Tora Chan

Help with new girlfriend

63 posts in this topic

12 hours ago, Galactic Balls said:

Just start over and watch some porn together.

:jaymon: lol Haha.

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On 20/07/2017 at 2:31 PM, Tora Chan said:

Hello PSN peeps,

 

I recently started seeing a girl that I met on campus on we are currently dating. When talking about our past relationships, I told her about my ex-girlfriend and how things were back then. I explained the nice things I did with my ex-girlfriend and how I was sweet, and told her eventually things didn't work out between me and that girl so we broke up.

 

However, now my current girlfriend complained that she doesn't feel "special" because I was sweet to my ex-girlfriend... I asked her if she would've felt better if I was a terrible guy to my ex, but she said shouldn't wouldn't feel better, but she still doesn't feel "special" to me because I treated my previous girl nice and sweet in the past, so I guess that she somehow thinks how I'm treating her isn't "exclusive". I also told her that my current self is a better person than my previous self (more mature, smarter, less stubborn, etc.) but she still feels a little uneasy.

 

What can I do to make her feel special now, despite the fact that I was good to the previous girl I dated?

 

Thanks

 

OK... this is what we call in the dating game a "shit test". What you do to make her feel special is precisely fuck all...

 

What she's doing is manipulating you. She wants to see how far she can push you, how easily you can be twisted into doing things for her expressed happiness... and once she's made a submissive guy out of you she'll get bored and either leave you, or cheat on you. Why? Because female psychology my friend. Ever wondered why women say they want the kind and decent guy, but actually friend zone them while going for the "bad boy". It's because they're subconsciously pre-programmed to. It's entirely possible she's not even entirely aware that she's "shit testing" you.

A "shit test" is a test where you are supposed to stand up for yourself. Where the obvious right answer is actually the wrong answer. When a woman starts making demands of you, you should resist those demands; make it clear that you don't actually care if she just leaves. When women subconsciously feel that you're "Sexual Market Value" is higher, they will treat you with more respect and more dignity. You achieve this by not chasing her. By making it appear as if this relationship and by extension, she, is ultimately replaceable... because if that's the case that means other women want you, and if other women want you she should want you... 

 

Yes, this psychology sounds utterly pathetic, but the sad part is this is what the human brain chemistry does. The way human reproduction goes, men are pre-programmed to try to impress as many women as possible in an attempt to get a sexual partner and ensure as many offspring as possible, while women are pre-programmed to reject, be choosy, and trade up sexual partners where possible to ensure that their offspring are the best potential offspring she can have. Woman are also psychologically pre-programmed to keep back up males, often called "orbiters" interested without actually giving then what they want. This causes the men to provide for that woman, protect that women, etc. without her having to make any commitment; and potentially she can do this with multiple men.

You want to make sure you're the alpha male in the relationship, not just another orbiter. Be kind and considerate, but before that be confident, self-reliant, and masculine. If she's acting jealous, or making demands of you for things that are literally in the past, she's testing you... seeing if you'll grovel and try to impress her, because if you do, she's discovered her 'Sexual Market Value', she's discovered that you're worries about keeping her happy and you'll probably find that worrying about keeping her happy is the very thing that will put her off you.

Be kind and nice, but don't apologise for the past. If she grilling you about you being "sweet" with you ex but not with her, throw it back at her. If she accuses you of something, like looking at another woman for example, own it. Say something like, "Yeah, she's pretty hot"... don't apologise. If she develops a face like thunder say something like, "Hey, I may have looked at her, but I'm here with you. Are you going to act jealous every time I look at someone else, and make me regret that decision. Or are you going to realise that I'm choosing to spend my time with you?". If she's still angry, respond with something like, "You know what, there's other things I could be doing with my time than watch you mope. I think we can call this date early"....

 

....It sounds so stupid doesn't it, being passive aggressive and domineering. But it works. She'll find you more attractive because women find assertive men attractive. Obviously there's a balance you need to keep; but I guarantee, you start apologising for your past or making a special effort because she's jealous of your ex and she'll leave you within a matter of months because you've emasculated yourself.

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11 minutes ago, BurnedChipmunk said:

 

OK... this is what we call in the dating game a "shit test". What you do to make her feel special is precisely fuck all...

 

What she's doing is manipulating you. She wants to see how far she can push you, how easily you can be twisted into doing things for her expressed happiness... and once she's made a submissive guy out of you she'll get bored and either leave you, or cheat on you. Why? Because female psychology my friend. Ever wondered why women say they want the kind and decent guy, but actually friend zone them while going for the "bad boy". It's because they're subconsciously pre-programmed to. It's entirely possible she's not even entirely aware that she's "shit testing" you.

A "shit test" is a test where you are supposed to stand up for yourself. Where the obvious right answer is actually the wrong answer. When a woman starts making demands of you, you should resist those demands; make it clear that you don't actually care if she just leaves. When women subconsciously feel that you're "Sexual Market Value" is higher, they will treat you with more respect and more dignity. You achieve this by not chasing her. By making it appear as if this relationship and by extension, she, is ultimately replaceable... because if that's the case that means other women want you, and if other women want you she should want you... 

 

Yes, this psychology sounds utterly pathetic, but the sad part is this is what the human brain chemistry does. The way human reproduction goes, men are pre-programmed to try to impress as many women as possible in an attempt to get a sexual partner and ensure as many offspring as possible, while women are pre-programmed to reject, be choosy, and trade up sexual partners where possible to ensure that their offspring are the best potential offspring she can have. Woman are also psychologically pre-programmed to keep back up males, often called "orbiters" interested without actually giving then what they want. This causes the men to provide for that woman, protect that women, etc. without her having to make any commitment; and potentially she can do this with multiple men.

You want to make sure you're the alpha male in the relationship, not just another orbiter. Be kind and considerate, but before that be confident, self-reliant, and masculine. If she's acting jealous, or making demands of you for things that are literally in the past, she's testing you... seeing if you'll grovel and try to impress her, because if you do, she's discovered her 'Sexual Market Value', she's discovered that you're worries about keeping her happy and you'll probably find that worrying about keeping her happy is the very thing that will put her off you.

Be kind and nice, but don't apologise for the past. If she grilling you about you being "sweet" with you ex but not with her, throw it back at her. If she accuses you of something, like looking at another woman for example, own it. Say something like, "Yeah, she's pretty hot"... don't apologise. If she develops a face like thunder say something like, "Hey, I may have looked at her, but I'm here with you. Are you going to act jealous every time I look at someone else, and make me regret that decision. Or are you going to realise that I'm choosing to spend my time with you?". If she's still angry, respond with something like, "You know what, there's other things I could be doing with my time than watch you mope. I think we can call this date early"....

 

....It sounds so stupid doesn't it, being passive aggressive and domineering. But it works. She'll find you more attractive because women find assertive men attractive. Obviously there's a balance you need to keep; but I guarantee, you start apologising for your past or making a special effort because she's jealous of your ex and she'll leave you within a matter of months because you've emasculated yourself.

This is not entirely true or false unfortunately....

 

Good news though, it drops off as we get older. By a large margin, although everything depends on the person too and what they've gone through. 

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22 hours ago, BurnedChipmunk said:

OK...

 

Snipping cause a big post, but how many relationships have you been in, and how long have you been an armchair psychologist?

 

22 hours ago, Dav9834 said:

This is not entirely true or false unfortunately....

 

Good news though, it drops off as we get older. By a large margin, although everything depends on the person too and what they've gone through. 

 

It depends on the kind of person both people in the relationship are really.

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1 minute ago, dmann said:

 

Snipping cause a big post, but how many relationships have you been in, and how long have you been an armchair psychologist?

 


Three long term relationships (more than a year), including one that lasted a little over 3 years. Was engaged but it didn't work out after a miscarriage caused a rather bitter rift to form between us. Casually dated maybe a dozen other people. I'm not really one for one night stands.

As for armchair psychologist... well I don't know about the armchair; I suppose I am sitting in one. As for how long I've been at least moderately informed about psychology about 4 years. I minored in psychology at University. (Well, we don't call it that in the UK, but it's the same principle). My first degree was in Chemistry, minoring in Computer Science. My second degree was in Forensic Biology, minoring in Psychology. In the UK we have a semi-modular system for degrees but it's easier to use the American terms as people understand them more easily I find.

You shouldn't presume a lack on understanding just because someones conclusions are politically uncomfortable and currently somewhat taboo in certain circles. Political correctness is the language of cowardice, and psychology doesn't change because someone finds the results to be "problematic".

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13 minutes ago, BurnedChipmunk said:


Three long term relationships (more than a year), including one that lasted a little over 3 years. Was engaged but it didn't work out after a miscarriage caused a rather bitter rift to form between us. Casually dated maybe a dozen other people. I'm not really one for one night stands.

As for armchair psychologist... well I don't know about the armchair; I suppose I am sitting in one. As for how long I've been at least moderately informed about psychology about 4 years. I minored in psychology at University. (Well, we don't call it that in the UK, but it's the same principle). My first degree was in Chemistry, minoring in Computer Science. My second degree was in Forensic Biology, minoring in Psychology. In the UK we have a semi-modular system for degrees but it's easier to use the American terms as people understand them more easily I find.

You shouldn't presume a lack on understanding just because someones conclusions are politically uncomfortable and currently somewhat taboo in certain circles. Political correctness is the language of cowardice, and psychology doesn't change because someone finds the results to be "problematic".

 

I am also UK, and my current relationship had an ex that was/is a psychologist in training (Uni course), and they did things to them that scars them even now. And I gave how long we have been together somewhere in this topic.

 

I have been in 8 relationships though overall, most of them for a decent amount of time (shortest is a month), and I am aware of how weird Uni courses are. I also didn't say you were wrong. I was just asking where your perspective (which sounded scarily like things my partner has said her ex said) had come from.

Edited by dmann
Addition of an 's'
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1 minute ago, dmann said:

 

I am also UK, and my current relationship had an ex that was/is a psychologist in training (Uni course), and they did things to them that scars them even now. And I gave how long we have been together somewhere in this topic.

 

I have been in 8 relationships though overall, most of them for a decent amount of time (shortest is a month), and I am aware of how weird Uni course are. I also didn't say you were wrong. I was just asking where your perspective (which sounded scarily like things my partner has said her ex said) had come from.
 


Fair enough. I'm used to having to go straight onto the defensive when it comes to these kinds of topics. I'll be honest, much of what I'm talking about is based more on evolutionary biology than psychology, which is actually quite a soft science. Psychology is fine for questions or moral philosophy or predicting patterns in large groups of people, which is how advertising works... but it's far too often inaccurate person to person for it to really be considered science. Anthropology though, that's all biology really. It's all about brain chemistry and evolutionary responses.

People are often very angry, especially with modern feminism and the transgender movements, when you tell them biological facts about gender and how it effects their brain. Men and women have different brains and they think, feel, and act very differently. Additionally humans are not very logical creatures, they're prone to self-delusion, they frankly lack willpower in all but extreme cases, and they're overly emotional creatures of habit. This is precisely why I'm eating cake and drinking lemonade despite promising myself I'd lose weight. We had these things in the house, I wanted to treat myself after a big clear out that took all day going through old clothes, DVDs, books etc. and I'm now eating cake. Sugar addiction beats out common sense, and often instinct beats out personal interest. Which is why many women will find themselves frustratingly no longer attracted to men who are nice to them, and constantly lamenting to their friend-zoned nice guy friend that they can't find a decent guy while fucking their way through half a dozen arseholes. It may seem like a cliché but the evolutionary benefits actually make these seemingly ridiculous things make sense when you look at it from an anthropological perspective.

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2 minutes ago, BurnedChipmunk said:


Fair enough. I'm used to having to go straight onto the defensive when it comes to these kinds of topics. I'll be honest, much of what I'm talking about is based more on evolutionary biology than psychology, which is actually quite a soft science. Psychology is fine for questions or moral philosophy or predicting patterns in large groups of people, which is how advertising works... but it's far too often inaccurate person to person for it to really be considered science. Anthropology though, that's all biology really. It's all about brain chemistry and evolutionary responses.

People are often very angry, especially with modern feminism and the transgender movements, when you tell them biological facts about gender and how it effects their brain. Men and women have different brains and they think, feel, and act very differently. Additionally humans are not very logical creatures, they're prone to self-delusion, they frankly lack willpower in all but extreme cases, and they're overly emotional creatures of habit. This is precisely why I'm eating cake and drinking lemonade despite promising myself I'd lose weight. We had these things in the house, I wanted to treat myself after a big clear out that took all day going through old clothes, DVDs, books etc. and I'm now eating cake. Sugar addiction beats out common sense, and often instinct beats out personal interest. Which is why many women will find themselves frustratingly no longer attracted to men who are nice to them, and constantly lamenting to their friend-zoned nice guy friend that they can't find a decent guy while fucking their way through half a dozen arseholes. It may seem like a cliché but the evolutionary benefits actually make these seemingly ridiculous things make sense when you look at it from an anthropological perspective.

 

Considering evolutionary biology may need slight refinement, as we may still be evolving, mentally as well as physically, not everything can be explained by it.

 

And yeah, I agree that logic should be checked. But I disagree that all women are attracted to bad boys straight away.  My partner told me that when they met me (at a friends leaving do several years ago, way before we became a couple) they were asexual until they met me (where they fell for me almost at first sight, as did I with them, and it was only confirmed to them after they had an allergy attack (bananas -_-'), and I helped them back to the leavers place by holding them over my shoulder, although I was warned off pursuing them at the time by the leaver, and we were friends for years until we upgraded), and still kind of are, with the exception of me. And the only reason they fell for the psycho(logist) person is because they sounded like me on the phone. And I am considered a nice guy.

 

If you are Midlands based by the way, I live thereabouts.

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52 minutes ago, BurnedChipmunk said:

People are often very angry, especially with modern feminism and the transgender movements, when you tell them biological facts about gender and how it effects their brain. Men and women have different brains and they think, feel, and act very differently. Additionally humans are not very logical creatures, they're prone to self-delusion, they frankly lack willpower in all but extreme cases, and they're overly emotional creatures of habit. This is precisely why I'm eating cake and drinking lemonade despite promising myself I'd lose weight. We had these things in the house, I wanted to treat myself after a big clear out that took all day going through old clothes, DVDs, books etc. and I'm now eating cake. Sugar addiction beats out common sense, and often instinct beats out personal interest. Which is why many women will find themselves frustratingly no longer attracted to men who are nice to them, and constantly lamenting to their friend-zoned nice guy friend that they can't find a decent guy while fucking their way through half a dozen arseholes. It may seem like a cliché but the evolutionary benefits actually make these seemingly ridiculous things make sense when you look at it from an anthropological perspective.

 

Science hasn't really found out all that much for certain about the brain yet so I don't see how you can say these things with that much certainty. Comparing what we (as humans) do know about the brain with what the brain is actually capable of we don't know even a quarter of it.

 

Brains are different, that isn't really a new fact and that much the scientists have figured out. However, the exact things that are involved of shaping us who we are aren't all clear yet. Yes, own expierences have something to do with it and yes hormones and pheramones have effects on the brain as well. But like I said, not all factors are clear yet so you can't really make a statement saying that the things you have mentioned are facts. And no, I'm not saying that because of modern feminism or transgender movement, but because the conclusions you've come to in your first post have no basis in the actual science/neurology that is known to humans yet. Your description in your first post sounds more like what neanderthals behaved like and since then humans have evolved a lot. While some people can easily be compared to neanderthals even today with their actions, I don't think the majority of people fits in that category anymore.

 

But to get back to the topic at hand in the OP:

You shouldn't really listen to what other people would do in your situation. There is a lot more to the situation than you could possibly write here so no one really knows everything that's going on with the two of you. Because of that, my advice would be to do what you think is the right thing to do. At least then you have the comfort in knowing that you did what you thought was right at the time. Remember, we all make mistakes so don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck!

 

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18 minutes ago, iAlphaSoldier said:

You shouldn't really listen to what other people would do in your situation. There is a lot more to the situation than you could possibly write here so no one really knows everything that's going on with the two of you. Because of that, my advice would be to do what you think is the right thing to do. At least then you have the comfort in knowing that you did what you thought was right at the time. Remember, we all make mistakes so don't be too hard on yourself. Good luck!

 

If you look at my original advice (also be friends with your partner) I never gave any advice on the related stuff. I did snark at an amusing thing later though, soyeah.

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18 minutes ago, dmann said:

 

If you look at my original advice (also be friends with your partner) I never gave any advice on the related stuff. I did snark at an amusing thing later though, soyeah.

Yes, I never said that you specifically gave any advice. Being friends with your partner is defininetly helpful in my opinion as well. I never even said giving advice is a bad thing.  I simply tried to "remind" the OP that at the end of the day, they shouldn't really listen to a stranger and make their decisions based on that but rather do what they feel is the right thing.

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26 minutes ago, iAlphaSoldier said:

Yes, I never said that you specifically gave any advice. Being friends with your partner is defininetly helpful in my opinion as well. I never even said giving advice is a bad thing.  I simply tried to "remind" the OP that at the end of the day, they shouldn't really listen to a stranger and make their decisions based on that but rather do what they feel is the right thing.

 

True dat, but my advice was a more safe than some of the rest. Considering I am giving advice from experience too, and not trying to push OP deeper in or further out of the relationship, my advice was more neutral than positive or negative.

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6 minutes ago, dmann said:

 

True dat, but my advice was a more safe than some of the rest. Considering I am giving advice from experience too, and not trying to push OP deeper in or further out of the relationship, my advice was more neutral than positive or negative.

 

I think you and I gave quite similar advice in that regard. Technically, saying to do what he thinks is the right thing to do is advice too and it's also neutral.

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