Grieving

[Bucknerd]

As the holidays approach I was wondering how people tend to deal with grieving during the Christmas season.  If you're missing someone perhaps we can give each other support. 

 

This isn't my first rodeo, last Christmas was the first holiday without my Dad but this time seems... harder.  He was 55 when he died of lung cancer on July 18th, 2013.  He was diagnosed in January 2013.  It took me until May to realize he was going to die, mainly because in January they said he was stage 2 but by that point he had progressed into stage 4.  He did not react to chemotherapy.  The last 3 weeks before he died he had a stroke and lost the ability to talk plainly and he lost the concept of numbers (this included everything from understanding time to not being able to change the TV channel). When you looked into his eyes you could almost see everything he wanted to say though.  Inside his muddled mind he was still my father.  His name was Gary.

 

While I've lost all my great-grandparents and grandparents there's just something different about losing a parent.  It cuts so much deeper.

 

I had planned to say something alot more poignant to get this conversation started but... sometimes it's nice just to be able to tell your story and to help others through their pain.  This thread is for that.

 

Edited December 24, 2014 by Bucknerd

[-Dark Mark-]

Sorry to hear that, you have my condolences. This is the first Christmas without my grandfather, while I do not grieve as hard as I would have as a kid, my mother is taking it very hard. She says that with both parents deceased, she feels alone and incomplete. I try to help her, but I can understand everything she is saying, it always gets to a point where I don't know what to say anymore.

[DEMON]

This is my 15th Christmas without my dad.. it does get easier over the years but you do kind of still wish they were there.  I think the first couple of Christmas were the hardest as he died around the same time (it was also unexpected to me as I was really just a kid and didn't understand death at all).  He had bowel cancer, which is a really aggressive cancer, he went blind, deaf and kind of went brain dead by the end of it.  I agree though, I never even knew my great grandparents, I knew one of my grandmothers but we were never close, no death apart from my dad's has really affected me in the way my dad's did.  I have a really hard time accepting any guy my mom meets into my life, felt like I missed out on a lot with my dad (I was only a kid when it happened, I knew he had all kind of plans for the future for the both of us to do).  It's kind of made me anti-social, anytime anyone assumes I still have a dad it always gets to me and they don't know why I get so upset over the mention of it even if it did seem harmless to them.

[Dreakon13]

I'm fortunate enough to not have lost anyone in my immediate family, so I understand there's probably nothing I can say to help... especially around the holidays... but I just want to say thank you for sharing your stories.  My mother has lost family, even as recent as a year or two ago, and I know she still struggles with it.  Putting your thoughts into words can be therapeutic... and knowing your words can inspire someone else is even better.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Dreakon13

[Flop]

Well, currently, I'm spending Christmas without my dad this year, since he's currently deployed at Africa as he's working on a project there since he's an engineer in the U.S. Army. He should be back by January, but I was hoping he would be back before Christmas.Oh well, at least he's coming back home. But when he comes back here, he may or may not have to be quarantined for 21 days, since people are being wary about ebola in Africa. He was supposed to be quarantined in Germany, so that would mean that it would be longer for him to come back home. But that was changed, and now it's between whetherhe gets quarantined or not.

Another person I'm also missing would have to my Grandmother, who passed away 2 years (or 3 years ago now technically?) due to getting poisoned from a rat's urine. She's my dad's mother, and even though I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I did spend with my mom's mother, I did went to see my dad's mom every Christmas no matter what, whether she wanted to give me presents, or I just came to have a fun time with her and the family and celebrate Christmas. She was a great woman, very sweet and kind. I took it a little hard to find out that she died right before I was able to get back to Puerto Rico and be able to see her, even though she was in a coma. She died two hours before I got into a plane from Texas to Puerto Rico. I got really sad about how I was too late to be able to see my grandmother one more last time. All of my Grandmother's family were able to support her through her last days of living while me, my brother, and dad were too late to be able to get to her. At least we were able to give our condolences at her funeral.
I'm still very upset for not being able to see her one more last time, even if she was in a coma and couldn't talk no more and most of the time was asleep. Weirdly, right before she passed away, I was sleeping and had a dream of her telling goodbye to me, and flew away as an angel? But shocking thing is, when I woke up, right exactly at the time I woke up, that's right when my grandmother passed away, according to what my family back at Puerto Rico told me. I don't believe in anything about the afterlife and such. But I do really believe that my Grandmother said one last goodbye to me. My dad also swears that he had the same dream. He woke up at the same time as I did, and a little after, he received a call about my Grandmother passing away.

Well, at least I got to say goodbye to my Grandmother one more time, even if it was only in a dream.

Edited December 24, 2014 by jack21_98

[Redgrave]

My mom died back in May of this year, so this would be my first Christmas without her. And I believe this is my third Christmas without my grandmother. Losing my grandmother affected my mom pretty bad. They both died of cancer but they were both in different places. I don't really want to go into detail on all that since I don't like talking about it, so I'll just leave it at that. We used to all gather around and have a big dinner but after she died we all just stopped talking to each other. Although my aunt is partly to blame because she caused drama with my mom the day before my grandmother died. So after that me and my mom basically spent the following Christmases like it was just any other day, except my mom would try to cook something my grandmother would make but she wound up hating the way it turned out even though I said I liked it.

 

But yeah, I'm basically spending Christmas alone this year. I guess I could spend it with my dad and the step-family, but I haven't talked to them (step-family) in four years and I think it would just be really awkward. I realize that sounds counter-productive but I just can't. It's kind of my fault anyway. Maybe it would help to be alone for one time, I don't know. But wow, this was a lot harder to type than I thought it would have been. Hopefully it might help in some way that I did, but either way thanks for reading. 

[Nepgear2]

I have spent many-a-time without parts of my family. I lost my grandfather and other members at a very young age. I loved them more than anything else in the world, I think I was closer to him than my own intermediate family. Due to the age I was, I was pretty much traumatised after finding out what had happened. I had spent months just crying and screaming, hoping he would come back. And also completely horrified by the realisation "I'm going to die and lose everyone someday". But in the back of my mind, I knew nothing would result of it. I've lived without him for more than a whole half of my life.

 

It hurt a lot, then. Thinking deeply about it still can make me tear up some, but it's more tearful joy. Now, I can look back on the memories very fondly, even if he is no longer here. My grandmother as well. I know that they would not want me to be dragging myself down with guilts and regrets concerning them, nor wallowing in sadness due to it. To me, it is just the flow of life. In the midst of it, you eventually learn to accept and embrace it. His life, it was pretty much complete. He was happy. He had done so much. If he died with no regrets, then I have no more need to be sad about it. My grandmother, as well.

 

I do wish that perhaps I could have seen them before they died, however. I never even got to see their face before they did, nor could I be there. Due to all this, it hardly hit me as much when my grandmother died. I have actually felt very guilty about that on many occasions.

 

You have my condolences. I know all too well what it feels like to lose someone you love. I hope that someday your pain lessens, and I wish you the highest level of happiness as you deserve. I am not one-hundred percent certain as to whether or not an afterlife or anything exists, but perhaps one day you can see them again. Just hold onto that hope and the love you had for them, and see where it finds you.

 

There were many other parts involved, but I do not wish to share all the personal details. I generally do not talk about things like this to anyone, but if my little story could help somebody, even if by just giving them someone to relate to a bit, then I'll happily share. I wish you the best.

Edited June 23, 2015 by Nepgear2

[locutus442]

This is the second Christmas without my mother (we lost her Sept. 28, 2013).  Believe me when I say that I can relate to many of the stories posted here.  As the days go by, the pain of losing her lessens, but I feel that it will never truly go away.  As an example of this, today at the family gathering at my aunt's house, just before I left I was presented with a picture my grandmother had made.  It was a picture of my mother from when she was around 17 or 18.  If I wasn't getting ready to leave, my first reaction to seeing that would have been to grab it and hug it, all the while tears rolling down my face.

 

The one piece of advice I'd give people reading this is never be afraid to let those you care about know how you feel about them, because you never know when it'll be too late to say it.

[EternalChaos72]

A touching story.My auntie unfortunately left us thanks too a very rare ovarian type cancer. She was only 52 which is still a young age tbh. This is our first Christmas without her. :(

[antithesis]

It tales like this that remind of my responsibility as a parent and how I should be nothing but a positive influence on my kids lives. Friends come and go, family is the only constant.

 

Do not take anyone or anything for granted. Life has a way of biting us on the arse when least expected and It's the petty things we do and say that stick for a lifetime.

 

Merry Christmas guys. Be good to your family. When push comes to shove, it's the ONLY thing that matters.

Edited December 26, 2014 by ant1th3s1s

[KratosTheMighty]

I was 17 when my grandpa died. I was at school, and was supposed to see him that day after school. When I got home I found out he died. I cried, for quite some time. I didn't know him well, had very few memories of him... but I still felt the loss... He was 90 almost 91... He died of throat cancer. He quit smoking at 40... and cancer still got him. I have no doubt he could have lived at least another 10 years. My grandmother died 6 months later. Every year around christmas time we'd go to their house, my brother, sister, and I. Though we were the outcasts, often never even spoken to while there... My grandparents still cared enough to give us gifts each year... I'll miss going there. 

 

As for how I deal with it.... I dunno, loss seems to be heavy at first.... like molten iron in your gut burning and weighing you down.... after a time... it begins to fade... Life fills in the gaps with other people you're close to and eventually you begin to only remember the fond memories of before they died. I've yet to lose a parent though, so that kind of loss may weigh on you for far longer than any other.... Needless to say, christmas has almost left a sour taste in my mouth... the joy I once felt for the holiday has dwindled to the point where a christmas hat avatar is about as far as I could care about it. 

 

I'm sorry about your father...To be taken at 55 is still quite a tragedy. I hope you find a way to accept his death, and move on with the fond memories of him. 

Edited December 29, 2014 by KratosTheMighty

[Bucknerd]

Everyone,

 

Thank you for sharing your experiences, especially since a topic like this is so personal.  In retrospect I half way regret making this post but it was therapeutic to write it out.  Thank you for your responses.  I hope it helped you to type it out and I was certainly helped by all of you.

 

It deserves to be said again: thank you.

 

Some days are harder than others.  From my experience sometimes grief hits you out of nowhere with no exact catalyst.  It definitely helps to share.  I'm sorry for everyone's losses but we do grow from them.  We learn.  We feel. 

 

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