Shakilrahman96 Posted March 2, 2016 Author Share Posted March 2, 2016 Entry #28 1st March 2016: - The Test I went into college for my 9am lecture and I bumped into a classmate called Andy, he is a pretty sound guy to be honest. We spoke for a bit and sat in the lecture, the lecturer's computer kept crashing for the hour's duration so it was a little unproductive to say the least. I went up to the labs after and Nicola and her friend Zoe. I kinda wrapped up learning for my exam as it was relatively decent stuff, however by then it was only 1pm, I had another 5 hours to kill doing fuck all. It was torture, my parents came it at 3pm and my only saving grace up to that point was talking to Kat and Bailey, my Yo-Friends until Bailey fell asleep and Kat went out with friends. I walked into town and met my parents and went for a burrito with them, when they began to get on their nerves I questioned why I even decided to go down when I knew the entire time they'd be on my nerves haha! but free food and company sure beats sitting in a lab doing fuck all. I sat down with them as it approached 5pm, my exam was at 6pm and I said "So when are you dropping me in?" they laughed and said I needed to get the bus, I declined and said I'd walk, its about a 30 minute walk for most people but I can make it in a solid 20mins, it was raining a little but I didn't mind I walked anyway, wasn't anything particularly heavy or anything but I got there quite fast and sat in the lecture hall waiting for the exam to begin. My classmates Luke and Connor showed up and the exam eventually began. The exam wasn't hard but I got a mild panic attack when my matrix question wouldn't balance and that really fried my mind, I should have saved it for last because I spent way too much time on it then and it really messed my timing up, quite disappointed in that sense, ugh... all that for nothing! After the exam I messaged Niall asking him did he go to the maths exam because I didn't see him, he forgot about it... 20% of his final grade plonked right down the drain just like that! I got home and all my friends wanted me to go on YoWorld, I wasn't in the mood so I just stayed on Facebook and spoke to Kat and Nicola but Nicola was just impossible to keep up a conversation with, she just was taking hours on end to respond and that pissed me off to the point I just wanted to go sleep and went to bed early. My day yesterday was boring and all that. No pictures sadly! I don't see today being very entertaining either but we shall see! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 3, 2016 Author Share Posted March 3, 2016 Entry #29 2nd-3rd March 2016: - Back to Square One Yesterday, 2nd March was Wednesday, which meant another long lie in for me and I didn't bother going to classes. My friend Luke had a class on from 3-5pm and my parents were doing something in the bank with their mortgage so I chose to go in and sit in with him. Bad idea, it was an extremely boring lecture for the most part and was far from a good idea to go to. Earlier that day myself and Nicola were talking and spoke for a good bit, that made me happy as I feel as if she has been avoiding me lately and really hasn't been putting any effort into our relationship and its starting to upset me a lot. I understand she is busy but no offence to her, her time management sucks dick and she doesn't put much thought into planning ahead when it comes to our relationship and it is starting to get on my nerves little by little. She just randomly stopped responding mid-conversation, opened the message and read it and was online on and off for 4 hours and didn't bother to respond. I figured I would do the same to her and I did, she wrote to me eventually and I opened the message and didn't bother responding for 3hrs 37mins. I know how childish this seems in hindsight but I know it will get on her nerves and maybe she will finally understand how rude and annoying it is. I sat down in the lecture but left at 4:30pm, I couldn't stomach any more of it. I did however take a picture of it because you know how I love my pictures. Afterwards I was speaking to Kat for a good while, she seems like the only person in my life at the moment who is giving me any bit of attention so we have gotten pretty close the past few days. We Skyped that evening for like 2 hours and it was pretty fun! It is really cool that she is from Dublin, I think I will definitely go and visit her sometime it would be very funny and a new experience. Nicola came on and told me at around 9pm that she was reading all day, she had read 2 books in one day and she kinda disappeared again for a few hours. I was fed up at this point so just went to bed at around 10:30pm without bothering my ass saying goodnight. Today I woke up pretty early today and my father had made Fried noodles with a fried egg and beef salami, as usual it was delicious but he kept asking me how it was and making it seem like I was ungrateful and that I never say thank you, something I always do! and I told him I was starting to get pissed off with the way how they keep looking for praise and keep asking me questions about their food and how I should be grateful they make me it (lol) and that offended him and my mom. I got a lecture and things got awkward pretty quickly. It wasn't long before I got into university and my messages began to blow up on Kik messenger from Bailey. She seemed pretty pissed off that I had not responded from the night before but to be honest I really wasn't in the mood. I asked her why she was acting distant one minute with me and then next minute was so damn clingy? I didn't understand and I was getting pissed off, I told her if I was bothering her in some way I'd fuck right off and leave her be if that was what she wanted. She told me it wasn't like that and told me something what kinda shocked me. She is 28 years old and I am 19, I figured her character on YoWorld had a crush on mine and I always sort of brushed it off and ignored it but today she told me she felt like a creepy old lady and a total idiot because she really likes me... Yikes how do I attract these people sometimes? I mean she is a lovely girl and all but like... Nicola 9 years older than me Lives in America Not exactly the most possible thing but I had realized I had never spoken much about Nicola to her so I had to explain how I had a girlfriend which I felt almost bad for her. Kinda harsh and I wasn't purposely being secretive but it just never came up in conversation until pretty much then. She got a little upset but I think she is ok now, I am kinda just ignoring it for the time being. I met up with Ciara at 11-12pm for our weekly Thursday meet up. She had went to London to visit her sister for a few days so we spoke about that for a good while. She seemed to have enjoyed herself and she showed me pictures of London too which was nice she asked me how things were going with Nicola and that I should book a holiday away for the two of us. I told her I would love to and that the idea was obviously a well-favoured one but sadly I am broke and London accommodation is insanely expensive, I also mentioned how I get the vibe we won't be together for much longer, It is just a hunch however but I really and truly don't feel she likes me anymore. Could just be paranoia, could be me overthinking or it could be true, which one it is I am uncertain but one thing I am certain is that she really needs to put in effort before I lose interest and fast because I am just not happy with the current situation, it feels insanely shitty to say the least. Ciara then asked me when I told her about a dream I had 2 nights ago that Nicola was texting Louis again what I would do if I found out she was still texting him. I was blunt but honest. I'd tell her to honestly go fuck herself and cut her off as not only my girlfriend but also my best friend. I've been far too patient in my previous and current relationships that I am starting to feel that people think they can walk all over me and I am not having it. She has one more chance when it comes to guys and even Ciara told me that she wouldn't have even stuck around past the Louis thing if a guy did that to her with another girl so that really puts things into perspective if you ask me. I went to the Civil Labs afterwards to avoid Niall and Nicola in the labs, I just was so riled up after giving the whole situation a good bit of thought that I didn't want to sit near her that day. I had messaged her earlier asking her was she free during our usual time. I mentioned it before that Thursday is "Nicola day" as I call it but now she has even found a way to fuck it up. The genius thought it would be a good idea to hold her lab meetings during the only fucking time we get together during the week and that really and truly pissed me off to the highest degree so seeing her in the labs was not something I wanted. She also had the excuse about having to do her Thermodynamics project for tomorrow yet she didn't bother doing it days before to free up the Thursday? I am sorry but she really isn't trying to make the relationship work at this point in time. The Civil Labs were packed so I had to go up to the elec labs, she had a lecture so I figured I could avoid her but as I entered the labs she was just there right in front of me with a seat free beside her. Ugh... I sat beside her and I didn't initially want to communicate with her because I was pretty cheesed off over the situation but she asked me if I wanted to go down to the shop so I went with her. We spoke a little bit before Niall messaged me asking if I wanted to come down to his place and play some Xbox One with him, I figured seeing how he was trying to be friendly again i'd come down and see what was up with him. We sat around his place and while he was doing his maths assignment I was playing Forza Horizon 2 . I didn't really enjoy it so when he was done we played Rocket League together, I am actually really good at it and scored more goals than him in every match except maybe 2/15 matches we had and we won all the online matches we played too. It is a really fun game, wasn't expecting it to be that fun I think i might get it when I get a PS4. I left Niall's house at 3:30pm because I had promised Sam I would meet him at 4pm. I was hungry and we met up at a fried chicken hut called Hillbillies in Cork and went back to his house with takeaway. I took pics of the food and one of Sam eating Sam was playing Dark Souls II and raging his head off, I was talking to Kat and was sending her voice notes of my voice impressions for ages and she was sending them back it was hilarious, I was very hyper, me and Sam get very hyper together so it was pretty fun. I went home for 6:30pm and on the way home it began to snow a little, I got home and Nicola told me that Sara, a classmate of our's boyfriend named Jamie broke up with her, wait until you hear the reason. He said to her that he was out the other night and he felt like kissing random girls and that he didn't even want to give the relationship a try. I am sorry but here is where I shall rant like crazy. Irish people have the most primitive, most backwards, most sex orientated people when it comes to relationships and are entirely self centred to say the least, I always used to tell myself I would never date an Irish girl because they are totally rotten and my morals and outlook on life really doesn't match theirs. They are always cheating, always up to mischief and can never seem to stay loyal or crave attention from 3rd parties in relationships and it really is starting to piss me off being surrounded by that. I honestly just want to fucking break that Jamie guy's face right in and spit on him. Total asshole, then again Sara is far from perfect herself so I guess it is a bit of karma in a sense. That being said though I do think its really shitty what he has done. She asked him would he consider giving it a chance and he said no so fuck that shit lol. Irish guys like that are insanely common and it bugs the hell out of me when my Irish girl friends don't listen to fuck all I say and learn the hard way but I guess as they say! Such is life!That is enough for today, i am just going to go chat with friends for the evening. Peace! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 (edited) THANK YOU ALEX Edited September 24, 2017 by Shakilrahman96 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 Entry #30 4th March 2016: - Anniversary I didn't have university today but I went in regardless, it was my parent's 22nd anniversary yesterday so we were planning to go for a meal together after Samirah had finished up school at 3:30pm. I went into the labs for the day and did some work, my friend Malik was in the labs and asked could I help him with an assignment. I said sure but we went to get a coffee first. After getting one he asked me did I smoke, I told him I didn't and he praised me for that. We headed up to the labs where I spoke to him another another classmate named Conor until almost 4pm when my parents were finally ready. I had asked Nicola was she free to go to the convention tomorrow with me, of course I knew the answer at this point, she told me no because she was working. I guess that is another perfect chance for us spending time together as a couple ruined. I wasn't impressed and I was upset but I am starting to get used to this. It is sad really. I was so excited to finally have her as my girlfriend but recently I just feel empty, almost to the point I almost don't care anymore. I feel "eh". Almost as if she did leave me I'd feel nothing and that thought alone makes me sad that it has gotten to a point like this so quickly. I don't think I ever felt like this in any other relationship. It is a little worrying to say the least but it isn't stopping me from going tomorrow. I plan to go alone, a friend said he might be able to come at around 2pm but that still gives 3-4 hours of wandering around like a loner which really sucks but I am really excited to get the signatures so I guess that is something to look forward to. I might take a few pics I don't know yet though, I will probably be a little shy and awkward but maybe! who knows right? We went to my favourite restaurant, Kanok Thai , It was delicious as usual! Really enjoyed it. I was talking to Kat a good bit today and she kinda got a little jealous when I mentioned Nicola lol. Yikes! I had a feeling she may like me but I think she respects boundaries, she hasn't tried anything yet and I hope things don't get weird because I do like her as a friend and she always keeps me company when I am lonely so I hope she doesn't ruin that for herself. Again, Nicola wasn't very chatty again so I just went onto YoWorld where this stupid bitch and virtual whore named Josie joined me live and was like "what the fuck is your problem?" I had no fucking clue what was going on and she was beginning to piss me off. She accused me of spreading a rumour about her and said that I was after turning Kat into a bitch by hanging out with her LOL I told her to fuck off and she put a knife to my neck in the game and said she would kill me lol, as if she could. Just childish active to be honest. Nicola went to bed at 8pm... something isn't right at all here and I honestly don't know what to make of it at this point in time. I do think I need to confront her about it because it is getting pretty bad at this stage now, If she doesn't make an effort to meet up with me this week I am sadly going to have to end it. Its just not a good feeling currently and I have no idea how she can feel this is a healthy relationship, she always seems so fucking concerned about other people's drama and shenanigans and I am just thinking, maybe focus on your own relationship for a bit before we end up in a shitty situation just like them you know? Ugh. No idea what I am going to do for the night now. Kat is gone out with her friends too so I have nobody to speak to for the evening. I think I might get an early night's sleep for tomorrow. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 5, 2016 Author Share Posted March 5, 2016 Entry #31 5th March 2016: - Kaizokucon 2016 Today was the day! I was going to Kaizokucon, the Anime convention at my University, I was originally going in with nobody due to Nicola working and any of my other close friends having little to no interest in anime and all that sort of stuff and to be honest I cannot blame them. Conventions always make me feel embarrassed, I always have this epiphany at them, what if I am as stupid looking as these fedora tipping scraggily wigged neckbearded otakus and just cannot see it? Yikes! That is a worrying thought. The cosplay was disappointing this year, absolutely none of them stood out which was a disappointment. I got my ticket with Samirah and left to go by my lonesome. She was meeting with her friend Roxanne so I said I would leave them be. I waited from 11:30am-1pm for the Cherami Leigh signings. I was roughly 15-20th in the queue and she was awfully chatty and friendly. She was taking forever to get through the signings. When she saw the "Poster" I made she commented on the character from Cat Planet Cuties and said how nobody ever really asks her to sign anything with that on it. She has a beautiful signature I have to say, I was quite happy with it. At around 2pm I met up with my old childhood friend Rian and we went and got Pizza. We then checked out the trade hall but I had no money but it was comforting to see that the majority of the items in the Trade Hall were far from worth getting, even the figure collections weren't overly impressive either so I didn't feel too pushed about that. We bumped into Samirah and Roxanne in the trading hall again a few hours later and the 4 of us went to a panel called "Cards Against Kaizokucon". It was pretty much a panel where she would pick several random people from the audience to play Cards of Humanity with cards she had made herself, it was quite funny and in the final competitors round Roxanne got picked. Afterwards we left and it was 5pm and the queue for Matthew Mercer, the voice of Levi was HUGE! We lined up and finally got his signing at 6:40pm. He admired my "poster" thing again and told me I had a unique name and that he has never heard it before, he liked it or so he said anyway Nicola had messaged me earlier telling me she was around at 6ish but I told her I'd come up to her after we got the autograph. We went up to the labs and talked with Nicola until my mom collected us. Nicola got dropped off and we stopped at McDonalds for a drink before dropping Rian home. I got home for around 9pm and Nicola has been tormenting me about K-Pop and that really pisses me off, it is all my little sister talks about to the point even hearing the word Korea actually gets me in an extremely foul mood. I refused to link a video to Samirah which involved K-Pop and she pretty much called me an asshole. I was talkng to Dan and Sam earlier about the situation, Dan, her girlfriend Jess and my friend Ciara all think I should break it off with Nicola however Sam says I should be patient, that it is her first relationship and to wait it out but why should I wait it out? I know if I wait it out she will probably just be the one to break up with me. I am so conflicted right now, I want to but I am afraid to, I don't know what will be the outcome of all this and that is troubling me a lot. I will see how this week in college goes with her, I really hate being in this situation but I really do not have much of a choice. The old me would have clinged onto this for dear life to make it work but I am done being that person. I need to find somebody who makes the conscious effort to be with me too. There is a definite lack of affection here. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 6, 2016 Author Share Posted March 6, 2016 Entry #32 6th March 2016: - "We need to talk" I woke up pretty early this morning, my parents were arguing and initially I had no idea why. I kinda ignored it from 7am-9:30am until it died down and they called me down for breakfast. There wasn't really much to eat or even drink as they were supposed to go shopping yesterday but didn't. I had pasta for breakfast and went up to my room to tidy it after breakfast. It wasn't even 15 minutes before I heard them arguing again however this time I was called down to their room. It was around 10am at this point. They were arguing over the house we have in Bangladesh and how my mom thinks he is apparently too soft and stupid when it comes to his family. We have a house in Bangladesh which we own entirely, we built it from scratch and it is very nice to say the least. My uncle on my dad's side has set up various businesses however they never seem to work out for him so they have a little financial problem, my dad offered him to move into the house seeing how it is huge and act almost as a caretaker and minder of the house during our absence. If a building that size was left alone for a period of a year at a time it wouldn't be long before it became run down so it was a fair and kind gesture made by my father. However, my mom is concerned over small things they have been doing that seem to almost be a way of them trying to claim the house almost for themselves in a way. My mom was concerned over my uncle's son, i.e. my cousin who is going through a rebellious teenager phase and my mother was questioning whether or not my uncle thought his children would be given the house due to the deeds to the house still being written in Bengali. I played the role of peacemaker and told how my father was justified in what he did, he earns the majority of the money in this house and he was helping his brother in need, something I would do too and once he sorts out the deed and puts it in my mothers name all will be sorted etc. Afterwards, I finished tidying my room and studied for a Physics exam I have tomorrow. I finally got my head around calculating the emf of a circuit applying the loop rule and Ohm's law so I was quite proud of that, makes me really facepalm hard though and ask myself what the actual fuck was I doing all last year? lol. After a while my dad was making dinner. it was delicious and I was speaking to an online friend who told me they wouldn't be online for 2 months after getting a D in her maths exam from too much gaming. I said goodbye to her and it felt a little sad. She was nice company. Nicola wasn't any different today, still a little distant and what-not and its not a "I'm busy and balls deep in work" kinda busy anymore, it just feels like a total avoidance. I asked her earlier if she would be free to meet up Thursday. This is how the conversation went down pretty much. Notice the massive time gaps between her messages, that is what it is like all day with her and it doesn't change even if she is busy or entirely free, that is just an unchanging pattern of hers lately. I remember how sweet she was before we dated, she would stay up late with me and talk all day, respond fast and frequently and would make the conscious effort to meet up with me. All of that has just died off now and it is really upsetting me to the point I just don't know if this is worth it anymore and that hurts. I said to myself if she did mention Thursday as a no go which she practically did say, I would drop the "We need to talk" line on her. Not much of a choice at this stage, going to wait for her response in the morning and when I do get the chance to speak to her I want it to be somewhere nobody is around because there is a chance I will cry, quite a high one too which is pissing me off just thinking about it lol but I do hope this all sorts itself out, I dont want to lose her but it is up to her at this stage, how far will she go to keep me? If I was to answer that I'd sadly have to say I wouldn't see her going to great lengths.. but I'd like to have some hope, after all she handled the Louis situation extremely well EVENTUALLY! but she did it to absolute perfection when she did and I am thankful for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 Entry #33 7th March 2016: - The Return of Alex After waking up, I had gotten a response from Nicola about the "We need to talk" situation. She was pretty worried judging from her responses, very unlike how she usually types that is for sure. I had set it up, she asked if I was free on Monday at any time, I told her I had a Physics exam which started at like 1 until 2pm so she asked could we meet and talk about it at 2pm so. That was settled and by God, my nerves went sky rocket. I began to panic and my mind was getting a little disorientated from the thought of the whole thing. What would happen? would I be forced to break up with her today? I really, truly didn't know what to expect. I went to the labs and began to do Physics, Ciara was there but only for an hour, we didn't talk too much as we were both fairly busy. Before I knew it I had a message request on Facebook, it was from Alex Boston's alt account. A recap on who Alex is for those who don't know or have forgotten, he is the shithead who caused all the drama with Demi back in late July/August which ultimately lead to mild depression, anxiety and major trust issues. He had messaged me, saying "hi". I thought, oh great! here we go again, more bullshit and drama in my life. I asked him what the hell he wanted and why did he message me? and why on Earth he had followed me in the past on Facebook when he knows I dislike him a lot. He said Demi told him to share something so he went on his alt account to do it but then saw our old group messages and said he was feeling nostalgic. Cry me a fucking river like, lol you fucked it up! Get over yourself. As I was about to cut the conversation short he stopped me, saying he didn't believe what Demi said happened regarding the events of the break up. I told him it was a long story and I hadn't really the time but at the same time, I wanted to clear a few things up with messages and proof. I told him the entire Ryan scenario, how she went about the situation and how the claims that I "Called her every name under the sun" and "Blackmailed" her were either false or entirely exaggerated. After giving him a quick enough synopsis of what happened he told that he believed it, He told how Demi can lie a lot and exaggerate the truth by any means necessary to cover her own ass, pathetic really that even her friends and even somebody like Alex was able to see through her mask. A mask I used to try and convince myself in the past wasn't there, or could be easily taken off. I asked him who sent him to message me, he told me nobody had and I don't know if I quite believe that, he said more than a few negative things about Demi that it was either confidential or a total set up, either way I couldn't care less if she saw what I said or not. After talking for it a bit I told him how it was ultimately, the best thing that has happened to me and has definitely changed me for the better, regardless of the hurt and the amount of adaptations I have had to made to my daily routine, in the end it worked out quite nicely.. I think He also told me that her mood changes from day to day, sometimes she speaks about how much she hates me and hates Nicola for stealing me, which is kinda ironic seeing how Demi fucked it all up but then other days she would be remorseful and blame herself for everything that had happened, as she should! I found out, from Alex that Demi is going to see a therapist over the entire thing and other problems. Initially when I heard it I scoffed, pathetic! She brought it all upon herself and thought it out quite well too, she had no reason to be remorseful. My initial thoughts were good, she can go fucking die for all I care at this point. Then it hit me, a sadness and I began to think how much I had truly failed her. I failed to break her out of the cycle she was in and not only that, I had made her worse. A shame really, I wanted to believe she could change, I wanted to think she was different to the people around her but at the end of the day she became the epitome of scum in Sunderland. A dreadful and bleak end to a girl who could have been saved from such a fate. After a bit I went to my Physics exam, it was quite ugly... I didn't enjoy it at all... I met up with Nicola afterwards, she looked kinda sad, a little scared too, as if she was expecting major shit to go down but I confronted her about it, I asked her what was up and whether or not she was having second thoughts and what-not about the relationship. Initially she said no straight away, I pushed 2 or 3 more times and told her to be fully honest with me but she stood her ground with her first answer, she explained how there was this one project that was consuming all of her time blah blah so then I walked her back to her house and waited around to be collected. It was a huge relief and all evening she spoke to me relatively frequently. She told me how she knew I was pissed off so would choose not to respond somedays because she wasn't in the mood to deal with it. That annoyed me because the reason I was pissed off to begin with was because of how much she was ignoring me over the past two weeks. I also had a fight with Kat, she told me she was on brb to get food, no sign of her for 2 hours. I then went on YoWorld to talk to a friend and there is Kat, she was on the entire time and when she joined me I told her about it and it pissed me off a lot. We were both ignoring each other on YoWorld for the evening until her friend played peace maker and kinda helped us make up. I went to be relatively early last night and the conversation with Alex died out naturally. I figured, over speaking about Demi once again the nightmares would start to kick in again, luckily for me they didn't. I was happy with that and I've accepted it, that I am finally over her completely. She holds no control over my heart any longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Share Posted March 9, 2016 Past Preservation #16: 26-30th December 2015: - The Force is With Me After the pretty shitty Christmas, my entire attention was focused on Nicola. I was over the point that I was crying and and unable to leave the bedroom. Inspiration hit me, due to the fact I was supposed to originally spend New Years alone in bed watching movies with Demi I decided I would go out with all my friends to celebrate the day, However due to Sam being the idiot he can be, he decided to give his couch to Dan and Jess for New Years despite me and Nicola being promised it before them. Now we had nowhere to stay, so I said I would ask Niall could we borrow his apartment and bed just for New Years day so we had a place to sleep and what-not. When I asked him he was a little reluctant, I didn't want to ask but I felt like he was nice enough to help me out and give me his place for the night. Due to Star Wars Episode VII being in cinemas and not yet seeing it I thought I would bring Niall to the cinema with myself and Nicola so he could come down from his place and give us his keys to his apartment. As the day approached, the 29th of December he was reluctant about coming down due to massive storms Ireland was experience during Winter 2015. Probably the worst weather I've seen in all my life in Ireland, it was insane to be fair! We got a little angry at Niall for trying to bail out at the last moment as at this point, without Niall's apartment we had nowhere to stay which would really suck because then we couldn't exactly go out for New Years. Luckily for us, Niall gave in. I initially felt a little bad but then I thought back at how much of his bullshit I had to deal with and him constantly acting as a 3rd wheel and a cock block whenever I was trying to spend time with Nicola in the past, it really bothered me to be honest, so I said I'd consider this favour done by him as making us even. It was now the 29th and the weather was shocking, we went and saw Star Wars Episode VII. I'll give my synopsis on the movie under spoiler tags for anybody who is bothered to read it. Ok, I'll start from the beginning and progress through the story first and go on from there to be nit picky. The story starts off strong, slightly mimicking the start of Episode IV only presenting the story's villain in a far more cruel and darker light than Vader was. Kylo Ren started off as an extremely bad ass, fearless and intimidating character. He orders the slaughter of civilians due to their leader's refusal to cooperate and also demonstrates a supreme knowledge of the dark side of the force, being able to materialise blaster shots and freeze them in time, something that has not been demonstrated by any other Jedi or Sith. I know a lot of people complain about this fact due to blaster shots being energy, however the way I interpreted it was that he used the force to freeze the energy in place, he did not stop it, he froze it, that can be seen when he releases the hold on the blaster shot it travels at the exact same speed as it was before it was frozen, the energy would have been lost if it was stopped entirely. I found that to be extremely cool. I found Poe Dameron to be the only decent new character on the good side. Finn really did nothing for me, he was sort of only there as a character who coincidentally managed to be convenient for the rest. Oh and Rey... do not even get me started. I was really pissed off how she was able to master a lightsaber almost instantaneously, calls the Millennium Falcon a piece of shit only to praise the shit out of it when she finds out what it is only to act like its the best starfighter ever based upon its background and name only, ignorant little bitch. I also hated how fast she learnt the force, yes yes I know there are excuses that its her bloodline, she is extremely force sensitive and what-not but that really doesn't cut it for me. Even the best Jedis both in the Old Republic, The Clone Wars and during the rise and fall of the Galactic Empire had to undergo years of training to become legendary Jedi and those were the best of the best. It really annoyed me how she was able to literally have the skills of a Jedi Knight at the very minimum by the end of the film, not cool at all. I really got annoyed by that, Regardless of Kylo Ren being wounded during the final fight they made him go from being a total bad ass to a pussy who couldn't even easily beat a Stormtrooper wielding a lightsaber Even this guy was a more skilled fighter if you compare him vs Finn and Kylo Ren vs Finn! pathetic to say the least. Also the idea of a large Death Star-like planet? boring to say the least. Extremely lacking creativeness and it just feels like a poor excuse to try hit the fan's nostalgia drive (yes, that was a shameless reference to Steins;Gate lol ). I wasn't very impressed by that. Overall I did love the movie and it really does set up well for Episode VIII, however I am expecting bigger and better things from it now and for Kylo Ren to redeem himself. Anyways, after the movie we headed out and got Pizza before getting the bus back to Nialls, I felt kinda bad because myself and Niall were having this nerdgasmic talk about Star Wars and its expanded lore and Nicola was just walking beside us in an awkward silence kinda like "I have no idea what is going on..." lol. When we got back to Nialls he gave us his apartment key, Oh! forgot to mention! Niall presumed we were only staying the night for New Years then leaving in the morning, It wasn't like that at all. We waited for Niall to go and drive out the gates before rushing up to the apartment and fully exploiting it to our advantage. I had to dish out countless of lies and fibs to my mother about where I was staying etc. and that was really exhausting gathering proof, my parents are extremely clever and it really takes careful and thoughtful pre-planning in advance to even have a hope of outsmarting them, luckily for me I have a knack for it otherwise my balls would have been busted years ago Myself and Nicola were in Niall's bed pretty excited that we got away with it! We watched a few things, had chicken balls and.... bam! Niall's toilet was clogged, ugh! we didn't do it it was him! We had to resort to.... Peeing in his shower it was quite funny actually, we'd have the water running hard and I'd be peeing in the drain while Nicola had to squat then house it down afterwards I am laughing just thinking back on it. It was only 2 more days to New Years Eve, quite exciting! The plan in the back of my head thanks to Emma and Sam and my friends for all the support, was to ask Nicola out as my girlfriend on New Years. It was a little nerve wrecking but that was the plan! I was really looking forward to it. I went home late enough that day and while my mom wasn't fully trusting my side of the story, she bought it. Well.. for the time being at least. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) Entry #33 9th March 2016: - The Break Up Sorry I haven't gotten the chance to write in this a while, I've been helping my younger sister Samirah with her maths, going to university each day and preparing for my holiday in Greece to go visit Sharmila with my family. Since my last entry, things haven't been too eventful. I thought my talk with Nicola went well but evidently it had not. Yesterday evening Nicola messaged me saying "Louis unfriended me". Now obviously, I couldn't give a shit, if anything I have to say I smiled at the message and thought to myself "good riddance". I told Nicola that is was good that the wanker finally fucked off. This is how the conversation went down ultimately. That is everything that happened. I didn't know what to feel initially, It was my first time not crying over a break up which is slightly worrying, not even a tear, I didn't feel too sad either which is more than a little worrying if you knew me personally. I am quite an emotional person and I get attached easily, I would definitely pin it down as my biggest flaw without a shadow of a doubt. However this time, nothing... emptiness.. anger...? I guess was one of the feelings, To be honest after the Demi break up I don't think anything well ever come close to that, I'd hope not anyway. Maybe I am growing immune to this? I'd like to grow immune to it in a way but at the same time I didn't want to go through this ever again so I guess that really sucks that I have to so soon but it was inevitable. I should have expected it and went with my gut instinct back in January and called things off, however at the same time, It wasn't a heavily invested relationship so there isn't really any ultimate loss to it. I did think the Demi card was a low blow, it didn't affect me as much as it would have a few weeks/months back but I did see what she was going for, to her, she was hurt by all this so wanted me to hurt more and to be honest I really couldn't give 2 shits about that right now. 168 hours in a week and she cannot spare 2-3 of those? Petty, simply petty! I guess I'll enjoy the single life while it lasts. I guess that is how everything has to fall into place. A few months back, I was fighting so hard to keep Demi and Nicola as my best friends and now look at it all, I've lost both of them. I guess this is punishment. I know it is, it isn't a doubt in my mind anymore. This is what a normal person would call, "karma". Edited March 25, 2016 by Shakilrahman96 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 Entry #34 10th March 2016: - 2 Birds 2 Stones Looking back at a few months ago, its kinda funny how hard I was trying to keep both Demi and Nicola in my life, I always suspected that I would end up losing one of them as a friend to be quite honest. Two? nah... that was just being extremely unfortunate but it was definitely a doubt in my mind. Yesterday I went into university did some work and what-not. Nicola hadn't written back from the day before and to be honest it didn't really bother me. I met up with Niall from 2pm-2:30pm because he kept asking was I around and I had to explain why I wasn't near the Elec CAD Labs. Main reason was due to Nicola being around there which would have pissed me off to see her stupid face. After a bit my parents collected me and Niall was on my side, I had shown him the message and he brought up an excellent point. He said how he was in his final year, a mature (well should be mature) young man, who most likely will be getting a job and moving a way this Summer. He has plenty of friends around the place, yet he is so persistent and determined to be friends with a 2nd year girl he met on a night out? Yeah... I am sorry to say but Nicola has proven to be a new breed of stupid if she is gullible to believe it is friendship he is after, the very fact people like Sam and Niall are able to see right through this yet Nicola remains oblivious to it and can let our relationship and friendship go to shit over him proves she isn't intelligent at any rate, she can learn off things by heart pretty well. Wow.. big deal, not going to do you much good when you have the fucking brain of a pea when it comes to people. I met up with Sam after and had a burrito, we didn't really talk about the Nicola situation because to be honest, I am not exactly upset over it and thinking about how much of a bitch she is really was pissing me off, in fact, I am struggling to write in this diary lately due to how angry over the whole situation. I was going to a meeting at 6-9:30pm later on about studying abroad but I got the information I needed by 7:30pm so we went home and I was at home by 8:30pm. I was home for about that time and when I got home I saw something that really angered me. Ciara messaged me and told me I should try sort it out, she said it wasn't a good enough reason to break up with somebody especially seeing how we were friends and to be quite honest, if this was a few months ago I would have made 100% sure things got sorted however after the Demi situation, like I warned everyone after it happened. My tolerance is an all time low, tread on me and learn the hard way, I am not as forgiving as I once was that is for sure. I've no reason to invite negative people back into my life who have nothing to offer but stress and sadness. It wasn't long before it came up on my home page that Nicola was friends with Louis again on Facebook. I had a few friends ask me what the fuck was she doing back friends with him and the only possible reason is after he deleted her on Facebook, she got butt hurt and her ego was clearly too big to shrug it off and get on with her life that she had to message him, obviously bitch about me and mention how we weren't together anymore and like a snake in the grass he slithered his way once again back in. Essentially, I am dealing with another brain dead idiot. I made up my mind in almost a split second, I honestly wanted nothing to do with Nicola anymore even on a friendship based level. I know what kind of girl she is, she's pissed off with me so she thinks getting with a guy will be good revenge lol, that is how her mind tends to work sadly. Unfortunately for her, no it will not piss me off in the way she would like me to, I will just take it as the ultimatum and never consider taking her back as a girlfriend. I deleted her off Facebook and if she dares to message me I am seriously going to tell her to go fuck herself because I have no interest anymore, she ruined it entirely at this point. What I do regret is ignoring my instinct, I got bad vibes since the night of New Years Eve after something happened which I will discuss in later past preservations but I'll break down the red flags here. Kissing Megan on New Years Eve Getting mad that Louis ignored her while I was next to her Deciding to start texting him again after this and on the same day my dog had to be put to sleep and telling me in the middle of it Refusal to stop talking to him Promising to stop talking to him only to continue Not making 2-3/168 hours a week of time to spend with me, busy or not that is fucking bullshit. This So yea, for a 2 month lasting relationship she made it incredibly shitty from start to finish and I didn't enjoy it whatsoever. By far the worst relationship I had to date, not to mention the shortest one. Our mindsets and views collide too much, she thinks being a slut is acceptable because everybody is doing it, I tried explain the difference between morality and conformity but she just doesn't get it, Not all my fault though, her friends are fucking hoochers and whores so I guess what was I honestly expecting? I plan on moving on fast and not giving a shit and that is working quite well for me right now to be quite honest, I feel any feeling and bit of respect I had for Nicola has been entirely extinguished in a matter of hours from what she said to me and what she has done. If she thinks I am crying for her, missing her or even regret any of this I don't. I don't plan on having a girlfriend anytime soon but its extremely obvious Kat likes me, she is very pretty too so I think I might consider that all depending on what she is like face to face. So I do hope on visiting her during the Easter break with Sam and his girlfriend and we can see where things go from there! I've lost nothing but bad company and in return, gained peace of mind. What should I be sad about? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 12, 2016 Author Share Posted March 12, 2016 Entry #35 12th March 2016: - Greece Tomorrow! I haven't gotten a lot of time to write in this lately, mainly due to the lack of motivation I feel in my life right at the moment. It is good to say though, this is the fastest I've ever gotten over a break up to date. I mainly think it is due to the fact of the incident with Demi, I have become so immune to this shitty behaviour that it is almost as if I am wearing impenetrable armour. Half the things Nicola said to me would have really, really hurt the old me, like a lot. Yet I found myself laughing as I read her responses, feeling no sadness, It was almost just a shock and when the shock died down. I was over it in a flash. I think the reason for it is because I saw it coming from a long time and I should have taken my own advice to end the relationship a long time ago back when she began texting him in the first place again. Today I woke up and I've been speaking to my friend Kat a lot lately, all my friends like Sam & co. are really busy of late so I had to just entertain myself by replaying Batman: Arkham Origins as well as YoWorld and watching Batman movies and feature length animations to pass the time. Emma and Sam are both interested in meeting Kat, so the 3 of us plan on going to Dublin for a weekend to hang out with her. It is a really exciting thought! To meet yet another online friend in person. Her webcam broke the other day so today she went out and bought a new one just so we could Skype tonight. Oreo had to be dropped off to a woman who is minding him for 10 days, she loves cats and she used to look after our old cat puss a long time ago so we do trust her a lot. After we dropped off Oreo my dad decided to bring us to KFC and got us food, it was a nice treat and I had ice cream for the first time in what feels like years, however has only been a couple of weeks. When I got home I planned to Skype Kat, however a mutual friend of ours pissed me off and got me irritated on YoWorld, so I ended up leaving which upset Kat and got her mad with him. This resulted in us not Skyping and her going offline for the night which is a bit of a bummer but it is quite alright, another day will do. My flight is at 5pm tomorrow evening, I probably won't get a chance to update this until I get to Greece however I do plan on writing entries that will be ready to post when I get online again! not to mention I will take a lot of pictures sooner or later for this diary which will be nice! plenty of nice pictures I hope! I'll also try wrap up the Nicola story pronto. Kinda sad how its called the "Nicola story" now, as if it is just sort of memory of the past when it could have worked if she wasn't so oblivious and self-centered. I guess nothing can be done about that at the end of the day, she is also clearly incapable of saying sorry considering how she has yet to apologise for her trash talk on Thursday night but I guess she is busy being charmed into Louis' pants right about now so good riddance is all I have to say. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 15, 2016 Author Share Posted March 15, 2016 Entry #36 13-15th March 2016: - Thessaloniki & Troubles Didn't have any time to write in this until tonight. I'll start from the flight and onwards. It was Sunday morning, I didn't have a lot of sleep so I was a little tired. We got a taxi from the house to the coach up to Dublin. I was talking to my friend Kat and I wanted to see how much I could trust somebody I met online. She was a really nice girl so I wanted to see how much she could be trusted as a friend. There were 2 things about her I felt were a little risqué so I figured the 3 hour journey up to Dublin airport would be quite the opportune moment. What were the two things you ask? She kept saying she didn't have a snapchat. Yet I noticed in one of the selfies she sent me she had some writing scribbled out at the end which was from the snapchat text. I was kinda put off from that as she kept denying she even had a smapchat. She then sent another pic and this time it had "139" seconds up at the top, I.e. It was another photo from snapchat. The other thing was when you are friends with somebody on YoWorld,Their character becomes linked with their Facebook, however when she added me on Facebook her character wasn't linked. Not a glitch, it simply means she was using YoWorld on another Facebook and it was obvious alone that it is an alt account she has been using already. I asked we and she told me the snapchat pics were off her friends snapchat, she "virtual pinky promised" on that but I have my doubts. Then I asked her about the Facebook because I knew there was literally no possible excuse and she knew it too. She got really flustered and awkward about it and told me that her friends would bully her if they knew she played YoWorld. I confronted this and asked her was she just ashamed to say to her friends that she was friends with me. She said she was more just ashamed of herself, I thought that was a load of nonsense but I was very nice to her and didn't ask any more questions, she seemed to be really shaken that I had pushed it to that point so she told me she needed some time alone to think about thing, made no sense whatsoever to me but I let her off. I arrived at the Airport and had Burger King with my family. The first flight was from Dublin to Istanbul. It was a 4hr 30 minute flight but they had all the Star Wars movies on the airplane so I watched Episode 7 again and after hearing a lot of hype about Big Hero 6 I gave it a try, hated it to say the least. Put up a status expressing that opinion and the response was mixed. The wait in the Istanbul airport was for 8 hours. I hadn't much sleep at this point and I was a little cheesed off and stressed thinking about Kat, I knew by the way she acted I hit a nerve or two and she wasn't impressed by that, I felt she was trying to hide something which I think is silly because I really don't understand what she could be hiding. Maybe she has a boyfriend she is hiding? I don't know honestly haha that is the only thing I can possibly think of because she did flirt with me a lot lately so maybe she is worried about that I don't know, my guess is as good as anyone's. Istanbul's airport was insanely expensive, $4 for a 330ml can of soda, $20 for a main course, just absolutely insane money and that was the average price. I wasn't hungry anyway, just very tired so I slept on the airport chairs for a few hours until the flight, it was a little restless and what-not but the flight from Istanbul to Thessaloniki was only an hour and a half and we would be there at 9am in the morning. We got a coffee and met up with my sister and then to the apartment we were staying in. It is located downtown Thessaloniki. This is the view from our apartment. It is the Arch of Galerius, very historical and fascinating landmark. We walked around and just familiarised ourselves with the place for the first day. We then went to a restaurant and I got deep fried calamari and it was very delicious! the food here is very good. I understand squid isn't exactly to everyone's liking and my mom, my sisters and her friend were almost gaggin while I was eating it! Afterwards we walked down by the sea front and went to go get dessert, the cakes, ice creams and dessert items here are amazing and it is so tempting to eat at every place, I don't think i've seen, smelled or tasted better desserts in all my life. After taking a while to decide what I wanted, I finally settled for a waffle with strawberry cheesecake ice cream. It was €5 which is a standard price in Ireland for a small-medium waffle so I was expecting it to be that size. Instead I got this, a colossal waffle the size of a plate which was enough to feed 4 people, the picture doesn't do it justice but here it is! Afterwards we went back to the apartment and I spoke to Kat and my friends back in Ireland, she was acting funny with me so I said it straight to her and told her if she had a problem say it to me. She wouldn't say so I just stopped responding to her, I really couldn't be too pushed to keep friends anymore so I wouldn't see it as a loss at the end of the day. I went to bed for the night and woke up next day, we planned on going to the Museums in the area the next day, so that is what he did. We got up next day, I had a shower and got breakfast. Well "breakfast" being a strawberry milkshake and a cookie but it was still nice. My sister's friend Ria told us she would give us the history of the place, so she came along and she was very nice. We went to the Arch of Galerius and the Rotunda and visited the sites of the old palace he lived in. Very interesting history, recommend reading it if you have any interest in all that stuff. (inside the Rotunda) Afterwards we visited the Archaeological Museum of Thessaloniki and the Byzantine Museum as well. I'd love to upload and show all the pictures but I don't want the diary to be congested with too many photographs. We got food afterwards and headed out again in the evening, my parents got me some nice new clothes to wear too however they are fighting with my sister because she left us alone to go out with friends. So things are beginning to get pretty tense. Annoying to say the least but hardly surprising, every holiday regardless of its duration or location, they find a way to spoil it. I however, am going to enjoy it while I can and ignore their stupidity for the time being. I also have to sleep on the couch which is a sofa bed but they just stay in the room winging and whining all fucking day so I cannot even relax its beginning to piss me off big time. I do hope tomorrow is as fun and eventful as the previous two, however that is doubtful... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 17, 2016 Author Share Posted March 17, 2016 Entry #36 16-17th March 2016: - Lá Fhéile Pádraig Yesterday I did fuck all in Greece (16th), we walked around by the sea side, got food, ate ice cream etc. It was nothing worth writing about. I did however speak to Kat. It was a pretty romantic talk to be quite honest lol we were on the game we met on and I was talking to my friend Bailey, Kat joined the place where we were at and it was a little awkward seeing how we weren't talking but she told me she wanted to talk to me in private and told me how I was feeling. I told her I was a little upset and pissed off that she had acted funny with me over me asking her questions and she said that she felt like shit for not fighting for me? she said that she really liked me and she didn't want to give up on me. I think it is the first time in my life I've not had to chase a girl and beg for forgiveness. It was a nice feeling, a really, really nice feeling. She also always calls me handsome never was called that so frequently by any of my exes so its a nice feeling and she doesn't call me it back you know? its not like I'm calling her beautiful and she responds with handsome, she says it of her own will which is really sweet. I woke up this morning and I had a voice message from her, it made my day to be honest it was just her saying "Happy St.Patricks day!" and then she did a blowing a kiss noise too lol I was blushing like crazy from that alone haha. Today was quite eventful, I woke up, spoke to Kat a little bit and then we went out to get breakfast. I had pizza and a banana and nutella crepe it was great! we then met her Turkish friend who's name I can neither spell or recall but he was pretty nice, I liked him! We went down to the seafront and we planned to go on a boat cafe. We went on it and it was like a boat that went out to the sea and around the harbor of Thessaloniki for 35-45 minutes. It was a nice view and a very nice experience. (The interior of the boat) I also took a picture of myself because the Sun was shining for the first day since we've been here, I'm very squinty so sorry about that! but this was me earlier on today, it was a little breezy today but the sun provided a mild warmth, it was quite nice. Afterwards we visited and went inside the White Tower of Thessaloniki, a very, very cool and historical place! not to mention the view from the top of it was amazing! I really liked it. It is also a suicide hot spot, it was closed for a few months due to this but they reopened it to the public again which is good because it really is an amazing place to go to see. Afterwards we went and ate food at a place called "Le Poulet", it was great! afterwards Sharmila had to meet up with her Erasmus buddy for something so we went back to the apartment for a bit for a rest, we headed back out again at around 5pm and went to "The Dubliner", it was an Irish Bar & Restaurant and being Irish and it being St.Patrick's day why not sure?!? It was pretty freezing at this point but Sharmila's Turkish friend and this time, her Finnish friend also tagged along and I spoke to them both for a good bit and we mostly discussed food, ice cream flavours, alcohol blah blah blah! Sharmila had to meet up with her buddy again, my parents are fascinated with her and said she would be the ideal "daughter-in-law" so they kept making faces at me which made me feel a little awkward and get annoyed at the same time. Then she decided to talk to me and ask me how my day was, did I do much and was I enjoying myself and that ended up making me get all tense and go red which was annoying but I guess that is parents for you right?! Afterwards we went and got food, it was quite nice! I've been drinking a lot of Peach Ice Tea lately, I am kinda addicted to it its very nice! After the food we headed back up to the apartment to eat only to hear Kat's best friend Emily got knocked over by a car, she's in the hospital now with her but I do hope she pulls through, I don't know her well, in fact at all but its horrible to hear things like that happen despite not having the best impression of Emily, I think you'd have to be a total scumbag in my books to deserve that sort of accident and I don't think I'd ever want to hear anyone got hit by a car. Its a traumatic thing nonetheless. I'm pretty tired now so I think I'm going to call it a night for the time being, enjoyed today overall though. Think I will keep Kat company until she has to go, fingers crossed the news is good. Kat is bad enough as is, her parents are dead and she doesn't seem overly happy so if her best friend dies too I don't see her taking it too well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 Hey! Haven't updated this in a while, just been busy with the holiday and what-not, I'll make sure to write in this again soon! I haven't forgotten about it just I've been pretty busy, I do have news and plenty of pictures to share! I just need the time and a good place to relax and write in this, anywhere other than my bed back in Ireland just doesn't seem to fit quite right for some reason! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 28, 2016 Author Share Posted March 28, 2016 Entry #37 17-25th March 2016: - The Holiday I haven't had a lot of time to write in this lately, mainly due to laziness, fatigue and little time spent on the laptop. For those who check my PSN Profile you'll see I haven't earned a trophy in almost 2 months now, which is kind of scaring me seeing how I don't feel bad about it whatsoever, nor do I have any interest in returning to the gaming scene any time soon. I think maybe a break is good for me, I go through certain moods and I do believe its only a matter of me sitting down, picking up a good game and getting completely hooked on it because its the initiation that always seems to slow me down, once I get the motivation to do something I always pull through. Right! so I'll pick up where I left off and go from there. The remaining days in Thessaloniki were spent doing a number of things, we went on a bus tour around the entire city which was actually very scenic and beautiful, we ate out every day and I also met Sharmila's Erasmus buddies, all of which were incredibly nice and down to earth people, there was not one of them I got a bad initial vibe about which is awfully surprising since I am a very doubtful person of people unless they prove to me otherwise, While I do trust my gut I do admit I ignore it often, in hopes it may be wrong about a particular person. Unfortunately yet fortunately for me at the same time, it has yet to have proven false. Most mornings I got crepes or these things called Pita Gyros, they were kebab styled things with meat and fries stuffed into it with a nice refreshing sort of mustard inside. Very delicious and cheap, nice snack food during the day. Helping my parents manage with heavy suitcases during those few days and them somehow seeing my scrawny physique got them an idea into their head. They told me how I was exceptionally strong for what I look seeing how I am literally a skeleton with flesh slapped right onto it due to the inability to gain weight which I blame entirely on my metabolism (I am beginning to think it is an underlying stress and anxiety problem but that is mere speculation). I've decided for this entry I will just add the pictures at the end of this entry and say what each one is just for the sake of easy reading. We began going out every evening having meals with Sharmila, my family and her friends who slowly became people I opened up to as well. I do wish I had more time to get to know them but they are all invited and welcomed to come to Ireland and stay at our house any time. I find it sad thinking it would be the last time I ever see them in my life, I don't like thinking that way so I do believe I will see them again. There was no real news other than a standard, relaxing day-to-day routine. I did however spend my nights in Thessaloniki up quite late at night due to the time zones with my Irish friends, I also have been speaking to Kat a lot recently, We've gotten pretty close and we were speaking every night. Ill discuss all the news with her below. The journey back to Ireland was well.. tiring as usual to say the least, long waits, lots of travelling and no sound night's rest in what was now 10 days. I brought my Vita along with me but didn't even touch it, mainly due to the fact I was constantly occupied when over there. One silly thing I will also miss about over there is how widely available Peach Ice Tea is, God dammit I love that drink, its like my new thing. Not to mention it seems like a healthier alternative to drinking all that coca cola and fanta shit, though it probably really isn't at a simple look at the ingredients I'll keep this post strictly Thessaloniki and I'll spend the next few days getting this thread up to speed, By tomorrow I should be caught up enough to hopefully continue onto the next past preservation and wrap up my Nicola story seeing how all that does is leave a bitter taste in my mouth but it wouldn't be a complete story without the events leading up to the downfall am I right? WHITE TOWER -THESSALONIKI WHITE TOWER (TOP) VIEW OF SEAFRONT Meal with Sister and friends and Le Poulet! a chicken restaurant! PIGEON SWARM IN ARISTOTELOUS SQUARE ISTANBUL NIGHT LIFE FROM PLANE WINDOW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 29, 2016 Author Share Posted March 29, 2016 Entry #38 26-27th March 2016: - I Hate Night Life Easter Sunday, it was a day I was dreading for several reasons. Nothing to do with the fact it was a religious holiday but more so the fact that Sam and my friends were ushering and pressuring me to go out that night to our friend Christian's 21st birthday party. I really, truly, didn't want to go out whatsoever. Myself, Kat, Sam and Emma now have our own group chat, I know exactly how that looks and I know it seems like our own little couple group chat but I actually made it initially to introduce her to Sam, I was nervous and worried at the start but they like her and she gets along with them so that is a major relief. Anyways, I was thinking about the idea of going out and I really wasn't feeling it. Sam and Emma were dying for me to join them but I didn't want to be a 3rd wheel for like the entire day and night AND next morning so the idea was really off putting like. I thought about how Megan would be all over me, How I'd have to see Cieran's face and deal with Kenza, who is the most flirtatious and horny drunk I've ever come across, the thought of all that just made me feel sick. I had a bad feeling about the whole scenario but before I knew it I was in the car on the way to Sam. I figured I could convince him to stay behind and we could chill and watch movies with Emma, like the ultimate cock block I was going to be that night Emma liked the idea but Sam felt bad for bailing out on Christian so we ended up going anyways. I bought credit for my phone so I could have internet and message Kat seeing how I kinda promised her I wouldn't be heading out but did at the last minute, she didn't mind because she was ushering me to go out with them as well because she said I never go out and have fun or enjoy myself. Ugh, wasn't long before Cieran and a girl called Sarah showed up, she looks like a trashy hooker you'd see on the side of the street and she is constantly riding guys and cheating on her boyfriend, I really hate associating myself with these sort of people. Not to mention they both smoke so I was literally suffocating in the room. Kat was acting a little funny, to be honest I could feel she was worried about what I had said about Kenza and Megan in the past. I stole Sam's signature "wigger" hat and took a selfie The party started from 8pm and lasted until 1am, it was now 11pm and we hadn't even left Sam's house yet, Emma and Sarah were taking forever to get ready and Kat's friends dragged out out on a night out too at the very last second. She was back within 2 hours though and way before me, we got back at around 2:30am after we got food and it began... Kenza was right up in my face, linking and holding onto my arm and when I was telling her to go away and started to even run she was running after me It was kinda scary to say the least, not to mention Megan kept hitting me and poking my ass with a plastic knife and giggling .... yea I really don't know nor do I want to think about it. We got back and locked Kenza, Megan and Sarah outside and I began to push both the couches together. I figured I would tell Kat how the night went seeing how she'd find out sooner or later from Sam and Emma so I told her and she got really mad and upset that Kenza and Megan were acting like that. I told her not to worry because I handled it and I don't entertain their flirting so nothing would ever happen, not to mention my parents don't like Megan that much so I'd be battered blue if I was to try anything, not that I would. Hold me to that!!! I promise you I wouldn't even give it a 2nd thought, ugh... no... just no. Kat told me she needed a moment to calm down and came back on after 20 minutes, we began talking normally and she told me she would be right back. 50 minutes later, nothing.. it was now 2:30am and Sam and Emma had gone to bed and I was getting snapchats from Tarissa, a girl who is Kat's friend and my friend too. She asked me what I was up to and I told her I was just going to bed but was waiting for Kat first and she was like "But shes online....? playing YoWorld..?". That made me snap but I didn't take it at face value, I went online and saw her on. I joined her and told her " 'brb' is it? dont bother messaging me again I'm sick of your shitty acting" and got offline. Next minute my phone was blowing up with messages from her telling me how sorry she was and she just didn't feel like talking to me yet over the Megan and Kenza thing, which angered and hurt me even more. I was trying to be honest, if she had found out what they were doing from somebody else and not me how fucking shitty and sneaky would that end up looking? like honestly, not cool at all, not cool!. Now I know those who actually bother to read all the crap I talk about are probably thinking, you're going out with her already Shakil? wow.... So I'll clarify, no we are not going out, nothing official however we both like each other a lot but due to the fact she lives 2.5 hours away we are seeing how it all goes, like, not rushing into anything and I am still figuring out because clearly 3 years and a year and a half friendship with Nicola and Demi wasn't fucking enough to see that they didn't give half a shit about me, so I am taking it cautiously. She eventually sent me a voice note of her bawling crying saying how sorry she was and she didn't mean to ignore me and she got jealous and she was calling herself a "shit girlfriend" and all this stuff so that hit me hard. I kinda felt I was being a little too angry over something that wasn't that big of a deal to begin with. We sorted it out and it felt nice, I'm so used to people just giving up on me the moment things get rough, I push them away hoping they'll fight to stay but instead they let themselves get pushed back and they walk away, everything they felt for me becomes nothing, they don't think of me, they don't remember a single thing about me because they can move on fast because they were never really attached to begin with. So, its nice to feel something I hadn't felt since Demi was younger and, well, genuinely in love with me back when she was 14-15. Things changed as you well know but yeah, it felt good, it felt good to be cared about to be honest. We went to bed at like 5am that night/morning and I didn't wake up until 12pm next day. Entry #39 28th March 2016: - Anxiety After waking up at 12pm next day, I was talking to Kat while I could just hear screams from Sam's bedroom. "Owwwww EMMA STOP! OOWWWWW STOP IT!!". It was hilarious to be quite frank, they eventually got up out of bed at around 2pm and during that time I was just talking with Kat and having fun, she also enjoys my very very ridiculously shitty sense of humour so that is great and we never run out of things to talk about. We were sending each other voice notes earlier on and laughing about it, she sounds really shy and awkward but in the most adorable way. I have to upload it sometime to give ye a listen, its super sweet to be honest with you. Eventually we finally left the house at 4:30pm to get "breakfast", I went and met up with my family and got a kebab it was delicious as always and then myself and Sam went up to his apartment to get my bag with all my stuff in it. I headed home and went straight up to bed and began speaking to Kat. We were having good fun, I was really enjoying myself then the thoughts kicked in, the uncontrollable thoughts were back. "She's just like the rest, cmon ever think its too good to be true?" "She's going to slowly build you up to trust and love her and then hurt you so badly, run away, run now" "She could be a catfish, maybe you're just being blind to that?" "She said she would never leave but that is what Demi said... and look what that has done to your mind..? destroyed it even until this day!" I began shaking, and found myself breathing heavy unable to do anything, I began feeling this overwhelming anger, It was as if something was there whispering all these negative things into me because for once I felt my gut was calm, I wasn't getting any negative feelings inside myself but these thoughts were flowing in, I didn't know what to do so I did what I could and ran. I felt this overwhelming urge to scream as loud as I could until my voice just went. It never used to happen before, however since August and the incident with Alex I've been getting these.... "fits" a lot more often and they're beginning to really destroy my mental state. I am afraid to tell my friends and family about it, so I come here instead, while I do tell them a great many of things these feelings and fits and overwhelming thoughts of taking my own life are extremely overbearing that sometimes I feel almost seconds away from taking action, last night I did, not because I don't love my life, not because I don't appreciate what I have and acknowledge that I am loved and cared about, its the feelings it causes, they literally feel like torture, they are beginning to hurt, not just emotionally but they are actually beginning to cause this feeling I cannot explain, its like I am almost drowning in my own blood, my brain is about to explode and all I want to do is scream over how horrible the thoughts are. Now while I do say this, I don't see myself ever taking my own life, I am stronger than that although last night was the worst of these attacks I have felt. Too many "what ifs" too many fears about people and myself, I feel worthless and part of me feels I deserve to feel like this, my heart sinks so badly in my chest and I constantly feel like I'm going to get sick but I never told anybody. I thought "Its going to go, its probably a temporary thing" yet it is growing into something so much worse I fear. I find myself feeling sick, as if I cannot take the weight any longer and the thought of potentially getting into something that could definitely finish me off for good makes me really take a step back. No relationships for a while, I need a break, I need time to feel better about myself, I need somebody to help me but don't know who I can turn to because I can never express this feeling unless its through typing. Otherwise I'd just break down and cry and sound extremely inaudible and just end up hugging until the fear goes and I calm down. So yeah, that happened last night, I began looking up what could be the causes for these feelings, or what it is and every search showed up "GAD -Generalised Anxiety Disorder" which kinda pissed me off. You always hear people claiming to have anxiety, as if its something cool, oh look at me! I whine about my anxiety online I'm so fucking edgy notice me Tumblr! accept me for my false self prescribed medical condition! notice me!! and that angers me. I never wanted to ever say in my life I have anxiety but after reading the link above I've been nothing but convinced, every single word of that was relatable, exactly how I feel and its really affecting me on a day to day basis with hobbies, education, social life etc. I find myself only wanting to lie in bed and sleep forever, not to wake up because I'll have to deal with the thoughts again. I decided to listen to the one thing that is able to calm my nerves, no idea why but it works for me like a charm, well.. used to a lot more. It took 5-6 loops for me to finally catch my breath and clear my mind but it worked. Now I'm not strictly religious and I am fucking far from the best follower of my faith but I do find this is the only thing that helps at this point in time and I am content with it, its a simple and quick remedy to something that could develop into something potentially lethal. After calming down myself and Kat went on the group chat and were sending each other voice notes with Sam and Emma occasionally joining in and we did it until 4:30am in the morning. It was really fun and Kat was saying the sweetest things, It really cheered me up. I'm just going to take a breather for today and try clear my mind of all negative thoughts, focus on the present and things what are written in stone because all these negative thoughts are potential possibilities, however they are unlikely ones. That being said I shall remain vigilant and figure out things more for myself before I dive into any sort of relationship again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted March 30, 2016 Author Share Posted March 30, 2016 (edited) Entry #40 29-30th March 2016: - Forgetting the Past I didn't write in this yesterday because well, nothing really happened. I kind of just sat in bed all day, I did do a maths assignment. My father was going back to work, he won't be back until the end of May which.. wow, is a long time away when I think about it. I hate when he goes, especially for my mother's sake. You can just see the life and soul just get sucked right out of her. She stays up late and has restless nights too and sleeps heavily in the morning without him. I do wish they'd take my advice and Skype a bit more, I think it would really help but they stick to messaging each other on Whatsapp and phoning each other. Speaking of which, I really need to get Whatsapp. All my family and friends use it and barely any of them use Facebook Messenger anymore so its becoming a little bit of an inconvenience. Anyways, I went to bed pretty early last night, I was just talking to Sam, Emma and Kat last night which was pretty fun until Kat went to her friend's sleepover so bleh! it was kinda boring with her messaging seldom so I went to bed at midnight. I keep having rather strange dreams involving Megan which are beginning to annoy me. In these dreams, she tries to have sex with me.... its really weird, I am trapped in a room with her and she is quite aggressive and persistent, in one of the dreams I almost went for it but I remember thinking "What about Kat??!?" and I snapped at megan in the dream telling her to fuck off and to let me out and leave me alone. Last night I had a similar dream only this time I knew straight away to run away from her... I also had a dream that I visited Kat in Dublin, we were both cuddling and playing games on the TV. It was weird, we were playing "The Simpsons: Hit & Run" for the PS2 only the 2 player mode wasn't the crappy race tracks we were given but a duel multiplayer. It was really cool. I would love to see its release on the PS4 to be honest, amazing game! anyways, so we were playing that when this like 6'3 23 yr old looking dirty blonde haired guy comes into the room and looks at me as if he is going to tear my head off and says "What the FUCK do you think you're doing?" before I could even respond I was knocked out with a hard. punch to the face. When I woke up I was brought to an abandoned chemical plant where the guy was dragging me along the floor by the leg telling me how he was going to burn my face off with acid.He hopped through a window to get the stuff to burn my face off but the room was filled with corrosive gas and his face and skin began to peel off and he was roaring that he was going to kill me... I woke up after that thankfully and didn't find out who died at the end, me or him! I spoke to Kat again a lot today and by the evening I had convinced my mom to go the the chipper I wanted to go for for dinner, its been months since I've been there and I've had a huge craving for it so I got it! Fish Supper! just look at it! glorious isn't it? Afterwards I went on YoWorld and spoke to Kat and our friend Tarissa, she said she was a little upset because she was reading over previous messages with her ex boyfriend and remembered how happy she was. He was an asshole so I told her "Delete those messages, stop reading them they're going to destroy you and they're not worth a moment of your time". My own words hit me hard, who the fuck was I to be giving that sort of advice when I have all my messages from Demi on just about every app and website saved and stored away.. I also had a 360 page book I wrote her saying how much I loved her under my book. Part of me wanted to still give it to her but I couldn't, I could never give her the satisfaction of knowing how I really felt. Not after she tore me apart, I just cannot. I took a moment an got offline, I grabbed the book from under my bed and went downstairs quitely. I opened the backdoor and opened the black bin and dropped the book inside, I just dropped it in... I did my best not to think about anything as I did it to prevent me from hesitating but it killed me so much. I came back online and apologised to Tarissa for like... being a hypocrite and all that. I also deleted the messages involving Demi too. I hesitated briefly but they are all gone and with it hopefully I can let go of the past finally Edited April 12, 2016 by Shakilrahman96 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Share Posted April 2, 2016 Entry #41 1st-2nd April 2016: - inSAYN Boredom! Yesterday was April Fools, I didn't make a single joke to absolutely anyone but I did however have an assignment due that day, so I spent most of my time doing that which was a pain in the ass. I was talking to Kat that morning at around 11am-12pm when suddenly she disappeared offline, the last message from her being "I'm glad I have somebody like you". After that, nothing... she wasn't active and I was unable to contact her on anything for hours on end which sucked and worried me a lot, at first I had presumed she had fell asleep, something like that so I kinda just shrugged it off but after several hours passed and there was no news from her I began to worry... just a little. I thought of every single possible situation she could be in as to why she wasn't responding, some which angered me, others which just annoyed me or worried me sick and others that calmed my nerves entirely. It was at 1am I finally heard from her. Her internet at home went down so we went to visit a friend on the bus and she got home the internet was still down and she went out with friends etc. so it was a huge relief to see she was actually safe. Although I did feel like lecturing her a long, pre-written apology I got explaining in detail what had happened let me leave her off the hook for the time being It was a pretty boring day, Sam and Emma weren't responding on the Group chat either and that cheesed me off too so I spent most of it talking to my friend Alessandra off YoWorld. Herself and my other two friends Yuki and Nala were discussing how so many people on YoWorld are full of shit, lies and manipulate others. We each began to test each others deduction skills about certain people and when we shortly realized we all thought similar about several people and wanted to bring them down and expose them we formed our own group. Took us forever to think of a name but we went with "inSAYN". S = Shadow the Assassin (my character) A = Empress Aless (Alessandra's character) Y = Shirayuki the Dark Detective (Yuki's character) N = Nala Morgana: Wolf & Katana (Nala's character) I know... fucking childish, corny as hell and really lame but it was pretty fun! we had a group, a base and we even went to our secret bar and had a toast in honour of the creation of inSAYN. I took a screenshot of it because well.. yeah I wanted to. Afterwards we discussed several targets we planned to expose, the main two being a guy who goes by "Dark Link" and a very infamous and feared ex-roleplayer known as Queen Medici who has gone into hiding yet despite this, I have bumped into a character claiming to be her in disguise only to tell me that same day that she was the successor to Medici and was Medici II, which I believe is a lie. The original Medici = Medici II under a different name, that is all it is. It is obvious be myself and Aless have been gathering evidence against that. Another thing what came up during that day is well.. I am quite positive Aless has the hots for me, she is very sweet and flirty but not in a slutty way towards me and stuff.. its a little awkward seeing how she is one of the few, if not the most trustworthy people on the game so it would be a little awkward if things turned out that way. I went on YoWorld again today and began hearing some rumours I really wish I hadn't, such as one that Raven, aka Demi could have apparently been sleeping around several times behind my back on the site. Not a good thing to know and very upsetting if it were true but at the end of the day nothing I can do about that and it really isn't the worst thing I suppose I spoke to Kat a lot today and we discussed a lot of things as usual, we are getting closer each day but I have an extremely high guard up around her due to several things I feel don't quite add up about her yet. So I am going to wait and see how that goes for the time being. My sister was gone to the funfair today so we went to collect her at 7pm. When she got into the car she offered me some jellybeans! yum! I was delighted. I examined them before putting them into my mouth and took what I thought would be Cola flavoured jelly beans into my mouth.... yeah.. about about one bite I realised it wasn't fucking cola... I couldnt quite distinguish what exact flavour it was until Samirah began laughing her head off. It was dog food flavour... fucking CANNED DOG FOOD flavour. I almost puked and when i got home, gargling my mouth with cherry coke, eating dinner and even using listerine (mouthwash) to get ride of the taste didn't work. It was still there, I couldn't cope with how disgusting it was. I really couldn't stand it. It was pretty funny though, I really found it funny at the time even, just the taste was a little bit too overwhelming. Sam and Kat both went out tonight so myself and Emma were left talking in the group chat about relationships, cheating and how Sam and Kat are so alike and how myself and Emma are so alike. We are like the responsible worriers in the relationships (well im not going out with Kat quite yet but..) and Sam and Kat are the laid back chill party goers lol. Other than that I just had some fun on YoWorld and realised I am back to university this Monday and worst of all, my exams start on the 29th April and end on the 6th May so yeah... quite fun! If you would want to call it that. We shall see how that goes, hopefully alright. Oh! I forgot to mention I've been on the search for a roleplay partner, I've had cravings lately to roleplay so I think I want to get back into it. Listening to this track didn't help the urges either, got me really pumped. I wrote this thread so have a read! if you or anyone you know is interested do let me know I'd love to get into it again. https://www.rpnation.com/threads/looking-for-long-term-roleplay-partner.208759/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Share Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) THANK YOU ALEX Edited September 24, 2017 by Shakilrahman96 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted April 7, 2016 Author Share Posted April 7, 2016 Entry #43 5th-7th April 2016: - Kat Fish As those who have been following this thread are well aware of, I have been speaking to a friend of mine online who went by the name Kat Nolan. Very pretty girl, too good to be true because well, I am honest with myself, I really am. I am not God's gift, I know what is considered to be in my league and she, never for a moment would I have considered her to be on the same bracket as me, miles above myself if I had to be brutally honest, that alone was a suspicion for me. I am debating whether or not to include the entire conversation or not in this post however I think I will, merely for the sake of completion and authenticity. Its a rather interesting story but one I suppose I shall start with right from the beginning to end. I met Kat on YoWorld, a facebook app game. Not a lot of reliable people can be found on it, plenty of drama queens, liars, cheats, catfish etc. So the possibility of finding a decent person even to be a good friend on it is extremely slim. (Warning sign #1). We got closer and became really good friends over the course of the last 2 months. When she added me on Facebook I knew the account was an alt account due to the layout, lack of pictures and real life friends. (Warning sign #2). Then some of the pictures she would send me were taken from Snapchat, an app she promised and swore she did not have (Warning sign #3). Now, I mentioned in older posts how none of these things added up to me along with the fact when I told her I could and would come up to Dublin to see her instantly and she chickened out (Warning sign #4) and that she refused to Skype with a camera and also had an excuse as to why her camera wasn't working etc. for about 6 weeks on end (Warning sign #5 & #6). As the pieces fell into place other smaller lies that just didn't quite add up along with things such as the times she would be busy, the behaviour in which she would act when I would drop hints that I knew exactly that this was just a game to her and worst of all, the real icing on the cake. When she lied about her parents being dead and her best friend dying on St.Patrick's Day (Warning sign #7-9). Things were slowly beginning to piece together, it wasn't taking me too long to put 2 and 2 together. After all I am an engineering student She used to send me voice notes all the time and to catch her out of the spot I used to ask her to send a selfie of where she was etc. and she actually always seemed to have a legitimate selfie for most occasions which, looking back on it was slightly impressive yet at the same time also extremely psychopathic. I mean, sometimes there would be moments she almost convinced me she was genuine, the pieces fit up, we voice called a few times and her voice definitely fit the profile of the facial features of the pictures she was using, it wasn't entirely unusual, a little odd but I always kept it in the back of the mind never to fall for the act. It was important not to. That being said of course, I admittedly couldn't help but crush on Kat a little, well ok... a lot! I thought she was a very, very sweet girl and I did trust her to a certain point, however the constant lies in the past made it always hard to believe even the little things that were true. I was rather skeptical and in the first 5-6 weeks of knowing her I exhausted a lot of my free time and put a lot of effort into exposing who she was, I did however foolishly tell a wrong person that I suspected Kat was a catfish and that ended in an absolute volcanic eruption. It wasn't pretty, not for anybody. In fact, the way Kat reacted was very irrational and defensive causing me to doubt her even more (Warning sign #11). I decided to post pone the intense investigation, I said I'd give her a chance, let her open up and see if she was the slightest bit genuine. Luckily enough for me, her birthday was allegedly coming up. I convinced her that I was going to send her a card and a gift (which was the truth) but I would need her address so I could send it. She gave the address instantly without hesitation, well, ok there was the obligatory "you dont have to get me anything you being my friend is a gift alone" nonsense we all say when he are taken back for the gesture of munificence! This was kinda a backlash to the investigation, she actually was beginning to open up a lot which was a little surprising because I was ready at any given moment to catch her out and expose her to everyone as a fraud and make her hurt badly from it. Yesterday as I spoke to her, I stopped for a second when she told me she had finished work at 1pm that day because she had fainted at her cousin's hairdressing saloon where she worked. Odd.. very odd... Her work lasted 9-4:30pm and she got off and was free the same times that a student in high school would be in Ireland, not to mention 1pm is a half day Wednesday for city schools, living in the place she lived too, this would also be the case, the other fact of the matter was she didn't work a day during the Easter Holidays. I was putting it together piece by piece, I took a deep breath and told myself not to get irrational feelings and infatuation get in the way, I was on a mission and my mission was to see if she was truly genuine. (Warning sign #12,-14). When I got home, I did a little bit of research, due to the fact I like to hold a little bit of secrecy as to how I always expose liars, catfish etc. online I won't go into the inner workings of the research but take my word for it, I am good at these things. In fact, those who knew about my ongoing investigation regarding Kat were amazed by the amount of effort I was going to, saying it was amazing how I was able to get so much information when so little was fed to me. It wasn't long before I came across a girl on Facebook, the one I was looking for. "Hannah Swan". I recognised instantly the style of the page and slowly the moment of dread kicked in... I was dead right, every single part of my research was falling together. I had cracked what to most people would be a near unstoppable catfish and honestly, a large part of me wishes I was wrong and that she was genuine but what can you do? Mission comes first. The cover photos, the writing style, the style of the pictures, everything just had Kat written all over it. I was going to include a picture of what she looks like in this entry yesterday but I figured I would cool down and think things out before I jumped the gun and I am glad I did because I actually feel sorry for her, I managed to contact a close relative of hers (The cousin who's pictures she was using and claiming to be) and managed to squeeze out invaluable information from her. Her parents are alive and well, her friend isn't dead, she isn't 18, she doesn't work at any hair saloon etc. Myself and the "real kat" spoke about it for a short period in time and I told her not to be mad at what Hannah had done, to save her from the embarrassment of being exposed, just as I planned to do. I confronted Kat about it all, to find out something that is, to be quite honest quite upsetting. Kat Nolan is a phantom, she doesn't exist, the girl I was friends with and did admire wasn't real, she was a fabricated myth with a pretty face controlled by a sociopath with a some-what troubled adolescent hood. It was quite intense, a very, very intense confrontation to be quite honest, I was a little calm to begin with, then I got a little too emotional and attacked her and dived straight into it but it needed to be done. Below ive attached the conversation as it went. I will really miss her company, its really sad, if she had told me who she was from the start I would have given her a chance because she's still pretty! not the girl she was saying she was but she still is pretty like, no doubt about that but I don't think I could ever look at her face again knowing she lied about dead parents and a matter of other twisted things any some-what sane person wouldn't do. She lied to everyone of our mutual online friends too however I had messaged her real account today telling her I would not expose her and I would not say a word to anybody about what happened, to come out and open up with the truth herself in her own time but not to dare lead people astray with a false identity. So yeah, RIP Kat Nolan, you're the only person who really died in this wild goose chase over the past 2 months, you were a good friend, fun to talk to and good company alas! Nothing but a phantom, nothing but an illusion and soon, nothing but a distant memory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted April 12, 2016 Author Share Posted April 12, 2016 Entry #43 8-12th April 2016: - Doubts Back to college again since yesterday, I never get a lot of free time to update this anymore, or to play games, or to just about do anything to be quite honest with myself. Makes me wonder if I've actually let myself get hurt a lot more than I should have. It angers me, I feel happy but the moment I am alone I know exactly that isn't true, I'm only content because I am occupied and busy, I have lost the motivation for just about anything, I don't play games anymore, I cannot find the strength to write in this, go out and see friends etc. It is quite upsetting. Its "Kat"'s birthday today, the real Kat aka. Hannah, not Sophie, which brings me to something I've been having doubts about. I'm starting to think Sophie was actually the one behind all this, She spoke very similar to Kat and she randomly blocked me out of the blue after messaging me "Hi..." out of the blue from that account, its unlikely but it is a possibility, I cannot bring myself to tell our mutual friends the truth, they are asking me what happened and why she has completely disappeared off the radar, I have to tell them we had a fight and it upset her so she left, I'm getting a little negative backlash from it but I don't mind it all that much, Sophie/Hannah clearly have some sort of mental illness and if she was to get the abuse I think it could easily lead to suicide on her part so, being a stronger person than her, have decided to take the entirety of the backlash for the time being, that is of course until she decides to fess up for herself which isn't guaranteed so this could end up getting quite messy. Been doing a lot of assignments lately, trying to get them all done and out of the way by this coming Thursday so I can start studying for the Summer exams that are slowly approaching slowly but surely. Been looking for a part-time job too, a guy at the local gas station wants me to come in for an interview so I am a little happy about that, I haven't even handed in a CV anywhere yet so this is promising to begin with, no idea when I'll be going to see him though, maybe tomorrow if I am some-what representable, Been feeling quite lonely a lot lately I have to say however I have been speaking to Sam, Emma and a friend called Alessandra/Alex a lot recently which has been keeping me a little calm. I will try get back to writing in this more frequently even if it is a small entry. Oh! I am also considering going Pesco vegetarian in the next few days. I think it is a good idea, what do you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted April 16, 2016 Author Share Posted April 16, 2016 Entry #43 13-16th April 2016: - Fleeting Dreams I promised I'd write in this more frequently again and here I am again, filling in multiple days into a condensed entry, this is not something I wanted to happen at all, I think I just need to push myself that extra bit further to actually just start typing because once I start I get into the flow of it quite quickly. The restless nights have returned but before I discuss that I'll just mention that I've after "Quitting" YoWorld, I just got sick of a lot of people on it so I am appearing offline on the game, carrying on with how I used to play and just making new friends who aren't compulsive liars around the clock i.e. avoid the people who call themselves "Immortal" and dress up all gothic. Other than that, my exams start on the 29th April until the 6th May, so that will be umm... interesting I suppose. If I mess up these my life is as good as over to be fully honest with you so I do need to start studying a little harder, otherwise I'm better off dead to be quite honest. Anyways, other than the usual routine day my sister fainted today and chipped a tooth, she's bawling crying saying how she can't leave the house ever again and all this (tad bit dramatic) but I do hope she's alright, sounds like it was a nasty fall. I've been having relatively sleepless nights, I had 4 significant dreams over the past few days, only 2 sort of upset me, the other two were actually pretty neat. I'll start with the first one I had and highlight the ones that bothered me the most in... BLUE blue is nice! Dream 1: Well, I am not sure if I mentioned it or not but I had a friend from Britain called Alex or "Aless" as I used to call her, she was actually the leader of inSAYN, that YoWorld organisation we made up to expose catfish, liars and cheaters on it but anyways... turns out, she liked me a lot...we spoke about it because well, she is quite sweet and she is very very pretty, she is 16 though and i'm 19, so that is a little embarrassing but nothing too bad I have to say, anyways she got really jumpy and upset because she said she felt bad for liking me seeing how her and "Kat" were actually best friends on YoWorld, she told me how she felt it was an act of betrayal to like me and told me she needed some time to think about it. I didn't mind because well, I am trying to take a break from relationships myself but I just cannot seem to go a few days without a pretty face being head over heels about me ... maybe I just need to stop being a man hoe and relax, Wisely and slow! those stumble that run fast haha! Oh right! the dream... well pretty much she deactivated her FB and shit because she has exams coming up too which kinda sucks because I really miss our daily chats, she was good fun and somebody who could keep up an intellectual chat, found me funny and had an imagination that could even rival mine! I loved talking to her, had a dream that night she deactivated, we met in person and we just had fun, nothing romantic, nothing sexual, good clean fun and it made me happy, I woke up expecting to find her in my house where she was staying in the dream but of course just a stupid dream, lol. She hasn't been on since and its been 4 days, cracking up! So is Sofie,my friend from Georgia and Aless' best friend! Dream 2: I had a dream that the Pope came to my University (UCC: University Cork College) the following night, which is strange because I'm not Catholic or even Christian anymore hahaha, yet I was fascinated by his presence and listened to his speech and everything, he also brushed against me as he walked through the crowd. It was a strange dream but rather... warming? It felt comforting for some reason. Strange I have to say. Dream 3: I woke up after having that dream, then went back to sleep but had another dream that night. This time I was near a dock and worked as the bodyguard for a big gangster/wild west kinda cartel thing. I wore a mask and wielded a pistol and a shotgun, it was pretty strange but I killed a few people in the dream in cold blood for my boss and it felt great hahaha. Murdering people in the dream didn't feel realistic though, so the satisfaction I got off killing the bad guys was kinda the same feeling you get beating up baddies in video games, either that, or I need professional help hahahaha Dream 4: This dream hit me hard, not last night, the night before. I woke up in the dream, I was in some sort of castle... it was very fancy, I must have visited it in a past dream that I had forgotten because I remember waking in the dully lit room saying to myself that I had been here before. Then it clicked with me, I don't remember the dream but something told me I was here in a previous dream when I was still going out with Demi, it was this palace we had built together and lived in together. Yet this time...? the palace wasn't mine, Something was telling me that Demi was still in the palace, trapped... I remember having this overwhelming urge to find her and save her but I stopped and began to think. Wait a minute! Demi isn't my girlfriend and after what she has done to be why the hell should I save her ass?I walked out of the room looking for a way out when I saw a locked door, I had an overwhelming sickness just looking at the door. I felt I needed to open it, something was telling me to open it so much, I didn't want to but I knew I had to... when I opened it, Ryan, the guy Demi left me for was fast asleep in the bed... and he was surrounded in all my belongings in my current room and all the things I gifted Demi was his now...My first thought was I wanted to kill him, I could easily do it now, end his miserable life right now but I couldn't bring myself to murder a person. So I stopped and said I would just take back my stuff and leave, so I began quietly throwing my belongings into a bag and making sure not to wake him. Just as I began to leave he punched me from behind, it was a weak hit so it didn't hurt but I turned around tackling him and began punching and trying to choke him. I remember what he said in the dream "Jesus Christ Shakil, its been 4 months and you're still chasing, she doesn't give a shit about you so fuck off its actually just pathetic at this stage". Ouch... for some reason that hit me like a train, those words pierced my heart again. I don't even fucking know why anymore, why does it just feel impossible to stop having feelings for her? I think I forget about her, I try so hard to move on and then these dreams, or thoughts come back and remind me of the greatest failure of my life to date. I remember in the dream, I managed to hold him off and make a runner for it, something was telling me to save Demi, I don't know what it was but the feeling was very intense, I felt it was something I had to do no matter what it resulted in. I woke up practically in tears and feeling so shit, I felt I didn't fight hard enough, that its all my fault for what happened and at one point, a felt the dream was telling me to go back to her and try save her, don't let her get hurt anymore, don't let her get used by somebody I know is going to use her but I stopped and calmed down, I'm not making a fool of myself anymore, I need to kill these emotions, every single last one involving her, I need to stamp them out and forget about them. It is eating away at me slowly and this time alone isn't helping. I just think I need somebody, a good girl who will show me how little girls like Demi are actually worth. Still though, I definitely consider what has happened to Demi to be my greatest mistake, she was such a good girl with an insane amount of potential and I forsook that and ran and tried to make things right at the last second, a fate fitting for an impulsive fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted April 20, 2016 Author Share Posted April 20, 2016 (edited) THANK YOU ALEX Edited September 24, 2017 by Shakilrahman96 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted April 23, 2016 Author Share Posted April 23, 2016 (edited) THANK YOU ALEX Edited September 24, 2017 by Shakilrahman96 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shakilrahman96 Posted August 8, 2016 Author Share Posted August 8, 2016 Entry #44 8th August 2016: - It has been a long time. Those who used to bother to read this will probably noticed how I disappeared off the scene for the past 3+ months. Without a word, without a trophy earned. Just left it all. A lot happened reading from my last post and I think I should update this to fill everyone in who will bother to read this. My exams went fine, I passed everything time round. I will be going into my 2nd year of Engineering on the 12th September At that point, I was talking to a friend of mine named Alexandra. She was a good friend of mine but after we realised we both liked each other she stopped talking to me and disappeared for a month. That broke me. At this point I stopped thinking of Demi entirely, so you'd be glad to hear I am long since over her. Only took half a year aye? lol Nicola? she was history after a day lol. Haven't thought about her at all. During the month Alexandra left, I sort of did a lot of dwelling on things. Not just her, just life in general and why I was letting it get so bad so fast while so young. It was at that point I just went into complete isolation. I lost a lot of weight. I stopped being a strong practicer in my religion due to feeling worthless. Kept to myself. After a month Alexandra came back and apologised and we got talking again. I began to write a play. I eventually ended up going out with Alexandra (currently am, so far so good) We got talking about religion and our views on life/morality etc. causing my own interest to be peaked too. I completed the play. Feeling a lot more happy now. Contemplating if I'd ever get back into trophy hunting. I want to but to be honest it does still remind me of Demi which I dislike a lot seeing how I did used to do it a lot with her. But why should that stop me from enjoying something you know? eh... lots has happened to be honest and I'm skipping over a lot obviously considering its been like 14 weeks but feel free to ask me any questions you want and I'll do my best to respond. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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