Oobedoob S Benubi Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 @MosesRockefeller and @Super-Fly Spider-Guy demanded this thread, so they can vent their dad jokes Seriously though, tried searching in the forum for threads with 'joke' in the title and nothing came up (except "this game / multiplayer / trophy list is a joke" threads), so I decided to create a thread. We have threads for sharing funny pictures and threads for other stuff, a joke thread will probably survive. Personally, though I'm not a dad, I do like 'bad' jokes a lot. As much of what I know is punning in my own language it doesn't really translate, but some can be fun regardless. What's green and goes down the mountain? Spoiler Skiwifruit! (kiwifruit is actually just called kiwi here but I decided to change it a bit to prevent confusion with the bird) What's orange and keeps yelling "I'm an orange, I'm an orange!"? Spoiler A tangerine with a big mouth. What's black and white and sits in a tree? Spoiler A flock of cows. Recently a plant was discovered that's so deadly, if you stand underneath it without any form of protection then you'll be dead within fifteen minutes. Spoiler It's a water lily. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrakeHellsing Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 You want a joke? Go look in the mirror. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxie_M0us3 Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) Dad joke, huh? What is your name? Hugh Mungus Edited April 19, 2017 by Maxie the Mouse 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crimsonidol38 Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) There are some stupid anti-jokes in german but they don't translate very well but here are at least two: What is green and triangular? Spoiler A green triangle What is black and triangular? Spoiler The shadow of the green triangle A man always drops his smartphone but it has no scratch so far. How is this possible? Spoiler He activated flight mode Edited April 19, 2017 by Crimson Idol spoiler not quotes, you idiot! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Zangril Posted April 19, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted April 19, 2017 What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? Spoiler A father in law 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oobedoob S Benubi Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 9 minutes ago, Zangril said: What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? Reveal hidden contents A father in law I told a priest during confession that I believed my father was not actually my real father. Spoiler He said, "Why do you think that, my son?" A retired priest was often still visiting his clergy, after a while they realised he was having sex with the clergywomen. Spoiler He was nun-active. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Platisfaction Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Two men, drinking in a bar. One asks: "Does your wife also yell and scream when she comes?" The other answers: Spoiler No, she has her own keys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super-Fly Spider-Guy Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) 4 hours ago, Maxie the Mouse said: Dad joke, huh? Also, since when did I demand this thread? I don't even recall alluding to anything, but fuck it, I'll take it. So I'm in TAFE today, and I had Billie with me, on my shoulders right. And I'm talking to her, because helping her learn words and speak and all that parenting jazz and I say "This is where I come every morning when I leave you and you get upset and then I come back like 8 or 9 hours later and you're good. It's cool here. They have like great heaters and air cons. Heh, get it? 'Cause it's cool." then I turn to these two people sitting down near the elevator looking at me clearly trying not to laugh at me and I'm just like, shit. Nah, but on a really hot day, it's dope going to a place with a great air con for a fair few hours. And in winter, you can rock up in a singlet and thongs (well, a tshirt and thongs anyways) and the heater will make you so warm you'd think you're in a walking doona. Good shit. ... Only other dumb joke I can instantly think of is when Force Awakens came out and they get Phasma and she's like "My troops will storm this place" and I sat there pissing myself and then Jessie turns to me and she's like the fuck am I laughing about, and I go "That's why they're called *storm* troopers" and now I basically say it every time someone says something dumb. Good times. I'm not funny. Edited April 19, 2017 by Super-Fly Spider-Guy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post StrickenBiged Posted April 19, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted April 19, 2017 My dad always used to tell this one: A son and father are talking ahead of the son's wedding day. The father is giving him some advice for his married sex-life. The father says: "Now son, sex once you're married goes through 3 distinct phases. First, you'll be having Honeymoon sex, where you have sex all over the house every-which-way you can imagine. It's great. But shortly thereafter, and as a consequence, you will be having Quiet sex, because there will be kids running around and you need to keep it to the bedroom and it's not so great. Once the kids have left home and gone to college you get to the Oral sex phase..." "That doesn't sound so bad Dad! I'm guessing that's quite fun!" "It's quite frequent. We pass one another in the hallway and she says 'Fuck you' and I say 'Fuck you too'". 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evilartifact Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 A man walks into a bar... Spoiler OUCH! It was an iron bar 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oobedoob S Benubi Posted April 19, 2017 Author Share Posted April 19, 2017 @Super-Fly Spider-Guy I was alluding to the whole dad-jokes discussion in a different thread @MosesRockefeller and I had after I noted that you didn't make an obligatory switch pun Two skeletons walk into a bar, one skeleton says to the bartender: Spoiler two beers and a mop, please! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MosesRockefeller Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 (edited) 1 hour ago, StrickenBiged said: My dad always used to tell this one: A son and father are talking ahead of the son's wedding day. The father is giving him some advice for his married sex-life. The father says: "Now son, sex once you're married goes through 3 distinct phases. First, you'll be having Honeymoon sex, where you have sex all over the house every-which-way you can imagine. It's great. But shortly thereafter, and as a consequence, you will be having Quiet sex, because there will be kids running around and you need to keep it to the bedroom and it's not so great. Once the kids have left home and gone to college you get to the Oral sex phase..." "That doesn't sound so bad Dad! I'm guessing that's quite fun!" "It's quite frequent. We pass one another in the hallway and she says 'Fuck you' and I say 'Fuck you too'". Your dad has a lot better sense of humor than mine. That's not a dad joke, that's actually pretty clever. My dad's jokes are almost never dirty, and they are all groan-inducing. Also, as a married father of a toddler, I can say reality is even worse! We skipped the Honeymoon Sex and went straight to the Quiet Sex, which is even more interesting because 75% of the year my mother-in-law lives with us. It's great because she helps with the kid and with housework, but as a consequence we're pretty much living like monks. It's so quiet that it's not happening at all! Sadly I'm better at spur-of-the-moment jokes so I don't have any to share at the moment, but I enjoyed most of the ones already shared. Keep up the good (bad) work! Edited April 19, 2017 by MosesRockefeller Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RabbiAndy Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards? Spoiler A receding hare line 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted April 20, 2017 Share Posted April 20, 2017 HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oobedoob S Benubi Posted April 20, 2017 Author Share Posted April 20, 2017 How do you know if your wife has been using your computer? Spoiler There will be pritt correction tape all over the screen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skinner49 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 (edited) I was once a Jedi knight, the same as your father. oh, wait.... you wanted dad jokes? sorry. Edited April 21, 2017 by Obi-Wan Kenobi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MosesRockefeller Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 9 hours ago, Obi-Wan Kenobi said: I was once a Jedi knight, the same as your father. oh, wait.... you wanted dad jokes? sorry. Well, what you say is true... from a certain point of view. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oobedoob S Benubi Posted April 24, 2017 Author Share Posted April 24, 2017 Brought to you by Uncharted 4... So a pirate walks into a bar with a wheel in his crotch. The bar tender says: "Hey, man, what's with the wheel?" And the pirate says: Spoiler "Argh! It's driving me nuts!" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Platisfaction Posted April 24, 2017 Share Posted April 24, 2017 What is orange and sounds like a parrot? Spoiler A carrot. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Zanreo Posted April 24, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted April 24, 2017 What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Spoiler Aye matey! 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oobedoob S Benubi Posted April 24, 2017 Author Share Posted April 24, 2017 What crime do pirates like to commit more than pillage and plunder? Spoiler Arrrrrson! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oobedoob S Benubi Posted May 23, 2017 Author Share Posted May 23, 2017 Two pizza's are lying in an oven. One pizza asks the other: "Have you got a tan yet?" The other pizza responds: Spoiler "WHAT THE FUCK, A TALKING PIZZA!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedPage17 Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people Spoiler But none of them work 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfBambam55 Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 after a streak of off topic posts, finally on topic... on the first 3 years of marriage: - the first year, the husband talks and the wife listens... - the second year, the wife talks and the husband listens... - the third year, they both talk and the neighbours listen... longer joke here: there was a kindergarten teacher asking her students how their summer holidays were...she asked for people to come up to the front of the class and share their experiences but added "but your story has to have a point to it...a moral".... first kid comes up: "i was helping my grandfather at his farm this summer and was carrying all of the eggs we had collected from the chickens that morning...i tripped, dropped them on the ground, and they all broke...i started to cry...my grandfather came up, patted me on the head, and said 'son, it's best to not put all of your eggs in one basket'"... teacher: "great story...thanks for sharing...anybody else?"... second kid comes up: "i was helping my grandfather at his farm this summer and was carrying all of the milk bottles we had collected from the cows that morning...i tripped, dropped them on the ground, and they all broke...i started to cry...my grandfather came up and said 'son, there's no point in crying over spilt milk'"... teacher: "another good one...we've got time for one more story...would anyone else like to share?" third kid comes up: "my grandfather was a soldier in World War II...one day he got stuck by himself and had a dozen germans rushing towards him...he only had 2 bullets left in his gun and a bottle of whiskey...he killed two enemies with headshots from his final two rounds, chugged the bottle of whiskey, smashed it on a rock, and then slit the last 10 german's throats with the broken bottle"...*pauses, and smiles proudly*... teacher: "that's an interesting story but what is the moral behind it?"... third kid: "don't f**k with my grandfather"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RisingSenpai616 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 What did the ocean say to the coast? Spoiler Nothing. It just waved. How do you make tissue paper dance? Spoiler Put a little boogie in it. What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? Spoiler A woolly jumper. Silver and Copper are sitting at a bar. Gold walks in. Silver turns and says... Spoiler AU. Get lost. A man walks into a doctor's and says, "Help me! I think I'm going mad! For some reason I keep believing I'm a pair of curtains." Spoiler The doctor says, "Pull yourself together!" I have a literally endless supply of these. I'm practically addicted to learning bad jokes that make people groan. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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