Tora Chan

Help with new girlfriend

63 posts in this topic

Hello PSN peeps,

 

I recently started seeing a girl that I met on campus on we are currently dating. When talking about our past relationships, I told her about my ex-girlfriend and how things were back then. I explained the nice things I did with my ex-girlfriend and how I was sweet, and told her eventually things didn't work out between me and that girl so we broke up.

 

However, now my current girlfriend complained that she doesn't feel "special" because I was sweet to my ex-girlfriend... I asked her if she would've felt better if I was a terrible guy to my ex, but she said shouldn't wouldn't feel better, but she still doesn't feel "special" to me because I treated my previous girl nice and sweet in the past, so I guess that she somehow thinks how I'm treating her isn't "exclusive". I also told her that my current self is a better person than my previous self (more mature, smarter, less stubborn, etc.) but she still feels a little uneasy.

 

What can I do to make her feel special now, despite the fact that I was good to the previous girl I dated?

 

Thanks

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I think she's insecure and trying to win u over but this matters were from the past with ur ex. You should really tell her that there's nothing to worry about and u are with her now. I also believe that she has a trust issues. My suggestion is be urself and  u have to show more affection towards her now since u guys are dating. Love comes softly.. and congrats by the way☺✌

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Try doing something sweet for her that you never did for your ex-girlfriend. Something big and special that would cause no doubt in her mind that you care for her and that she is special to you. 

 

6 minutes ago, Macabro said:

Stop talking about your ex. 

 

Also this ^

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11 minutes ago, Macabro said:

Stop talking about your ex. 

 

Well she directly asked me about it... I guess I'll decline to mention my ex if she asks again in the future.

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Lie. 

 

Just le and lie and lie, until you can't remember what the truth really is.

 

jk. 😉

 

this is a minefield of youth. There is little point in trying to explain, as young girls tend to want everyone they are with to be a blank-slate, without past love or experience. Nothing but time will change that, but you might gently remind her that having a past is what makes us who we are -

the you she is with now is shaped by your past experience, just as the her that she is now was shaped by her past.

She might not be attracted to the past you that you were before your ex, or the you that you would be now without that experience.

 

thats just how life and love work. Messy and sweet and ungainly.

 

good luck.

Edited by DrBloodmoney
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6 minutes ago, DrBloodmoney said:

Lie. 

 

Just le and lie and lie, until you can't remember what the truth really is.

 

jk. 1f609.png

 

this is a minefield of youth. There is little point in trying to explain, as young girls tend to want everyone they are with to be a blank-slate, without past love or experience. Nothing but time will change that, but you might gently remind her that having a past is what makes us who we are -

the you she is with now is shaped by your past experience, just as the her that she is now was shaped by her past.

She might not be attracted to the past you that you were before your ex, or the you that you would be now without that experience.

 

thats just how life and love work. Messy and sweet and ungainly.

 

good luck.

 

Damn this is awesome. Thanks for your kind words; I'll explain to her what you said about the current me that she likes is influenced by my past.

 

29 minutes ago, Silent said:

I think she's insecure and trying to win u over but this matters were from the past with ur ex. You should really tell her that there's nothing to worry about and u are with her now. I also believe that she has a trust issues. My suggestion is be urself and  u have to show more affection towards her now since u guys are dating. Love comes softly.. and congrats by the way263a.png270c.png

 

Thanks, Silent! :) 

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44 minutes ago, Sir_Bee said:

Don't take this the wrong way, but how old are you two?

 

In my personal opinion, she is acting insecure, bordering on jealous of something that was in the past.  That is a little immature, but if you guys are 17-20 then maybe it is because she is new to this sort of thing and doesn't quite know how to react to it all.  If that is the case, then I say she is worth a chance to show that you can be kind and sweet to her too, and that she is important to you.

 

However, if you guys are 25+, I think that she won't be worth the trouble, as if she hasn't grown up yet it is unlikely to change any time soon.  

 

We are both 27, and admittedly both have little dating experience. I'll try to be sweet and kind to her too so maybe it will calm the insecurities a bit. Thanks :) 

 

41 minutes ago, AlchemistWer said:

Joo... Tora-chan have a girlfriend ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)     :dance::dance:

 

old-spice-guy-head-nod.gif

Edited by Tora Chan
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1 minute ago, Tora Chan said:

 

We are both 27, and admittedly both have little dating experience. I'll try to be sweet and kind to her too so maybe it will calm the insecurities a bit. Thanks :) 

 

 

Well I wish you luck on your choice.  Hopefully she realizes what you are worth and stops worrying about what came before :)

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My advice is simple. Don't worry about it too much, it's probably not really a big deal and if you just give it time without making a big deal about it it probably won't even come up again after a week or two.

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10 minutes ago, Tora Chan said:

We are both 27, and admittedly both have little dating experience. I'll try to be sweet and kind to her too so maybe it will calm the insecurities a bit. Thanks :)

Holy 27! D:  Tora-Chan has grown.     💪(◡̀_◡́҂)

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So many people and places to ask stuff about relations and u choose the most competent and professional people in the best place ever : Playstation players in a Playstation Forum. Nothing wrong about that at all I guess , but I think it would be better if u asked a real life's friend about it because he/she would know about your personality and maybe they know her so they can help you better , people in here will only give you answers based on what you have told and your way to see things. In the way I "see" it you should get real life friends ( joke ) , let me try that again , in the way I "see it" ,you should learn how to separate your past relations from the one you have now even if she is the one asking about it you should never give too many atention to that , simple as that , no one likes to see that our babe still thinks about her/his previous relation , you've got to live the present and forget about the past , mate. Goodluck

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22 minutes ago, ExHaseo said:

I've dated a lot, and I mean a LOT, and I can safely say that you've made one of the biggest mistakes you can make when starting a relationship, talked way too much about your ex, way too fast. NEVER, I mean, NEVER, go into great detail about a past relationship. That will force a comparison between your ex and your current partner, and that's never a good thing. Especially if the girl your dating is the jealous type. One of my favorite parts from How I Met Your Mother is when they're talking about past relationships. It's along the lines of, "Everyone has dated before, but when you're in a new relationship, it's common courtesy to pretend you haven't."

 

I mean, I would assume you don't want to hear about her exes, and the things that they did together, right? You don't want to be picturing her with another man, doing things that you haven't done with her, right? For the same reason, she doesn't want to picture you with another woman. And when you go into detail, to the point where you're talking about exactly how you treated your ex, it's impossible for your current girlfriend not to picture you two together, and then compare what you've done with your ex, to what you've done with her. So seriously, there's no reason to talk in depth about your ex. Never bring it up unless you're specifically asked, and even then, only mention the minimum. Like, who they were and how long you dated, but that's really all that needs to be said. Never talk about how "sweet" you were, or what specific kinds of things you did for her. Ever. It will just chase the girl off. Many women will just think you're still in love with your ex, and not want to put up with that kind of drama. You're honestly lucky she's even still with you.

 

In regards to fixing this, you're going to have a lot of trouble. You're going to have to do everything for your current girlfriend that you did for your ex, and then even more things that you've never done for anyone. 

 

That being said, that doesn't mean ignore what you learned in the past, just don't talk about it. It doesn't need to be talked about to your current girlfriend.

 

Pretty much this. I'd like to add that maybe you can say that you want to take things slow this time around since things didn't work out previously. 

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Rule #1 never compare your current girl with an ex girl.

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From what you're saying, it sounds like she's extremely insecure. I'd probably dump her ass for that kind of ill-mannered and nonlogical behavior, but to each his own I suppose. 

 

One way or another, you're going to have to deal with her feelings. Unless you break up with her right now, the way she feels is going to continue to affect you. The trivial answer is that the two of you should talk it through, but I assume you've done that already without resolution. If she is going to have some kind of a meltdown after this talk, please make extra efforts to reassure her that those relationships were in the past and she is the one who matters now. You can try to calm her feelings of jealousy, do things with her, assure her that she's the only one you care about, but in your case from my perspective, that sounds like a complete waste of time and utterly unnecessary.

Your girlfriend has some serious self-esteem issues. My suggestion is that if she doesn't start to understand that you've had previous girlfriends past and trusting you and your relationship together even after all your efforts, please be ready to walk away from this relationship. You cannot keep carrying a bucket for your girlfriend to cry into, all the time. When you have to let go, you just have do it. It's just complete childish behavior.

 

For all the people here leaving comments on that you should never talk about your previous relationships. That's very much based on what kind of person he/she is. I've had a lot of experience in dating, and girls differ a lot from each other, that's for sure. I'm currently in a relationship, and we share the same opinion of that talking about past relationships can give your partner insight into who you are. But that you need to realize that the reason you’re talking about your ex is to move forward, not backwards.

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15 minutes ago, gameoncomrade said:

From what you're saying, it sounds like she's extremely insecure. I'd probably dump her ass for that kind of ill-mannered and nonlogical behavior, but to each his own I suppose. 

 

One way or another, you're going to have to deal with her feelings. Unless you break up with her right now, the way she feels is going to continue to affect you. The trivial answer is that the two of you should talk it through, but I assume you've done that already without resolution. If she is going to have some kind of a meltdown after this talk, please make extra efforts to reassure her that those relationships were in the past and she is the one who matters now. You can try to calm her feelings of jealousy, do things with her, assure her that she's the only one you care about, but in your case from my perspective, that sounds like a complete waste of time and utterly unnecessary.

Your girlfriend has some serious self-esteem issues. My suggestion is that if she doesn't start to understand that you've had previous girlfriends past and trusting you and your relationship together even after all your efforts, please be ready to walk away from this relationship. You cannot keep carrying a bucket for your girlfriend to cry into, all the time. When you have to let go, you just have do it. It's just complete childish behavior.

 

For all the people here leaving comments on that you should never talk about your previous relationships. That's very much based on what kind of person he/she is. I've had a lot of experience in dating, and girls differ a lot from each other, that's for sure. I'm currently in a relationship, and we share the same opinion of that talking about past relationships can give your partner insight into who you are. But that you need to realize that the reason you’re talking about your ex is to move forward, not backwards.

 

So, you'd be perfectly fine with your girlfriend telling you that she loved to blow other guys, but doesn't want to do it for you? Maybe even explaining what their deal tasted like? And she's perfectly fine with you talking about how much better another girl you dated kissed than her? Or maybe that other girls you were with were tighter, more skilled, or more willing to try certain things than she is? How about if how her ex used to take her on romantic evenings, and exactly what they'd do together? Even if it was far more extravagant and romantic than anything you could do for her? Or how about the other way around, if you used to take your exes on extravagant getaways, while never taking your current girlfriend on one? Sounds like a lot of conflict and resentment waiting to happen. I mean, if that's the kind of relationship you have, then good for you guys, but that's not the norm by any means.

Also, unless you're polyamorous, or aren't that attached, it's completely logical to not want to think about your partner with other people. Of course, there are exceptions, but it's definitely normal. Especially when starting a relationship, if the other person is constantly talking about their ex, it's very likely and easy to think they're still in love with them. Otherwise, why would they talk about them so much? They're obviously thinking about them all the time, if that's what they're talking about. And if they're over them, then why think about them so much? There's just a lot of issues and bad feelings that can be easily avoided by simply not talking about your past relationships in detail like that. And really, there isn't anything to really be gained by talking about them. You each have your experiences, you've each learned from them. That doesn't mean you have to talk about them. If you the person your with is fine with it, and you're fine with it, that's an obvious exception, but like I've said, that is not the norm.

 

People differ, but when it comes to monogamous relationships, most people don't want to think about their partner with another person. If you're fine with that, then that's fine, but that likely means you're either polyamorous, or you're an exception to this. Which is fine, but like I've said, that is not the norm.

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Buy her a Senran Kagura game as a gift for you two to play together to make her feel special (unless you bought one for your ex and told her about it). If she doesn't appreciate your gift, she probably is...

A. not into gaming 

B. needlessly offended by a little fan service 

C. both 

...thus perhaps making her ineligible to be your girlfriend.

 

Trust me. I've been married for 7 years. And I keep hearing horror stories about significant others / spouses limiting hobbies such as gaming.

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That sounds a bit strange on her part. If I was dating someone and they said they treated a prior boyfriend/girlfriend well, I'd be thankful that they're that kind of person.

 

If this girl continues to be jealous or not feel special based on other things, despite you treating her well, I'd keep your distance. She seems immature, especially for being 27. Also taking about exes is probably the number one mistake when dating a girl. Just saying.

Edited by RabbiAndy
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5 hours ago, Tora Chan said:

Hello PSN peeps,

 

I recently started seeing a girl that I met on campus on we are currently dating. When talking about our past relationships, I told her about my ex-girlfriend and how things were back then. I explained the nice things I did with my ex-girlfriend and how I was sweet, and told her eventually things didn't work out between me and that girl so we broke up.

 

However, now my current girlfriend complained that she doesn't feel "special" because I was sweet to my ex-girlfriend... I asked her if she would've felt better if I was a terrible guy to my ex, but she said shouldn't wouldn't feel better, but she still doesn't feel "special" to me because I treated my previous girl nice and sweet in the past, so I guess that she somehow thinks how I'm treating her isn't "exclusive". I also told her that my current self is a better person than my previous self (more mature, smarter, less stubborn, etc.) but she still feels a little uneasy.

 

What can I do to make her feel special now, despite the fact that I was good to the previous girl I dated?

 

Thanks

You don f'ed up boy! 

 

Never talk about an ex regardless of how old you guys are, 20,30,40!

Just don't!

 

Simply bringing up how many gfs or bfs someone has had is a no go. 

Not even if they pry

 

Your choices? 

Wait it out. Don't act on it, don't bring the situation up, and if she does, ignore it. 

 

Or get counseling. People like another opinion. You can bet she's already getting a multitude of opinions from her own friends anyway. Might as well go professional. 

 

That's it, you dug that hole! I am sympathetic, hope it all turns out ok in a few months.  

 

 

Edited by Dav9834
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If it were me I'd like to know that the person I'm with is nice to their (past) significant others like that, but at the same time I wouldn't want to hear them talk about their exes. 

 

Odd that she would ask about it then get upset at how you answered, however. I don't want to make assumptions or "bad talk" her by any means but... It sounds like she's pretty insecure.

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