is all so sweet
• Family portrait and everything, Dusa says we’re co-workers now
• Wow our 11th win was the easiest ion the entire game, complete cupcake spamming triangle
• So… I’m 35+ hours in… I’ve gotta ask. WHAT ON EARTH IS THE REWARD FOR WINNING IN ELYSIUM FOR? I HAVENT USED IT ONCE
• Ayyyy we beat him with Beowulf, 12th win, and now 2x with each weapon, cool!
• Awww we finally broke through Father’s cold heart and unlocked his trinket
• 13th win, another with Coronchat
• Oh wow… Hades took us to the courtyard and revealed Zeus kinda got issue with Demeter by gifting her daughter away to Hades
• Are we gonna end up being able to reunite Orpheus and Eurydice?
• Dawg Zeus just told my Nyx is hot chill dawg
• AYYY WE FINALLY USED AN AMBROSIA! Forged a bond with Charon!
• Yo I’ve given some nectar to Meg… DID WE AND HER USED TO DATE?
• We managed to handle the 16th pact punishment trophy with the Sword of Arthur!
• WOOOOOOOAH MEG’S IN OUR ROOM???????
• RETRIEVING THE LAST OF HER POSSESSIONS. WE WERE IN. AT ONE POINT.
• WOOOOOOOOOOAH… I just ran in on Sisyphus and Megaera. ‘We will be getting back to how things used to be”. DID SHE DUMP ME FOR SISYPHUS?
• LOOOOOOOOOOL WE KILLED SKELLY and he revived like it was nothing, pure gold
• This game is so awesome man. It’s like a fantasy version of my perfect rogue lite and it EXISTS
• LMAO Skelly lying to us about his origin Schelemeus… this freaking dude man…
• Biggest Game Design Criticsm - Getting close to 50 hours in, the game needs alternative areas/routes aside from Asphodel/Elysium… felt it especially when comparing to Dead Cells
• I’m so chuffed! I beat Charon a 2nd time after talking to Hermes about beating him two times in a row, awesome! Bow was clutch
• Is Asterius actually going to betray Theseus at one point? Cuz that would be awesome and HILARIOUS
• Ooof… Poseidon saying Artemis needs to smile more to find a mate. Lmao
• The slow decline of Theseus/Asterius bond has been hilarious. All cuz of Theseus

 

[Copanele 15,019]

Holy damn this was an adventure to read  

Congrats for completing one of the best games out there  Preeeetty much agreeing with everything you wrote there, this game really deserved all of its praise and accolades. Few games make you feel part of the world like Hades did.

 

And yes, Dusa was one of the best NPCs out there. That voice actress did a fantastic job!

Actually....every single voice actor did an exemplary job in this game. I never truly got the idea of ASMR until I listened to Megaera speaking  

[YaManSmevz 2,327]

Man.

 

This, Doc's review of Life Is Strange, and Vice's write-up of The Last of Us really took the word "spoilers" and turned it into such a gargantuan cockblock for me. This review looks so good!!

 

In case I haven't told you before, I'm such a huge fan of the level of enthusiasm you bring to your writing, especially when it's a game that's mercilessly stolen your heart. I fuck with all of this, and Hades is officially on the wishlist (if only so I can read this in its entirety)!

 

Great work as always homie👊

[realm722 1,329]

6 hours ago, Copanele said:

Holy damn this was an adventure to read  

Congrats for completing one of the best games out there  Preeeetty much agreeing with everything you wrote there, this game really deserved all of its praise and accolades. Few games make you feel part of the world like Hades did.

 

Thanks man!  I did not forget my promise to read your review the second I finished typing up mine and I somehow thought I was the only one who loved this game as much as I did. You scored it higher than me lmao! I was VERY curious to see how you felt about the Greek mythology aspects as I know in other reviews I've read of yours you've been very critical of developers getting things wrong. To see that you respect the devs for doing their homework and nailing how they should be portrayed was music to my ears. I honestly don't know anything about that stuff outside of what games I've played have dabbled in with it. The that you and I were BOTH able to appreciate it speaks volumes of the work done by Supergiant. I also found it funny how Elysium was also your least favorite region. It was for me as well despite it probably having my favorite visuals. I'm telling you man, 90% of my dissatisfaction comes from those damn shield enemies you can't do damage from anywhere but behind them lol 

 

5 hours ago, YaManSmevz said:

In case I haven't told you before, I'm such a huge fan of the level of enthusiasm you bring to your writing, especially when it's a game that's mercilessly stolen your heart. I fuck with all of this, and Hades is officially on the wishlist (if only so I can read this in its entirety)! Great work as always homie

 

Awww thanks Smev 😁 This is probably one of my favorite compliments I've ever been given. Sometimes I read other people's reviews of games (not on this site, just in general) and they'll sound so... negative. It's not even a bad game or one they're purposefully lambasting. But it sounds like they don't even enjoy playing games? I feel like you can always offer some cheeky criticism even on games you enjoy and that'll let the reader know you enjoyed your time with it. I'll be looking forward to your Hades review and I hope it can live up to the heights set by my past recommendations! 

[realm722 1,329]

Game: FIFA 22

 

Analysis: I did not buy FIFA 22, but instead got it for free as part of the PS+ package of games for the month of May 2022. I'm going to state from the outset this is going to be radically different from any prior review I've ever done. Sports games are somehow simultaneously the easiest and hardest to write for me given my familiarity with them and I wanted to put a unique twist on this one essentially documenting my journey to the platinum. If it works, awesome! If it doesn't, I'll never do this again lmao

 

Why FIFA 22? As I've mentioned in many prior posts, I used to be a sports-only exclusive baby gamer. I'd play every latest iteration of Madden, FIFA, NBA2k, MLB The Show, etc.. Eventually, the cynicism of the sports gaming landscape got to me as the obsession with Ultimate Team being a cash cow led to the abandonment of caring for the franchise modes in these games, my personal favorite mode. I absolutely loved the sensation of being a general manager, turning around a stagnant franchise, and bringing it back to prominence with smart trades and savvy drafting. One of the better franchise modes found amongst these was in FIFA with Manager Mode. (Not quite on par with NBA2k, better than Madden, about equally as good as MLB The Show). I'll never forget taking over Swansea City back in FIFA 16 and turning them into a perennial Premier League contender. Here's my old Operation Sports Dynasty Thread from 2015 / 2016. DO NOT READ IT. I FORBID IT. I cannot imagine what unbearably cringy stuff I wrote back then. I am merely linking it for posterity. Despite it being 5+ years old, I remember the local legends of Gylfi Sigurdsson (who has aged very poorly) and my signing of Breel Embolo who became our superstar striker. Hell, I upset France as Switzerland over 5 years before it bloody happened! Why do I make mention of all these memories from so long ago? Well...

FIFA is basically my video game version of crack cocaine

 

I get addicted. I think about it when I'm not playing. I dream of it. I have gone cold turkey on all other sports games and by and large have not missed them. MLB The Show is typically a good time, but I don't quite reach that same level of obsession. Madden is whatever and I largely just play it nowadays for $5 via EA Play so I can scope up an easy ultra-rare platinum. But FIFA? To give y'all any idea - FIFA 20 was the last time I had dabbled in the genre. I paid $80 for it when it released and the extra $20 was just to play the game 3 days early. To this day, it's the most money I've ever spent on a video game. I snorted that game like it was going out of style. In an absurd and bizarre fixation, I wanted to crack the Top 50 First Achievers leaderboard. This is despite the fact those leaderboards are crooked. Very often, people will have the game 1-2 weeks before 99% of players and attain it before everyone else has a chance. I didn't care. I wanted this. Screw a platinum guide. I've been playing these games for a decade. I knew the ins and outs. and whaddya know? I did it. To this day, I am the 11th first achiever on the leaderboards. Hell, I'm the 8th fastest in the game at 1 week and 4 days! That is despite the fact the EA Servers entirely screwed me over and I lost 1 1/2 days of progress completely out of my control. I spammed Division Rivals, did that awful 90 OVR Volta trophy, and even disconnected my way to 200 appearances at a lightning-fast pace. But in this process, something had broken within me. I couldn't do this again... at least not quite for some time. So what did I decide to do? I swore off FIFA 21. Did not play it. Did not watch my favorite FIFA YouTuber (Nepenthez). I did a full FIFA detox. The gaming year came and went without me breaking. I had broken the curse. It was the first FIFA I did not touch since FIFA 10. I planned to do the same in FIFA 22. I did not want to get sucked into that classic FIFA craze. The game was released in September and I held out. 2021 went by. I wasn't going to break... and then.... they made the game available for free for all PS+ Users. Imagine dumping a fresh crate of Colombian booger sugar on a recovering junkie's doorstep. What did you think was gonna happen? So here we go!

 

Trying To Make The Rarest Trophy My First Trophy Earned - Because I'm a psychopath, I decided to try and make the rarest trophy in the game the very first one I unlocked. How would this be possible? In Ultimate Team, after I built up my team to a reasonably decent gold squad, I tried for "Be My Guest" which requires you to win an online co-op friendly mode match with a random player. Why is that so rare? I'm so glad you asked. 1) No one on FIFA plays friendlies. 2) This cannot be boosted in the typical sense. This needs to be a random you pair up with, not someone on your friends list. 3) EA Servers are based in a Cambodian dumpster. 4) Winning with a complete stranger against an opposing player by himself is VERY challenging. All of these factors combined made for a miserable experience. But most of all because of factor #3. Before continuing reading - how long do you think I spent searching to find 3 matches in this game mode with these parameters? Take a guess. Seriously. 20 minutes? An hour? 2 hours? TRY 7 GODDAMN AGONIZING HOURS. I could not for the life of me find a match. Do you know why? Because whenever I would randomly find a partner, if they decided to back out, I'd get a "The other player has left the session" pop-up message and be forced to search again. Do you know what this led me to? I became a freak. As SOON as I got paired up with someone, I would click the PS5 home button to see who they were, and INSTANTLY message them - "Hey!" "Yo!" or "Hola!" and then say something overly friendly like - "I think you're my co-op partner, hope we find a match soon!". I did this to try and bait them into a friendship. I wanted to get them invested in me, as a person, and not quit out over the long wait time. I did this 13 times. It worked 2 times. The first time was with a man named "Rokkuem". He responded in Spanish. I speak Spanish! Perfect! We miraculously found a match, entered, went down 0-1, but tied it at 1-1 just before halftime. No biggie! I send him a little pep talk message at halftime and said we got this!

 

We did not have this.

 

We lost 4-1 in the 2nd half as the other dude was playing by himself and didn't have to deal with the painful chemistry issues. Yes, why was the other dude playing by himself? Because I discovered EA designed it so if co-ops in friendlies can't find another co-op team, they just play a random friendly dude in classic match. Wonderful. What a disadvantage. I told the other guy not to sweat the loss. Do you know what he did? He became OBSESSED with me. He sent me a billion FIFA invites to play again. Several over the course of a week whenever I was logged on. I, shamefully... ignored them. I didn't want to be mean. He wasn't going to be good enough for us to win and get the trophy. But I was the nutcase that messaged him in the first place. Call it Fatal Attraction: FIFA Edition. I umm... blocked him a week later. I know. It's shameless. Here I am whoring myself out to the entire FIFA player base, no one will take my call, and the one who did, I ignored him since he wasn't good enough. Don't do drugs, kids. The 2nd match (which took a full hour to find) led to me connecting with a player named "piritoledo". He was ALSO Spanish. Mexican. We entered the match. We were down 0-3 by the 20th minute and I forfeited the match. The dude was horrific. He pulled ALL of his defenders out of position. I thankfully did not need to block him and we went our separate ways amicably. Unfortunately, the cosmic forces that be PUNISHED me for my poor treatment of these individuals. I went to bed that night disappointed I couldn't get the trophy done. The next day, I spent 4 CONSECUTIVE HOURS searching without finding a match. I kept getting paired up with a user named "barranquilla" who I can only presume is Colombian. 5 times we paired up. 0 times we found a match and the servers forced us to search again. I was at my breaking point. If I didn't find a match within the next 2 hours, I'd swear off FIFA 22 and delete it from my console, abandoning any pursuit of the platinum. I was dead serious. I was not going to waste my life searching away endlessly for EA's FUBAR Servers to find me a match. Then... it happened.

 

I got paired up with a man by the name of "PAZ-OSCAR". I did NOT message him. After those first two friendly Spanish gentlemen, I feared my overt friendliness was scaring people off. Multiple disconnected instantly AFTER I sent the initial greeting. I don't blame them. Imagine loading into a match and some lunatic instantly messages you trying to establish some form of communication. I would have blocked myself. Anyways, this dude, PAZ-OSCAR, ended up being the one. I loaded into a match with him. We were playing a man by the name of "Top_Shagger519". Brilliant username. It was a 2 v. 1. We went down early in the 20th minute down 0-1. I held the faith. PAZ-OSCAR was a solid player. In the 40th minute, just before halftime, I was able to go down his goal line and sweat it across to my waiting partner to knot things up. The rest of the match was a slogfest of lost possession and missed opportunities by both sides. In the 80th minute, I broke free down the top right-wing and got into his penalty box. He fouled me with his left center back. PENALTY! IT WAS THE 81ST MINUTE! This would essentially decide the match. The game, for whatever reason, decided to give my partner, PAZ-OSCAR, the responsibility of taking the all-deciding pen. I was dying inside. Was he going to pull a Bruno Alves and lose me the match in devastating fashion? OR was he going to send me to pure ecstasy? He steps up... laces it.... TOP BINS IN THE TOP RIGHT CORNER! A PERFECT PEN! 2-1! 2-1! The last 10 minutes were the most shameful example of time-wasting I've ever committed in a game of FIFA and I felt so filthy I needed to take a shower afterward. it didn't matter. I HAD EARNED THE TROPHY! HERE'S A VIDEO AS PROOF AND THE FINAL MINUTE TO CONFIRM IT! I sent him an all-caps response "YOU ARE A LEGEND MATE THANK YOU!!!". He did not respond. My hell was over, I was now committed to the FIFA 22 platinum, but at least I had gotten past the worst part of it. 

Alexis Sanchez hoisting the trophies for the 2016 Copa América Centenario & Golden Ball Award after defeating Argentina in the final, 0-0 (4-2 on penalties). I hope Chile bounces back to this level of form soon!

 

Remaining Online Trophies for FIFA 22 - Given the house of horrors that was that one specific trophy, I immediately decided to make a gaming session on this website in order to find other players who had also gotten the game for free this month and wanted to help each other out. Thirteen hundreds of people poured in. Within the day of me posting that, I received a message while playing Squad Battles from a guy by the name of @NetoStyle. He had already had someone queuing up with him in order to earn the two necessary Pro Clubs trophies. I joined and we briefly messaged back and forth as we tried to find an opposing club for the match. He also started a party with the other dude, @ApeTheGreatApe for ease of communication. I ain't gonna lie... I was mad hesitant to join. Why? Because I am petrified of running into trophy goblins. What are trophy goblins you ask? Basically, it's a term I've used to coin people who are even more sociopathic than me when it comes to earning trophies. These people are monsters wearing human skin. They will berate you if your skill level is costing the group an opportunity to earn a trophy. They communicate via shouted orders and grunts of misery when anything isn't going their way. I avoid these people like the plague. I don't care about earning trophies that much to be berated online by a stranger. But... I joined the party, and to my pleasant surprise, these dudes were freaking awesome!

 

Despite our initial woes of losing our first two matches, everyone was positive and upbeat. In Pro Clubs, you can either choose to play a specific position (typically an attacking player) or "Any" which will allow you to control all players that are not controlled by humans. It's typically preferred that at least one player assumes this responsibility as relying on the CPU to get players the ball is less than ideal. I assumed the "Any" role because... well I don't know why. Nobody else decided to? I wasn't playing very well, but the two dudes were absolutely cool about it. Eventually, a 4th player by the name of Legend_King_5 messaged me and asked if we could go for "Friends for Life". I told him not at the moment since we were focusing on Pro Clubs but he needed those trophies too and decided to join us. What we did was I created my own separate club from that of Neto/Ape and that way we were able to pair up, play a cup match(which NOBODY plays) and also win a league match which can be surprisingly difficult given the number of sweaty players with exotic blonde beards and 99 OVR stats. "Our Club, Our Rules" and "Dream Debut" was officially in the books for all of us. Despite that marking the end of the session for two of the dudes, NetoStyle, despite not needing any other online trophies, stuck around and decided to help me earn "Teamwork works" in Volta as well as "Friends for Life". I can say with absolute certainty that he's one of the most wonderful dudes I've come across since venturing into this hobby. He's Chilean and we just had an awesome time chatting about football(mostly smack-talking cocky CONCACAF Mexican fans lmao, NFL, Formula 1, gamers who have rage problems, platinums in other games (Planet Coaster, Riders Republic, Mass Effect & Mafia trilogies) as well as travel in general. He's a fan of the racing genre and if you ever need any help with a game I HIGHLY recommend reaching out to him and seeing if he's down. Guys who are fans of racing games seem to be the coolest dudes in general since I haven't forgotten about the time @GhostRush37 helped me knock out a bunch of Burnout Paradise trophies and he's also huge on the genre. He also mentioned while we talked for a few hours that he recognized who I was because of my all-Miami sports team avatar. Not gonna lie, made me feel like I deserve a nomination on the Z-tier celebrity list. This trophy checklist is doing numbers!!! But seriously, one of the most awesome things about FIFA despite the hate for online trophies is creating social experiences like this one and I can fortunately say I loved it given the bunch I got to hang out with. 

 

Wrapping up "Friends for Life" & Volta Football - The only online trophy I had left to earn in FUT was "Friends for Life" and I was able to bang it out with @ratmond97 who also needed the very same trophy. It was easy crushing the CPU on Semi-Pro / Professional in Squad Battles. From there, I transitioned to grinding Volta. I expected it to be miserable... it was not! There are a variety of modes that EA has added to the mode since I last played and one of them is "Volta Arcade". As opposed to being a typical FIFA match with a small net and far fewer players, these are quirky game modes such as dodgeball, race-to-the-finish-hidden-map straight outta Fall Guys, and other unique mini-games. I LOVED my time with this. Seriously. I played it 5 times and finished in 1st place all 5 times since the opposing players were largely incompetent. It's 4-players per session and some of the matches are free-for-alls while others are 2 v. 2. It was shockingly fun how quickly the 4 rounds flew by and I honestly think it's hugely underrated given I had never seen it praised publicly on any of the forms before. Once I got to a high enough level, I grinded the remaining skill points I needed to unlock "Volta's best" and easily snagged "Full wardrobe" with ease given all the money I had stacked up. If you had told 2020's version of RealM722 that future RealM722 would ENJOY the Volta mode while trophy hunting, I would have been utterly stunned. But it's the truth. Good job EA, keep it up! 

Memphis Depay, club legend of "Bruh FC" was my leading goal scorer while playing Ultimate Team totaling 200 appearances and achieving 73 goals and 46 assists as well as 1 bicycle kick that came at the most opportune time

 

Playing Pro Clubs Drop-In Matches - With Volta all wrapped up, I decided to return to Pro Clubs but this time as an individual player only needing to play drop-in matches (randomly paired up online with other players) in order to level up my avatar and achieve the "Maestro" and "Tactical Mastermind" achievements. I've gotta say... this was ALSO surprisingly fun! Winning did not matter as you'll gain the necessary XP by merely playing enough matches. I just tried to do decently well as a striker and facilitate as a passer if I felt it was the right play since NO ONE passes online while playing solo. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it! The matches are quick and every now and then I paired myself up with a winger that was also willing to pass the ball and we ended up developing some chemistry. You can view my stats here as proof. 145 passes as a striker in 11 matches is quite generous in my mind! The 9 goals and 8 assists in 15 matches with an average rating 7.6 and 5 player of the match awards aren't too shabby either. Something I can appreciate about the trophy lists that EA creates year in and year out is they DO make players experiment with game modes they normally wouldn't try and Pro Clubs drop-ins is a perfect example of that. Without being a trophy hunter, I likely never would have bothered. 

 

Grinding Ultimate Team - But the fun times of playing different modes without a care in the world is over. It was time to turn up that FUT gear into overdrive. I needed to earn a lot of trophies. Some of them were quite simple while others required quite a bit of effort. "Design and Conquer" particularly stands out. You need to win a division rivals match while having 4 pitch trophies equipped. You unlock pitch trophies by completing stadium objectives. Most of these are very simple. But two of them "Assist a goal with a backheel flick" and "Score from a bicycle kick" proved a bit tricky. This requires the player to hit L2+X or L2+O in order to achieve the pass and shot. I thought I had earned it with Memphis Depay on this attempt but a scorpion goal does not register the objective. It took me a handful of matches, but I eventually earned it by cheesing it within the box as opposed to attempting any lengthier cross attempts. The same happened for the backheel. From there, I pressed onwards and managed to qualify for FUT Champions as I was absolutely demolishing other players in Division Rivals. It did not matter that they had their star-studded 90OVR+ rated squads that looked like a damn rainbow after the initial loading screen. I was dusting them with my 80OVR Victor Osimhen upfront and split Serie A / La Liga club in the basic as all hell 4-4-2 formation. With around 75 matches played in the mode, I took a brief break as I was getting a bit burnt out and decided to move on to some single-player trophies. 

 

Player / Manager Mode - I had seen on the trophy guide that "Maxed Out" in the Player Mode was a fair bit of a grind and decided to start chipping away at it before leaving it for the end. It's... fine. It's not the greatest trophy ever and probably should have been rounded down to Level 20 as opposed to Level 25, but it wasn't an abomination either. Basically, slap the game down to Beginner, set halves to 4 minutes, put yourself as a striker, pick your favorite club, and mindlessly complete objectives (largely scoring goals / assisting teammates) while demolishing the CPU before being asked to be subbed out within the first 15 minutes of the match. Rinse and Repeat x60. The only match I played in full was against Manchester City and I battered them 5-0 in the final. I watched many of The Rewatchables videos from The Ringer and they're a fun podcast if you wanna relive an old movie and want it to be overly dissected by a funny cast. After that, I switched over to Manager Mode. There were 3 simple trophies here. Be careful with "Newcomers" as if you create a club and set the expectations by the board too high, you can be fired at mid-season if your simming club loses too many matches and you won't earn the trophy. I had to start over a 2nd time because of it. Thankfully, the simulation is much faster on PS5 than it ever was on PS4 and you can get it done in around 15 minutes. 

Lorenzo Insigne, club legend of "Bruh FC" will most be remembered for doing nothing the first 45 minutes of every match and only playing to up his match appearances. Always subbed off for 91OVR Jeremie Frimpong and his 99 pace

 

Full List of Bruh FC Legends on FIFA 22

 

The Grind for 200 Appearances - Fully acknowledging that I did not care to waste time desperately pleading with someone to gift wrap me this trophy by playing a co-op match with them, I decided to do this myself. What did this entail? Well, since I had around 75 matches with Depay/Insigne since qualifying for FUT Champions, I decided to play the mode and quickly blast through the 20 matches before the event expired within the day. I played the first... 5-6 matches fairly. I went 3-3. I was quite chuffed about that since GOOD LORD the quality of player AND team in the mode absolutely obliterates that of Division Rivals. I was getting ass blasted. Imagine, I'm out here trying to make things work with 80OVR Osimhen upfront while jerks are out here trotting legend Henry, Pele, 95OVR+ Haaland, Ronaldo, Messi, etc... it was a complete farce. But I couldn't upgrade my team since 1) I didn't have the coins given how new I was and 2) I didn't wanna swap players who had built up a ton of appearances. I was stuck with the lot I was given. So I set myself a goal. If I go down 0-2 in a match, I automatically forfeited, earned the appearance, and kept it moving. I NEVER quit in FIFA Online. See the match through is ALWAYS my motto. But the goal had changed. This wasn't my addiction anymore. The aim was the platinum. I adjusted accordingly. All in all, I finished with 35/36 points just one shy of Rank 7 Awards. I quit A LOT of matches. I can't be too fussed with it given I really did feel like I didn't stand a chance in many matches against reasonably skilled players with god squads. At the end of this, I had 96 matches on Depay. Not even HALF the way to the necessary 200. Knowing what needed to be done, I took a brief rest and focused on the other trophies I had remaining. 

 

Miscellaneous Offline Trophies - Delaying the inevitable, I decided to wrap up all of the remaining offline trophies. These were nonsense such as completing all of the skill games or playing an international women's match. These are stupidly simple to complete with a 2nd controller as you can move a keeper out of position in order to complete a free kick or purposefully sabotage to easily earn a perfect penalty shootout. This took me less than an hour and while doing all the skill games provided some mild amusement, it was time to put this game to bed. 

 

The Grind for 200 Conclusion - How does one fit 100+ matches of FIFA in a day or so? By embracing all insanity. I booted up Squad Battles, played DJ Mario's Starting 11, and instantly forfeited the match every damn time for the most agonizing session of trophy grinding that I've done in recent time. What makes it so bad? Well, put simply, EA does NOT WANT you doing this. How do I know this? While your first 10 or so forfeits will come free, the game will eventually start booting you from the EA Servers as it presumes you're up to some nefarious deeds trying to coin glitch or something. I was not. I just want the bloody digital imaginary platinum dammit. This meant that EVERY time I forfeited a match from the 20th ish forfeit and onwards, I would be booted straight out of FUT, back to the Main Menu, have to log back into the servers, go over to Squad Battles, load up a match, and do it over, and over, and over, and over again. You can see why I left this for the last trophy. You can't even mindlessly do it as it requires a very specific set of button prompts that you can't gaze off and focus on whatever movie or podcast you'd prefer to be enjoying. This was painful. But I powered through. At around 190 matches, I decided to stop for the night. I did this because I feared if I did the full amount all the way up to 200, the game would glitch as it always booted me from the servers. This had a very negative consequence. You see, once you disconnect this much, EA refuses to believe you're a real account. They boot you after EVERY match. You can play a full Squad Battles match 100% fairly. You WILL be booted at the end and receive ZERO coins. You'll still get the appearance on your cards, but I didn't want to risk it. I waited a day. I came back. I played one match of Division Rivals. I was instantly kicked at its conclusion and received the loss + zero coins despite winning. I didn't panic. I waited another day. I came back, I played a full Division Rivals match.... AND I DIDN'T GET BOOTED! I believe you need to wait a full 24 hours for the servers to sort of reboot themselves with your account and believe you're no longer trying to break the system before continuing. I played out the final 8 matches I needed in Division Rivals, went 7-1 (not that I'm bragging or anything), got promoted to Division 4, and saw my platinum pop! I had earned the 3.49% rarity platinum in a rapid 1 week and 2 days, good enough to land 45th on the fastest achievers list!

 

Would I recommend FIFA 22? Only if you have prior experience with platinuming a FIFA. I both loved and despised my time with this game. I nearly didn't even bother going for it. I literally dedicated 3 paragraphs of this entire review to ONE specific online trophy which should be enough to speak for itself. Yet, after that, I loved the socialization and got to meet some fantastic people, enjoyed Volta & Pro Clubs drop-ins to bits, got to smurf my way up the Division Rivals Divisions given my hundreds of hours of FIFA experience and even got the bask in the unique features added to the career modes! Seriously, creating a club and being able to change players' positions is a DREAM and I have to give props to EA for improving the mode greatly in the years since I used to dedicate entire evenings to learning all of its systems. The downsides? The matchmaking and how slow/broken the menus can be. I had to dashboard to the PS5 home menu and close the game and reload it 20+ times during the course of my time due to the game randomly freezing on a loading screen. It happened across all the game modes. Volta score, Pro Clubs match settings, FUT, career mode, etc... The 200 appearances grind is also not for the faint of heart. Still, I enjoyed it more than I hated it. For all the hate it gets, there's a reason FIFA is one of the gaming giants out there and it will always have me twisted around its finger whenever I decide to immerse myself. Will I play FIFA 23? That depends... it'll be the last under EA with the FIFA branding given the cancellation of their partnership. Will EA Sports FC be the same? That's a problem for future RealM722. I've word vomited enough. Hope this bizarre journey was entertaining for at least someone and we'll be back to our regularly scheduled reviews going forward. Toodles!

 

Panda Score: 8.4 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 4.9 / 10 (the matchmaking and servers will be your hardest opponent)

Spoiler

FIFA 20:

Division Rivals:

• Beat User “momogato” by a score of 9-0, lad had all gold elite squad and got stomped lol
• Lost to user “BBC_fernankig54” by a score of 2-4, dude had bloody Ronaldo & TOTS players
• Lost to User “X-Drixzo” by a score of 2-3, Depay missed game-tying goal in 90th minute 1 on 1 vs keeper
• Beat User “Toedronaldo” by a score of 5-0, he had full gold all chem but I dominated 71% possession
• Beat User “Deija_vu_u” by a score of 6-1, Victor Osimehen with 5 goals!
• Beat User “ganador218feliz” by a score of 7-2, great team but horrible chem other dude
• Beat User “GrappleDeez” by a score of 3-1, awful team, likely new player
• Beat User “SHOWSEPH30” by a score of 3-0, fairly uncompetitive
• Beat User “AlejoF1009” by a score of 2-1, good, tight match all the way
• Beat User “ScOoPiTyPoOp185” by a score of 2-0, good competitive match
• Beat User “andylgs21” by a score of 9-2, fell behind 0-2 cuz he had Mbappe+Messi lol
• Beat User “chevy2g99” by a score of 4-1, he went up 1-0 and then got smoked
• Beat User “xrjaz23” by a score of 3-2, dude went up 2-0, I scored 3 straight, and he just stopped playing. What a baby lmao
• Beat User “And_guerrero004” by a score of 4-1, tried to go for bicycle goal vs him, didn’t get it
• Beat User “BNSGH0ST” by a score of 2-1, down 0-1 to the 70th then scored 2 quick ones. Dude had a 92OVR team lol
• Beat User “Hooker0009” by a score of 3-0, he quit at halftime, horrible pulling defenders out of position
• Beat User “GettaV8_Fr” by a score of 5-4, excellent match, dude had bad chem but damn solid player
• Lost to User “noob8894” by a score of 3-4, RIP streak, he was a good player fell behind 1-4, just ran outta time
• Beat User “Curandero-09-_-“ by a score of 3-0, good player, could’ve conceded 2-3 goals without Courtois beasting
• Beat Users “Mastrro2110 & Akian-92” by a score of 3-0, they were guests and forfeited by 23rd minute lol
• Beat User “Kelozn-“ by a score of 4-1, made me work for it to his credit
• Beat User “Paquiox” by a score of 4-0, dude could not finish to save his life. 3.0 expected goals, got 0
• Drew w/ User “brunoarnas” by a score of 1-1, dude was using moves I’ve never seen before lol
• Drew w/ User “OBAMA_UFO” by a score of 2-2, couldn’t finish to save my life 5.9 expected goals and scored those 2 in the 86th and 89th minutes
• Beat User “King_Tin69” by a score of 1-0, 4.7 goals to his 1.7 expected… think I’m just getting fatigued
• Beat User “J-Chinchilla” by a score of 7-5, up 4-1, he tied it 4-4, and dusted him in the 2nd half
• Beat User “Albetar” by a score of 3-0… how does that dude have an all icon team. Thierry Henry, etc.. just constant pressure and no product
• Ayyyy we qualified for FUT Champs and made it to Division 5! Pretty happy with my performance given even while these aren’t the best players, they had unreal teams
• Stopped recording last 10 games but went 9-1 down the stretch, one loss I went down a man in 10 minute, trailed 1-5, came back 5-5, lost in 88 min 5-6 overall
• Final Record: 31-2-4 in Division Rivals

 

[DrBloodmoney 18,043]

Absolutely stellar Hades write up m'dude - setting the gold standard!

 

enjoyed the entire thing, but I reckon my biggest takeaway wasn't actually about Hades, but rather was right here:

 

 

13 hours ago, realm722 said:

Do you know how parents will lie to you and say they don't have a favorite child? I'm here to vanquish that trope. These games ARE my children and I DO have a favorite. 

 

 

...if it belongs in that lofty, esteemed company... I really need to try Going Under! 😂

 

I have now added it to my Backlog Gremlin 2022 list with your name... 😝

 

[NetoStyle 496]

7 hours ago, realm722 said:

Game: FIFA 22

 

 

Hahaha what a journey!! You didn't tell me about sending messages to ur teammates before games in FUT Co-op Friendlies hahaha, or blocking the other guy spamming you with game invites haha that's some funny stuff man.

 

I'm glad you got the platinum, I really think the trophy list for this year was pretty solid, much easier and time consuming than previous years, the main problem for a trophy hunter perspective is the matchmaking system and the servers. If EA manages to get a similar trophy list for FIFA 23, then I'm all in for another FIFA platinum haha!

 

By the way, VOLTA was so fun this year man, I loved the game mode. Hope they keep up the good stuff!

 

Communication is key for team based games so I'm glad that creating a PS party was the right call. Like you said, everyone was positive and it was just a matter of time till we got our Pro Clubs trophies!

 

It's always a pleasure helping others so I'm happy that it worked out for all of us, and like I said that day, if u ever need help on any game that we both play/own, you just let me know and I'll help!

 

I laughed a lot while reading the post man, specially anything related to the FUT game mode, that damn game mode really brings the best and the worst out of most of us haha. Now that we both have the platinum trophy we can just laugh and joke about our time at the game.

 

Not all players/trophy hunters are capable of getting the plat of a sports game so it's always a great achievement to share! Peace out my man! 😎

[Copanele 15,019]

On 5/20/2022 at 10:43 AM, realm722 said:

 

Damn this has been ONE ENJOYABLE READ! You have a special talent when it comes to reviewing sports games  

Granted, I haven't played a FIFA game seriously since FIFA 2008 to be honest 😂 but damn, I love reading other people's thoughts about it.

That matchmaking though...that's EA's  finest. You'd think they would make better servers given how much money they suck from players with the microfootball transactions

[det_gittes 595]

On 20.05.2022 at 9:43 AM, realm722 said:

 

Thanks for this write-up, I had fun reading it even though my only memory of a FIFA game is that breath-taking (at the time) intro to FIFA '98 with Blur's Song 2 on max volume 😆

[Briste 1,980]

On 5/20/2022 at 3:43 AM, realm722 said:

Trying To Make The Rarest Trophy My First Trophy Earned - Because I'm a psychopath, I decided to try and make the rarest trophy in the game the very first one I unlocked. How would this be possible? In Ultimate Team, after I built up my team to a reasonably decent gold squad, I tried for "Be My Guest" which requires you to win an online co-op friendly mode match with a random player. Why is that so rare? I'm so glad you asked. 1) No one on FIFA plays friendlies. 2) This cannot be boosted in the typical sense. This needs to be a random you pair up with, not someone on your friends list. 3) EA Servers are based in a Cambodian dumpster. 4) Winning with a complete stranger against an opposing player by himself is VERY challenging. All of these factors combined made for a miserable experience. But most of all because of factor #3. Before continuing reading - how long do you think I spent searching to find 3 matches in this game mode with these parameters? Take a guess. Seriously. 20 minutes? An hour? 2 hours? TRY 7 GODDAMN AGONIZING HOURS. I could not for the life of me find a match. Do you know why? Because whenever I would randomly find a partner, if they decided to back out, I'd get a "The other player has left the session" pop-up message and be forced to search again. Do you know what this led me to? I became a freak. As SOON as I got paired up with someone, I would click the PS5 home button to see who they were, and INSTANTLY message them - "Hey!" "Yo!" or "Hola!" and then say something overly friendly like - "I think you're my co-op partner, hope we find a match soon!". I did this to try and bait them into a friendship. I wanted to get them invested in me, as a person, and not quit out over the long wait time. I did this 13 times. It worked 2 times. The first time was with a man named "Rokkuem". He responded in Spanish. I speak Spanish! Perfect! We miraculously found a match, entered, went down 0-1, but tied it at 1-1 just before halftime. No biggie! I send him a little pep talk message at halftime and said we got this!

 

I feel you here. I often will try for the hardest trophy first when possible as well. I feel like it makes the rest of the game more enjoyable once you have the hard stuff done. I'd rather go into a story/game knowing the terrible grind is done and end with a positive taste in my mouth than the other way around where I liked the game all the way until that last grind. I've had more than one game I've enjoyed playing take a hit in the end because of that post-game grind.

 

Considering my recent experience in COD MP, I lol'd pretty hard at your experience 😂 You take your life in your hands every time you try online MP, but similarly to you, I've found some really cool people in my MP travels. This is online MP in a nutshell:

 

 

[realm722 1,329]

Game: Doom 64

 

Analysis: I bought Doom 64 for $2.49 back in early March 2022 and had a pretty fun hour in the time it took me to earn the 100%!

 

Why Doom 64? You all should know the routine by now. Every sale, I scrounge in the corners of the trash pile unloaded by Sony filtering through digital deluxe exclusive editions of games I'll never play as well as about two thousand Warhammer & The Sims DLCs before eventually finding some incredibly cheap, short, 100%'s, that I think could be decent enough to make for an interesting 100% experience. Doom 64 caught my eye given the fact 1) Playing a Nintendo 64 exclusive that was originally released in 1997 on modern Playstation 5 hardware released in 2020 is precisely the sorta thing I'm into and 2) I haven't played a single FPS game apart from Superhot, why not play one of the founders of the genre? 

 

The experience itself is remarkably short. Due to the "password system", you are quickly able to load into very specific levels with the proper gear required in order to quickly attain all the trophies scattered about the game. The first of these involved gaining entry to the secret level "Hectic" which can be found in the first stage. You just start a new game and takedown every demon in the level before shooting the barrels in the required order. What jumped out to me right away was DAMN, you move quickly. The movement was super fun, though, it was a bit jarring not being able to jump or hell, even aim your reticle to fire at enemies on higher positioned areas but I quickly adjusted. After taking care of that, I moved on to the level-related trophies that can be easily attained thanks to the password system. The hardest of these was "Escape Artist" which requires you to finish the level on the "Watch Me Die" difficulty. HOLY CRAP. I seriously underestimated those two Cybderdemons at the end of the level. After dying 10+ times I reloaded and conserved the ammo for my big bad guns that I was wasting on prior enemies. I ended up finally blasting through them when I wasn't solely reliant on my piddly shotgun doing most of the damage. 

 

Would I recommend Doom 64? Sure! It's an extremely brief experience when using the password system but I had a fun time with it. All of the trophies are quite easy given the game gift wraps you the best weapons in the game with that loophole so even a complete novice could likely hold R2 long enough to take down any and all potential threats. Shoutout to the wonderful PSNProfiles guide by @griffin123456789. You know it's a great guide when you never have to look elsewhere for secondary information and the YouTube videos included at the bottom to visually demonstrate how to earn each trophy was a big help. Since I also know the Doom franchise has some diehards, may I also recommend Tim Rogers' delightful 3 1/2 dissection of the original 1993 game. It's brimming with intricate details of John Romero's level design to deeply personal anecdotes of being a "Doom poser" and a rough upbringing as a social outcast. Hell, you don't even have to like Doom to enjoy it! I ultimately earned the 16.87% rarity 100% completion in 1 hour and 4 minutes.

 

Panda Score: 6.6 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 1.7 / 10

On 5/20/2022 at 5:00 AM, DrBloodmoney said:

...if it belongs in that lofty, esteemed company... I really need to try Going Under!  I have now added it to my Backlog Gremlin 2022 list with your name... 

 

 I really hope you enjoy it half as much as I did Doc! Checking out your rankings, seeing Dead Cells (15th) and Hades (47th) means I've really placed it into some vaunted company. I don't know if this is contaminating the jury pool but if it lands Top 80 I'll feel like I won't have let you down 😄

 

On 5/21/2022 at 2:45 PM, Briste said:

I feel you here. I often will try for the hardest trophy first when possible as well. I feel like it makes the rest of the game more enjoyable once you have the hard stuff done. I'd rather go into a story/game knowing the terrible grind is done and end with a positive taste in my mouth than the other way around where I liked the game all the way until that last grind. I've had more than one game I've enjoyed playing take a hit in the end because of that post-game grind.

 

  Absolutely!!! I don't always make it a focal point if I know that it's something that has to be done towards the end of a game (such as cumulative kills) but if it's something challenging I can earn right out of the gate? 100%. Hell, your appreciation for the game can grow when you know you got the "annoying" portion out of the way and can enjoy all the other aspects. Plus, now that I think about it, I think my FIFA 22 experience could have ended far worse if I was having to wait 10+ hours to find matches after doing everything else compared to starting that way and having all the other fun experiences slowly drown it out. Def something I'll keep in mind when completing future games!

[realm722 1,329]

Game: Astro's Playroom

 

Analysis: I got Astro's Playroom for Free when my Playstation 5 arrived on September 29th, 2021. 

 

Why Astro's Playroom? Aside from the obvious fact that the game is free and literally comes built into the console, I had heard extremely good things about the game upon its release. I was skeptical. There has been some blowback against Playstation by some corners of the internet due to their abandonment of certain Sony IPs in favor of others. This could be seen most recently in the way that Japan Studio was shut down officially in 2021 and was reorganized to join Team Asobi, the creators behind this very game and "The Playroom" from the early PS4 days. I've seen some derision for the main Astro Bot protagonist for being antiseptic and overly bland compared to the beloved wacky mascots of yesteryear. All of these factors contributed to me entering the game with a slightly more negative perception than most. 

 

Happily, I can report I had a really good time with the game! Seriously! It was charming and delightful. The game is a platformer and though extremely straightforward, it does well as a foundational game to introduce new players to the mechanics of a video game console and is endearing enough to make it a pleasant experience for an experienced gamer enjoying their new hardware. Given the game's accessible design, I played without a guide and just enjoyed all 4 of the main hub worlds which take you through different environments representing a past Playstation console. Two of the levels in each world are controlling the base Astro Bot and platforming / fighting your way through some enemy combatants while the other two engage with a unique gimmick to show off the Playstation 5 consoles features. In the image above, you can see a ball underneath the PS5 controller as well as a spring-like figure to the left and a monkey on the far right. All 3 of these are playable and show off the use of the touchpad, adaptive triggers, and so forth. They're sweet, short, and last the perfect amount of time to offer an appropriate amount of complexity. My personal favorite of the four was GPU Jungle. 

 

After beating each world, you'll unlock a past console and find yourself in the Playstation Labo. This is where unlocking all of the artifacts from Sony's past and consoles will rest. Artifacts can be collected as they're mildly hidden in each hub world level and can range from memory cards back in the PS2 days to references to Sony IPs. You can also find 4 puzzle pieces per level which range from being obvious in plain sight to hidden off the beaten path. Given the ease to quickly teleport to reach level upon completion and the brevity of each level (lasting no more than 3-4 minutes), clean-up for collectibles in the game was a cakewalk. There'll also be numerous miscellaneous trophies in each level with none offering much trouble whatsoever. My one recommendation would be to ensure you're collecting plenty of coins as you play as there's a gacha machine in the PS Labo region that requires 100 coins to play. I had around 5k coins upon completion and needed to go collect another 1.5k while getting other trophies to unlock everything for all the necessary trophies. 

 

Would I recommend Astro's Playroom? Absolutely! I understand completely why Sony decided to reorganize some of their studios in order to give Team Asobi more help given how well they pulled off the assignment of making a lovely, enjoyable opening game for new audiences to Playstation 5. Hell, they were generous enough to add some additional content free of charge which features a two-phase boss fight against a dinosaur and a speedrun mode which I managed to earn 6 minutes and 11 seconds(total time). I ended up ranking 3rd on my friends' list. Pretty happy with that if I'm honest. Even if you don't care much for platformers, I think the charm and brevity of the experience should make just about everyone who owns a PS5 want to dabble in it eventually. I ultimately earned the 54.34% rarity platinum in 1 day and 22 hours. 

 

Panda Score: 7.5 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 1.8 / 10

[realm722 1,329]

Game: My Time at Portia

 

Analysis: I bought My Time at Portia for $7.49 back in late December 2021. I said at the beginning of my FIFA 22 review that it would be unlike any I've written myself. In that statement, I inferred it would be the exception. I lied. This freaking game has given me so many conflicting thoughts from being absolutely miserable to being genuinely impressed with some of the feats the developers pulled off. Blame @Cassylvania for the word salad. They gave me the extra push I needed to finally dive in and I've finally come back to the surface gasping for air 40 hours later.

 

Why My Time at Portia? Long before variety gaming during the PS4/5 era, and even further before my strict sports games only goblin days, my first love for video games was found in the form of "farm/town/life" simulation games. I wrote a post on here over 2 years ago (oh god) that dabbled a little bit into that history. Harvest Moon: Magical Melody may very well be my favorite game of All-Time. I think about it once a week. I'm fully convinced that if I replayed it, it'd still hold up. Viva Piñata reigned supreme during my Xbox 360 days and I wish by some miracle that it could receive a revival on all platforms. In modern times, Stardew Valley captivated my heart in 2018 as it did so many others and for a while reigned as my #2 favorite game of the current-gen Playstation era. I wrote a post over 4 years ago on the Harvest Moon subreddit asking for some help to rekindle this old flame. 3 years ago, I blasted out a bunch of ideas I had for an utterly gargantuan "full-life" Harvest Moon game that covers aspects from growing up single, finding love, raising family, and setting up passing control of the farm to your young ones. In the process of reading that post, I came up with more ideas. What if once you're married, the remaining bachelors/bachelorettes paired each other off and set up their own families? What if there were random effect chances that could lead to the sudden death over the years of certain town characters, even if they're essential to the plot/general narrative? What if there were random natural disasters that could ruin your town and force you to help rebuild once you've seemingly accomplished all there is to do? What if your actions had huge scoping consequences and you would be judged at the end of your life for how you treated others? As you can see, my mind starts racing when I think of games such as these. One day, there will be "The Harvest Moon to end all Harvest Moon" games. Stardew Valley was brilliant. It still isn't it. I can't wait for that game to arrive. I hope I'm around to play it. In the meantime, we'll settle for what we've got available to us. Hence, let's talk about My Time at Portia. 

 

My Prejudice For This Game Before Playing - I'll come right out with it. The reason I disliked and held off on playing this game for as long as it did is because I visually detest it. It looks as plastic as a Manchester City supporter post-2018. The villagers themselves are the worst offenders. I could forgive some poor house or ground textures but LOOK AT THEIR NECKS. I've taken several digs at this "plastic" look in past posts. As earlier as Nov. 2020 in the Rogue Legacy section to the very end of my Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life review and as recently as Aug. 2021 with my Armikrog critique. I understand how completely subjective this is. Your tastes may differ greatly from mine. I have no doubt some people even love this style. I was not one of them. Despite this impediment, I pressed on with finally playing it since 1) Had that farming sim itch and 2) I've enjoyed games despite their visuals plenty of times. I found Slay the Spire to be fairly offputting but was completely won over by its mechanical complexity and depth. Portia would have an uphill battle, but I could be won over. Aside from the visuals, I had also heard some negative things about the game regarding the developers but as it had been years.. I had forgotten what it was about and just had a generally negative sentiment. After some googling, think I found the reddit post that gave me those vibes and also the core issue which was the studio having some controversy over not paying the voice acting talent. Do with that what you will.

 

My Hatred For This Game AFTER Playing For 15 Hours - I did not realize this before playing but My Time at Portia is the very first "farm/life/town" simulation game that has voice acting. All prior games (HM:MM, HM:AWL, HM:StH, Spirtifarer, Stardew. Graveyard, Slime Rancher, Viva Piñata 1 & 2) did not. and WOW, I understand why they didn't. I hated the way the characters sounded early on. I soon had the sinking realization that "wow... I dislike how this game looks and I don't even like how these characters sound". I decided to start skipping through dialogue far quicker than I normally would in these types of games. It was down to gameplay to save the day for me. My first area of focus was the trophy "City Transporter" as it's pretty much only one of two missable trophies in the entire game. As I quickly tried to get things up and running on my humble abode, my frustration mounted. You need to gather everything man. This should be obvious. It's a frigging farm sim. But I think I under-estimated the grindiness of it all. You obviously need to go to the mines to get stone, copper, and bronze cooked up right away. But also don't forget to cut down a bunch of trees as that's your sole use of fuel to smelt ores with. Meanwhile, you also need to juggle completing commissions, find a way to STORE all these resources with a juggling set of chests that makes inventory management a nightmare, and all the while, I had zero inherit motivation apart from the trophies as I did not care about a single character in this village. We had reached rock bottom. I legitimately coined the term - "The Most Soulless Harvest Moon-Esque Game I've Ever Played" for My Time at Portia. It was time to change my approach. 

 

Turning My Time at Portia Into a Scientific Equation - I knew that if I ever got fed up with the game, I had an ace up my sleeve. You see, My TIme at Portia comes with an item duplication glitch. Yes, you can duplicate items in your inventory from the tens into the hundreds, and the hundreds into the thousands. I broke the emergency glass and abused the ever-living hell out of that bug. I'll describe a little bit further down what I recommend YOU do if you're trying to obtain the platinum as quickly as possible. The point is, I managed to shatter the gameplay loop by making my character, Linda (I chose a girl cuz... girls are cool), into an all-seeing mega lord of the industrial complex. Oh, McDonald, you need 10 wooden boards? I'm already handing them over to you before you can finish your sentence. Oh, Albert, you need me to go talk to Petra to get a blueprint for a water wheel? Too bad I ALREADY have all the materials I need to construct it and will have it ready within nanoseconds of having the blueprint delivered. I was an unstoppable menace. Single-handedly I solved every single villager's problems before they even knew what they needed help with. I was breaking the game in my favor and for as much as the game kept throwing at me, I always had a response with my infinite cash flow and limitless resources. I conquered. Higgins wept.

 

Portia is the ultimate example of Mechanics vs. Polish. Can you stomach great mechanics for some lackluster polish? Is the game showing Gust marrying himself to me an introspective analysis of the game's soul searching?

 

Signs of a Soul (or the softening of my loathing) - (SPOILERS FOR THIS SECTION, I'M SORRY) In the process of being an all-seeing overlord of this little quaint town, I become to notice signs of... life. While initially disengaging completely with any notion of ever-growing fond of these characters, the more I spent time around them completing their commissions, giving them gifts, and just generally being around their presence... my stance softened. What first blew me is WOW, this game has some amazing festivals. Genuinely some of the best I've ever seen in a game of this ilk. "Day of the Bright Sun" on Spring 19 has you box out opposing villagers like you're Tristan Thompson for presents and gifts raining down from above. There's a Martial Arts Tournament in Summer where you can predict who you think will win and literally beat up other villagers in pursuit of the crown. This doesn't even include the typical fishing tournament, fall festival for crops, etc.. events. Apart from that, some of the side missions legitimately impressed me! One that stands out is Paulie (manly man vendor) counseling two quarreling school kids about real manliness is owning up to your mistakes and apologizing to one another than being stubborn. I love how each of the villagers has their own unique routine and it'll change depending on the day and time of year. One moment that really got me is when I started to pursue a romantic interest in Gust, in the Wintertime, he'll hang out by his mother's grave. You can go to him, choose to stand silently next to him, and the game will reward you for doing so. That's such a subtle, beautiful moment. Hell, once I got married to him, other townsfolk who were prime bachelors/bachelorettes started pairing each other off!! I've always wanted Harvest Moon games to do that! Arlo sought me out looking for some advice as he's focused on his career but the missionary girl who helps out at the Church, Nora, confessed to him that she had feelings for him. Your response can dictate whether that'll be pursued or drop. Albert, Gust's friend, asked me to tell Sonia (waitress at the local restaurant) to meet her by the beach to marry him. I told her to do so. SHE REJECTED HIM AT THE BEACH LMAOOOO. The fact the game actually did that had me in stitches. All of these small elements had a cumulative effect over time. I started to... care about these characters. Damn. 

 

Of course, for every one of these lovely elements that I found, there was always something around the corner to drag me right back down to reality. I strongly dislike the jump animation in this game. I understand how petty that sounds. But it feels so video-gamey and like they took the stock animation from a community Unity asset project. Certain things will start to glitch out if you play too long. Some quests for whatever reason weren't progressing (planter boxes with Emily, photos with Mei and the Camera) and I kept googling why. The worst of these is during the final battles, whenever I died, I respawned with half my health and half my stamina. Thank goodness I stockpiled an absurd amount of food as otherwise I would have had to restart and lose 30-40 minutes of progress. The solution is to just dashboard out and close the game, boot it back up, and things should be working properly. Some of the later zones feel wholeheartedly useless as there are only 1-2 resources and the game just needed to put a progression block as opposed to making you feel like you truly unlocked something great. I still dislike the animation and this is exposed worst of all in the cutscenes which are supposed to be the holy grail in these games. I remember getting super excited when you got a knock on your door from a villager in Magical melody or had that slow intro from fading to black in Stardew when you were about to get some lore on a character. My Time at Portia feels like it's damn near breaking when trying to load in its cutscenes. But for as negative as this paragraph has been, there are still details that impress me. Building up South Block feels legitimately satisfying as a barren desert becomes the beginnings of a bustling town. The factory unlock at the end is game-changing and solves all the crafting micromanagement complaints I could have possibly levied. The combat isn't amazing, but serviceable, and the decision to add a dodge button was delightful(damn you Dragon Quest Builders 2 you should have stolen it off of them) The point of these two paragraphs is to convey that the more time I spent with the game, I found more things to like than to dislike whereas, at the beginning, this game was destined for the hell of Dragon Quest Heroes 1 or dare I say, The Last Guardian.

 

RealM722 Gives You 5 Tips to Get the Trophies as Fast as Possible - If you're anything like me who digs this sort of genre, maybe you're willing to test it out - but aren't 100% willing to commit to the absurd 100+ hour runtime asking if you play the game normally without any shenanigans. Well, today's your lucky day! I'm here to teach you how to become the demigod of Portia and resolve everyone's problems before they even know they're gonna occur! 

 

My Final Items + Skill Tree + Relationships At Time of Platinum

 

1)  The #1 most essential item to duplicate is Data Discs. DO IT. You obtain them starting out from mining in the abandoned ruins. Once you get up to 200, go to a shop and do the duplication glitch. Save them. For me, sometimes the method in the video worked. Sometimes it didn't. So what I'd do is I'd close the game, reopen it, and the items would be properly duplicated. Do this and get several stacks of 999 discs. ALWAYS keep one in your inventory. The amazing thing about this item is EVERY shop buys it which means you can sell EVERY DAY as every shopowner in Portia is a secret gazillionaire who ALWAYS restocks their money to full the very next day. Soon, you'll rake in so much you won't even need to sell anymore. You can get the "Real Estate Tycoon" trophy in a jiffy is money is no obstacle for you anymore. This item is also super handy as you should ALWAYS talk to Petra at the research center and turn in discs until you have all blueprints unlocked. Hell, even after that, the main story will always ask you to go talk to her so it's extra convenient just to make data disc duplication your money maker. 

 

2) Use THIS guide. While the PSNProfiles guide is good for giving a cursory glance, the True Achievements guide has a step-by-step preview of every story mission and what resources you'll need. This means you can create chests with all the resources you'll need for several missions down the line and be able to complete them the second they arrive as opposed to scrambling to craft all the materials once you get the official mission. Keep an eye to duplicate certain items that are quite rare. I did this with a lot of relics or expensive to craft items later on (valves, steel frames, steel shells) as it saved me from wasting time going back to the mines. The great thing about duplication is it creates a snowball effect. You may only have 2 to start, but if you can balloon it to 8, sleep, come back the next day, ballooning it into 32 only becomes easier, and so forth. I spent very little time wasted actually gathering materials once I had a small amount thanks to this trick. 

 

3) You MUST make giving gifts to Phyllis, Gust, & Pinky a priority early. I'll tell you what I did. Days before the fishing tournament, make sure you have A LOT of caterpillars and a fishing rod. Once that day comes, go and fish to your heart's content. If you're halfway decent, you'll gain 1st or 2nd with ease. The reward for winning varies but you should get 15x Bacon Fish Roll as one of the rewards. DUPLICATE IT into the 200s. You should also have fished up a fair number of catfish. Duplicate that into the 200s. You'll give the bacon fish to Gust for the rest of the game and the catfish to Pinky. This will suffice for the remainder of your playthrough. As for Phyllis, gift her talismans as she gets +10s from them and they're super easy to make. I personally romanced Phyllis first and stopped gifting anything to Gust to fear not complicating the trophy. Once I built her hospital, I broke up with her on the spot and started dating Gust. Pinky only needs 2 hearts of affection so it shouldn't take long at all to adopt her. As for Gust, if you're worried the final mission for his proposal isn't triggering, don't sweat it. Usually takes 1 week even if you have him at 10 hearts. 

 

4) Carry lots of food for the final endgame missions. Combat takes the focal point near the end of the game. I had some things bug out on me so I recommend with your infinite wealth buying a number of Dr. Xu's items everyday just o have a bounty of +120 and +300 health items. Royal honey for stamina or meals you've collected across the game are also helpful.

 

5) Always. Craft. SOMETHING. It does not matter if you don't need it at the time or it doesn't seem relevant in one of the future story missions. You should always be at the commission's guild at 8AM to accept a commission and immediately deliver the product to the villager. This is because getting the S Rank or 17,500 cumulative points takes A WHILE even if you do one every day like I did after Spring 20 of Year 1 or so. If the petition is doable, DO IT. Especially take advantage of +360 rep points opportunities for building items on the assembly station. Craft linen rugs, large pipes, etc.. aplenty. All of these will be useful at some point or another and better to have them ready than be lazy with it. 

 

Would I recommend My Time at Portia? Only if you are a farm/life/town simulation crack addict. All of these opinions flowed out of me while writing this and somehow it only took me an hour to do so. I am ridiculous opinionated when it comes to games of this type and I acknowledge that they're far from being palatable to the gaming masses. But I've absolutely gone on quite a journey with it. I went from disliking the game before even playing it, to hating it, to slowly seeing some of its cooler elements, and now what I honestly want is for a future game developer to be inspired by so many of its elements and just beautify it in every way. The developers, Pathea Games, are actually making a sequel called My Time at Sandrock which already looks 100x more beautiful than Portia. It just came out in Early Access and I don't touch non-fully released games but it'll be one I keep an eye on. I have no doubt for some other players who didn't mind the art style or voice acting, this game is in their 9.0 tier and one of their favorites of All-Time. There's a lot to like. Sadly, my preferences prevented me from doing so. It won't come close to the heights of the others but some of the core elements here are really special and I hope one day, someone can combine the best elements of all these games to make one of my favorites for All-Time. I ultimately earned the 10.46% rarity platinum in 1 day and 1 week. 

 

Panda Score: 6.88 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 3.3 / 10

Edited May 31 by realm722

[Cassylvania 5,050]

I legitimately forgot Portia had voice acting... Shows you how quickly I muted the game.

 

Yeah, I should have mentioned how critical the duplication glitch is to enjoying the game/making the platinum much more manageable. If you ever do Graveyard Keeper, it's the same thing with the zombie DLC. Do NOT attempt the platinum without it. (You probably don't need it early on.)

 

Portia's graphics are definitely an acquired taste. I can see how the plastic look would be off-putting. I was just happy it was in 3D and looked nothing like Harvest Moon: One World, which looks truly soulless.

 

You really cranked out that platinum. Even with the glitch, that game took me like five months.

 

Sakuna is much better.

[realm722 1,329]

6 hours ago, Cassylvania said:

I legitimately forgot Portia had voice acting... Shows you how quickly I muted the game.

 

Funny thing is, I intended to mute the game too for long stretches and I don't mind playing a lot of games that way, but for whatever reason, the very focused demand of the game for resources kept me from putting on a movie or podcast in the background for long stretches. 

 

6 hours ago, Cassylvania said:

Yeah, I should have mentioned how critical the duplication glitch is to enjoying the game/making the platinum much more manageable. If you ever do Graveyard Keeper, it's the same thing with the zombie DLC. Do NOT attempt the platinum without it. (You probably don't need it early on.)

 

I also forgot to type this in the review but RENT THE HORSE FROM MCDONALD after you fix his shed is also huge for life improvement and to make the game more managable once things really open up. 500 gols is nothing compared to faster move speed for a full week and I neglected it for far too long. As for Graveyard Keeper, yup 100% agree lmao. I platted it back in Nov. 2020 but will have to revisit it eventually if the DLCs ever go on sale to wrap up a full 100% completion. 

 

6 hours ago, Cassylvania said:

Portia's graphics are definitely an acquired taste. I can see how the plastic look would be off-putting. I was just happy it was in 3D and looked nothing like Harvest Moon: One World, which looks truly soulless. You really cranked out that platinum. Even with the glitch, that game took me like five months. Sakuna is much better.

 

There is something really bizarre happening with the farm/life/town sim genre which is... so many of these games are hideous. How can Natsume genuinely think THIS is acceptable? Looks like a mobile game from 2011. I've been recommended Rune Factory A LOT but man... it just looks rough and like it's still living on the Nintendo DS days. There's a market for a jaw-dropping dev with true artistic talent (Supergiant Games baby!!!) to make one of this ilk and just rake in the millions that Stardew surged on a few years ago. As for blazing thru the plat, yea lmao. I honestly thought I had a chance to crack the Top 50 Fastest Achievers but everyone there finished it in under a week which I can't even fathom. Still have Sakuna wishlisted from your glowing review! Just hope it goes on sale for $15 one day! 

[realm722 1,329]

Game: Fractured Minds

 

Analysis: I bought Fractured Minds for $1.49 just two days ago on May 30th, 2022 and I hope this review can bring it some deserved attention. 

 

Why Fractured Minds? Honestly, I have to give huge credit to @iGGTheEnd for making this post a few years ago as otherwise, I don't think this game would have ever crossed my radar. The game was made by a 17-year-old a few years ago by the name of Emily Mitchell. You're better off reading a brief interview she gave about why she made the game and what objective she set out while making it. OR if you prefer her speaking in her own words in video form. She ended up winning the BAFTA Young Game Designer's Award in 2017. Given the fact I also had a need for a quick and easy 100% to start the month of June, I felt compelled to check out her creation. I mean, better off supporting a young game designer than some shovelware pumped out by someone trying to make a quick buck.

 

I've gotta be honest, in terms of the game itself, I came away impressed! Please keep in mind that the title is not joking when it says that it is an "interactive short". You will be able to beat the game in less than 20 minutes and no puzzle should take you longer than 2-3 minutes to solve given the extremely simple mechanics. Despite that, as someone who does NOT play horror games (I don't do horror, man. Life's scary as is. I've played zero horror video games to date and the word horror appears a whooping 6 times out of 430 films on my All-Time Movie Rankings Spreadsheet. Predator, The Devil's Advocate, Bandersnatch, The Good Neighbor, The Birds, & The Invitation). (SPOILERS HERE ONWARDS) The effect here when gathering all the wrong keys on the very first level legitimately spooked me. On the second one, I was constantly looking behind me when I put the blindfold on and when the lights went out after pinning the donkey's tail I jumped again. Obviously, the graphics are not exactly earthshattering. But the fact that this girl created this game on her own? I have to give her credit for getting those emotions out of me in such an unbelievably minuscule amount of time compared to most games. Heck, if you don't care about the background of the designer at all, it's an easy 87.31% rarity 100% completion that I managed to complete in 32 minutes and 9 seconds. Surely you have lost $1.50 between your couch and the seats of your car and can spare a few dimes for a good cause. 

 

Would I recommend Fractured Minds? Yes. I decided to do some digging to see what Emily has been up to since her debut game a few years back and discovered her on Twitter revealing that she's been working for the last year on a brand new game called Blockfeet, you can view a trailer of it here on YouTube. She described it as a "cute life sim game" inspired by the likes of Stardew Valley. You can imagine my excitement. After typing up 3.5k words of vomit on My Time at Portia, I'm really counting on Emily to one day be the one who makes "The Harvest Moon Game to End All Harvest Moon Games" once she reaches the peak of her powers in the decades to come. I have complete faith in her. I mean, Hideo Kojima's(that's the dude who made SNATCHER) first video game was Penguin Adventure. He worked on that with a team and was an assistant designer. He was also 23-years old! By simple transitive math, we can deduce that Emily should make the greatest game of All-Time in around the year 2034 given the fact Kojima took until 2001 to release Metal Gear Solid 2. In all seriousness, I think it's awesome to help out young creators. Given the harassment and nonsense women have to deal with in this industry/hobby, I hope Emily keeps making games for a long time and has a team around her that'll help support her visions and dreams to come for the future. This was a bit atypical of most of my reviews but it's important to not forget that people make these games. Let's remember to give them the spotlight some of the time. 

 

Panda Score: 6.0 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 1.2 / 10

Edited June 2 by realm722

[PlutoRico 580]

On 5/19/2022 at 9:53 PM, realm722 said:

 

I came back to your Hades review and now I remember why I forgot to leave a comment the first time, I was trying to read through it while avoiding big spoilers to keep the surprise of discovery for when I decide to tackle the game 😂 As a huge Greek Mythology fan, I can't really miss this one out. I really love the fact that some aspects of the story look like they were inspired by God of War (the son of an Olympian fighting against a God's will and getting help from the others Olympian on his quest). Hades looks like it took the concept a step further with the cast and the fact that your choices affect the course of your relationships with them tho, which sounds amazing on paper 😁 I don't have much experience regarding roguelite tho so I will be on uncharted territory haha. 

 

Nevertheless, this was a fantastic read my friend, as much as I did, I tried avoiding the spoilers parts tho 😂 There is only one point with which I disagree tho : MJ is still the GOAT till this day (I assume you think the opposite when deciphering your comparison but I'm not sure tbh, the color pattern is confusing me) 😂

[realm722 1,329]

Game: A Short Hike

 

Analysis: I bought A Short Hike for $5.59 a few months ago in March 2022 and can happily report I am in full agreement with all the love this game has received!

 

Why A Short Hike? I'd be lying if I said I remembered when or how I had originally learned about the game but it may have been from a video game design analysis YouTube channel such as The GameMaker's Toolkit or Adam Millard. The game also got some traction on Reddit from the Switch community for being a wholesome, relaxing experience. I saw the cute graphics and flying around as a bird and definitely made a note of it mentally to scope it should it ever come to Playstation consoles. I say that in a hopeful sense due to the fact the game was made by essentially one guy, Adam Robinson-Yu, and some indie devs see no practical value in shipping their games on consoles aside from the Switch. Thankfully, the game arrived in late 2021!

 

My Initial Impressions - Knowing the game's brevity, it did not take long for the game to make a positive impact on me. You play as this adorable little bird named Claire whose goal and motivation for exploring the island are to make it to the mountaintop. At the start, you have your piddly little jump and a simple glide that won't get you very far. Yet if you collect "golden feathers" by interacting with other guests on the island and exploring in general, you'll gain what you need to make it to the top. I played the game with ZERO guide just wanting to soak in the full experience and I absolutely loved it. Anyone who has ever played an Animal Crossing game will immediately sense the inspiration seeping into the game. Apart from the talking animal characters, you have the silhouetted black figures of fish in the waters that can be caught once you obtain a fishing rod later on as well as the "X" marks the spot symbols in the ground for digging up a chest when you attain a shovel. These aspects are SO similar I'm surprised Nintendo didn't sue Adam for plagiarism. I absolutely did not mind it. I thought it played wonderfully with the tone and pixelated aspects of the world and heck, if I were ever to make a game, I'd copy the hell out of what I had loved from Supergiant Games, The Banner Saga, & my beloved Harvest Moon games. 

 

A Short Hike Nails Dialogue - (Spoilers from here onwards, I'd say just go and play the game man it takes 3-4 hours!) In such a simplistic game like this, you need all factors to work in harmony for the game to be a success. There are no intricate gameplay mechanics that keep players entertained for hours on end should the story fail to captivate them. I very much enjoyed talking with the critters hanging about the island. There's a rock-climbing duo you meet early on where one of them is easily the more chill of the two and encourages you to join while the other is fanatical about the popularity of the sport and you're a mere raindrop to an ocean of people already in the club. There's an adorable rent-a-boat shop where you can take a father's bored child out for a spin on the waters and even compete in a race challenge he had set up. This ends up not being the wisest decision and you have to help him get it repaired so his dad doesn't find out. There's a bird named Avery you can race around the island to different destination points that are even required for a trophy. My favorite of the bunch has to be the two hanging out on the coast playing a game of "beachstickball". 1) The game itself is pretty fun. 2) Your teammate is hilariously upbeat and sees you as a beachstickball prodigy. The friend sitting up as the lifeguard even lets you decide whether the initial serve "counts" for the point total recorded between you two. I'm not joking when I say that A Short Hike had more memorable encounters in the 4 hours I played it than some games with triple its run time. I could list even more from the helpful ranger who sells you some golden feathers to get you started but has a limited merch shop or the camper breaking the law without a permit. I was initially worried that all of the dialogue would feel "one-note" as if all the character's voices and personalities would blend together due to the creator of the game working on all of them, but Robinson-Yu did a fantastic job of spreading out the wacky and memorable members with some of the more serious ones. 

 

Would I recommend A Short Hike? Absolutely. I struggle to see how someone could fail to get any enjoyment out of the game unless they're strictly gameplay/mechanically focused. Hell, even that, the glide mechanics on Claire feel pretty great once you learn how to manipulate and maximize her glide. The island at first will feel intimidatingly huge as you'll only have 2-3 golden feathers to sprint and jump about but the beauty of its design is by the end, with 20 feathers, the world shrinks and you can get from one end to the other within 2-3 minutes. Hell, I am stunned that the boat racing mini-game felt as amazing as it did! The boat controls well! The more I think about the game the more I come away impressed with it. If you were hesitant at all about the higher completion percentage, don't be. While the game has become my most common platinum by far (72% compared to 59%) I have no regrets and feel it is worthwhile in every sense. Heck, I'll be honest and say the races took me a few attempts, and finding all the fish will take you a moment scooping up 2-3 in every pond/lake/river/ocean-related section in the game. I earned the 72.38% rarity platinum in 1 day and 18 minutes and hope the game continues to receive all the love it deserves. I'm very excited to see what Robinson-Yu's next project will be and will add him to my ever-growing list of developers whose next project is a must-play for me! 

 

Panda Score: 7.56 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 2.2 / 10

Edited June 4 by realm722

[YaManSmevz 2,327]

Yo, you're on fire homie!

 

Portia absolutely does not look or sound like my cup of proverbial tea, so I'll happily continue to ignore it. I am, however, pleased to see you ended up getting some joy out of it! Games like that are like some douchebag dude you can't stand, but then you see him helping a lost kid find their parents or some shit, and you're like "eehhhhh okay, he's alright."

 

Fractured Minds sounds absolutely fascinating. After playing The Forgotten City I really find myself paying more attention to indie game credits and the size of their staffs, it just blows me away. And the idea of a lone teenager crafting something like that is beyond impressive. When I was seventeen I was just doing stupid shit with my friends😄 That one's goin on the radar!

 

And if A Short Hike is a short Animal Crossing, then count me in, full stop. Y'all are givin me way too much homework these days, you know that??🤣🤣

[DrBloodmoney 18,043]

6 hours ago, realm722 said:

 

Would I recommend A Short Hike? Absolutely. I struggle to see how someone could fail to get any enjoyment out of the game unless they're strictly gameplay/mechanically focused. Hell, even that, the glide mechanics on Claire feel pretty great once you learn how to manipulate and maximize her glide. The island at first will feel intimidatingly huge as you'll only have 2-3 golden feathers to sprint and jump about but the beauty of its design is by the end, with 20 feathers, the world shrinks and you can get from one end to the other within 2-3 minutes. Hell, I am stunned that the boat racing mini-game felt as amazing as it did! The boat controls well! The more I think about the game the more I come away impressed with it. If you were hesitant at all about the higher completion percentage, don't be. While the game has become my most common platinum by far (72% compared to 59%) I have no regrets and feel it is worthwhile in every sense. Heck, I'll be honest and say the races took me a few attempts, and finding all the fish will take you a moment scooping up 2-3 in every pond/lake/river/ocean-related section in the game. I earned the 72.38% rarity platinum in 1 day and 18 minutes and hope the game continues to receive all the love it deserves. I'm very excited to see what Robinson-Yu's next project will be and will add him to my ever-growing list of developers whose next project is a must-play for me! 

 

Panda Score: 7.56 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 2.2 / 10

 

Dear sir,

 

I feel it is my obligation to inform you that based on the above statement, (in addition to the article it is extracted from,) the referenced game has been added to the following register:

 

1. My Backlog

 

In addition, this incident has been recorded, and your name been added to the following register:

 

1. My Backlog Gremlin list

 

...flagged with your name, for having added another game to it, further burdening me with awesome stuff.

 

 

I hope you are pleased with yourself.

 

Edited June 3 by DrBloodmoney

[realm722 1,329]

Game: Madden 22

 

Analysis: I did not buy Madden 22. Rather I paid $5 for an EA Play subscription of 1 month for June 2022 and given I played 2 games, we'll make this cost $2.50.

 

Why Madden 22? (read in Elcor voice) Hello everyone. Welcome back. I am so happy to be back to platinum Madden for a 7th consecutive year. (/end Elcor voice) We're back folks. I thought I would finally be able to break free of the Madden curse by not being tempted to play it back when it originally launched on EA Play due to hella glitchy trophies. I broke the FIFA curse by not even touching FIFA 21. Sadly, a friend wanted some help for NFS: Hot Pursuit Online trophies... I didn't have the game so I'd need to renew my subscription + I saw there was another game on the service and figured what the heck, it'd be as good a time as any to jump back on board! As it turns out, you can still not have a good time with a game even if you get it very cheaply!

 

Gameplay Focused Trophies - My strategy with the game was to get in and out as quickly as possible. We were not here to be dilly-dallying checking out any of the new features that EA is likely reintroducing from the Playstation 2 era. Hence, I made the "Momentum Stealer" trophy my #1 priority as it was the rarest trophy in the game. I don't even want to get into how idiotic the notion of momentum is. I imagine someone reading this who's a sports fan will have their jaw hit the floor at that statement. I can't express this sincere opinion I have on any other platform I use since sports fans get REALLY mad when you say "momentum doesn't exist". Like... it's a vitriolic reaction. It doesn't make any sense. In case you're willing to take a bit of a deep dive in trying to understand what I mean, you can check out this "Nomentum" article from good ol Bill Barnwell during the Grantland days as well as a more recent article on ESPN from David M. Hale. If you don't care to read those - I'll give my version. Momentum is stupid and all it really means to sports fans is "the last team to make a good play". THAT'S IT. If you think it's "a series of good plays". You're wrong. Cuz whenever a team will have a series of good plays such as the Buccaneers storming back against the Rams in the Divisional Round from 3-27 down to tie at 27-27, SOMEHOW, DESPITE HAVING ALLLLLLLL OF THE MOMENTUM, they let Cooper Kupp break free and manage to kick the game-winning field goal. How could they lose? They had ALL the momentum? Well, buddy, clearly they lost it with that big Kupp play! Basically, momentum is f***ing useless. It's just a thing sports commentators and fans to say. That's IT. Hell, I could look at Game 7 Heat vs. Celtics ECF which broke my heart and how we nearly came back and STOLE that game from Boston riding ALL of the momentum of a 11-0 run late and yet... Jimmy Butler missed the potential game-winning 3 in the final seconds. How could we lose? We had all the momentum? I could express even more. This doesn't even have anything to do with Madden but this all crossed my mind when I saw their key, earth-shattering feature for this year would be based around "momentum" and served as a kind reminder to me that these games aren't for me. They're for 12-year-olds. I was 12 once. I enjoyed it then. I'm not anymore. So I don't now. 

 

Where were we? Oh yea trying to get the trophy to pop. I got it here while playing as the 99OVR Jaguars roster that someone uploaded to Madden share. It took me a few attempts as you really have to make sure the opposing momentum meter is full or otherwise it won't work. It also has to be in the endzone as a pick-6 elsewhere on the field doesn't generate enough of a swing in the opposite direction. Once I had it out of the way, all the other gameplay trophies are a cakewalk with a 2nd controller. Taking care of the 3 presses with a cornerback, attaining all the sacks with various pass rush moves, and finally completing different ball carrier jukes and spins. None of them posed much of a challenge. 

 

 The Busted Online Franchise Trophies - I encountered no glitchiness with any of the gameplay trophies which was a pleasant surprise for a game I had heard so many complaints about. Then I tried to do the online league trophies. Specifically, "Bragging Rights" and "Head-to-Head". I had read there was actually a technique to get this trophy offline. Sweet! So here I go foolishly going through the elaborate process of switching accounts back and forth on my PS5, going through the horror show that is the Madden menu systems when you boot up the game for the first time (good lord man I'm sorry for being so negative but who is this for? Who wants to sort through 20+ pop-up screens explaining every nitty-gritty detail and having created a player as your avatar jammed down their throat? I wish I could input "I know who Greg Camarillo is" to prove my NFL cred and leave all the baby tutorials behind). To make a long story short, the offline method didn't work. I tried it with multiple different owner/head coach types, I tried playing a game and then SuperSimming through it, and no matter what I did, the trophy didn't pop. So I resorted to lifting my spotlight in the sky and Bat-Signal @NetoStyle to help me with some even more online sports trophies. Dude was a legend as always and even redownloaded the game to help me lead the Jaguars over the Eagles in the Super Bowl to pop both trophies. We even talked some K-Pop! For anyone going for the trophies in the future, I'd say just save yourself the time and do the trophy "legit" with a friend or boosting session partner. 

 

The Franchise Mode Trophies - Within a handful of hours I had managed to unlock the most annoying and rare trophies in the game and all I had left to accomplish were some miscellaneous ones in Franchise Mode. After taking a few days off to play another game and properly line up my Level 490 Trophy, I came back and wrapped up what I needed to get done for the platinum. This included winning ROTY, MVP, signing a 90+ OVR free agent, and unlocking a hidden dev trait. But there was one problem... the big spender trophy wasn't unlocking. I tried 3 different franchises. Nothing was working. That's weird. But rather then panic, I switched focus to taking care of ROTY+MVP by making Trey Lance a 99OVR QB and jumping in for 3-4 games during the season to pad his stats on rookie. In Week 1, I scored 120+ points on the Lions and had him throw for 12 touchdowns. I did this a handful of times to ensure his victory and was surprised to learn the game had implemented a few cool features. I got down early in a game against Chicago and all the momentum was against me. The game has a feature will the stadium will shake and if your QB is really rattled, your throwing icons of "X" "O", "RB", etc... will be hidden and you'll have to remember off memory. I thought that was pretty cool, well done EA! By the end of the year, I had won the Super Bowl and earned both awards as Lance. For whatever reason, in the offseason, I signed Terron Armstead to a huge contract and the trophy for Big Spender popped! I have literally zero idea why it worked that time around but I guess I had played enough of the actual game for EA to stop trolling me. After drafting an elite QB at the draft, the 4.48% rarity platinum popped! I had earned it in 3 days and 14 hours.

 

Would I recommend Madden 22? Only if you're a football fan or have experience platinuming past Madden games. I would not recommend this for a newbie to the series. The trophies are far too glitchy and you'll likely end up far more frustrated than you should be for such a baby-tier ultra-rare plat. Though, if you'll willing to take the challenge, the plat can legit be earned in a feasible 3-4 hours if you have a boosting partner lined up. Aside from that, I was stunned by how slow the menus were and the annoying transition screens from some of the most basic maneuvers possible. I don't believe EA employs a single person who has the slightest familiarity with basic user interface functions. The Franchise Mode is horrific in its design. I wouldn't be such a negative nelly with this game if the trophies were slightly more inspired and actually asked me to play some of the fresher game modes apart from being the same rinse-n-recycle list that they've been for the last half a decade or so. I hope one day I can play an American football video game that gets me as excited as the real product does. Until then, I guess we'll settle for this.

 

Panda Score: 6.0 / 10

Panda Difficulty: 2.1 / 10 (does glitchiness count for difficulty? If so, make it a 4/10)

[NetoStyle 496]

45 minutes ago, realm722 said:

Game: Madden 22

 

Congratulations on the Madden 22 Platinum!! It’s always a pleasure helping a friend out so you’re welcome!  🫡🫡🫡

 

Also I hope you’re enjoying Lost in Random! that game is so fine!! you’re putting the EA Play subscription to good use I see haha