StrickenBiged Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Tell a joke below. It is that easy. _________________________________________________________ 4 old guys go to play a round of golf. One of them goes into the clubhouse to pay the green fees while the others stand outside chatting. Soon, they begin bragging about their sons. The first guy brags about his son's auto-dealership. "This year, my son expanded his dealership to every city in the state. He's making so much money that last week, he gave one of his friends a new car as a gift!" The second guy brags about his son's property development firm. "He's been building so many houses for all these young professionals that last week he was able to give one of his buddies a new house, totally free!" The third guy starts to brag about his son's investment banking firm. "My son is making so much money managing other people's money, that last week he was able to give away an entire investment portfolio. Whoever that guy is is set up for life!" Eventually, the fourth old guy comes out of the clubhouse. "What's your boy up to?" the other 3 ask him. "Well," he replies, "it turns out my son is gay. I'm still coming to terms with it, but he must be good at it because last week his boyfriends gave him a car, a house, and a whole load of money!" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Some cheesy ones: What cheese do you use to tempt a bear out of a cave? Camembert . What cheese can you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone . What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese . 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilkyJay86 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Girl do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a footlong. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
damon8r351 Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 (edited) What do you call a guy that likes to hang out with musicians? The drummer. What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend? Homeless. What's the difference between a podiatrist and a drummer? A podiatrist bucks up your feet. A drummer on the other hand... What do you call a drummer in a three piece suit? The defendant Why does the bassist always stand near the drummer? Someone needs to translate instructions, right? A man is stranded on an island with natives, while in the distant jungle, the constant beat of drums can be heard. The man grabs a native and asks what the drums are about. The native vigorously shakes his head and says "When drums stop, is very bad." After countless days listening to the drums, and always being met with the same answer, "When drums stop, is very bad", the man finally snaps. He grabs a native and screams, "WHY?!? Why is it bad when the drums stop? What happens then?" The native replies, "Bass solo." Edited December 17, 2014 by damon8r351 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redgrave Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 I don't remember where I heard this one but I'll try to re-tell it best I can. Two guys are camping one night, one guy looks up at the stars and asks "What do you see?" the other guy looks up for a moment and says "Well I see a bunch of stars." "Yeah well, what else do you see?" the other one asks. "I see the moon" "And?" "Well, it makes me think about the vastness of space and all the other countless stars we cannot see right now." "No you idiot" the guy says, "someone stole our tent." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XarliaKoneko Posted December 17, 2014 Share Posted December 17, 2014 Ich glaub ich hab' Tinnitus in den Augen - ich seh nur noch Pfeifen! :b 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Three guys are wandering through the jungle when they are attacked and captured by natives. The natives tell them to go into the jungle and pick some fruit, then return. The first guy gets cherries, the second guy gets bananas, and the third guy gets pineapples. The natives then offer them a choice. As punishment for trespassing on their land, they can choose either death, or "Mau Mau". The first guy chooses Mau Mau. The natives immediately grab him and proceed to shove the cherries up his butt. They then let him go. The second guy looks at his bananas, but reasons to himself that the banana's are probably the best shape for a smooth Mau Mau, are quite soft anyway, and he rather likes living. He too chooses Mau Mau. The natives grab him, shove the bananas up his butt, then let him go. The last guy looks at his pineapples. He can't imagine the pain of Mau Mau, so he chooses death. "Very well," says the native chieftain... "Death, by Mau Mau!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fierce_DeityX1 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 How do you make anti-freeze? You take away her blanket you guys. Auntie-freeze guys. What do you call a fast zombie? A zoombie you guys... A zoombie guys. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under rather than just 6 feet under? Because deep, deep down they're good people. Why don't snakes bite lawyers? Professional courtesy. A guy calls his lawyer and says: "You gotta help me. I got $10 left in the whole world, and I'll give it to you if you'll answer my 2 questions. Are you ok with that?" Lawyer says: "Sure, what's the second question?" Guy says: "Are you kidding me?!" Lawyer: "Nope. My bill will be in the mail." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Dr_Mayus Posted December 19, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted December 19, 2014 A hipster walks into a bar...you've never heard of it. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...a hipster will still buy the CD Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, the second did it ironically. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FilmFanatic Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 Two dyslexics walk into a bra. Two hikers are walking through the woods when a bear starts chasing them. The first stops to put on his running shoes. "Are you crazy?" says the second hiker, "You can't outrun a bear." "No but I can outrun you" says the first hiker. Two muffin are sitting in an oven. One says "Man it's hot in here." The other says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin." Two cows are standing in a field. The first says, "Moo." "You bastard, I was going to say that", says the second. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillia Posted December 21, 2014 Share Posted December 21, 2014 Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'd like some H2O" and the second one says "Yeah, I'd like some H2O, too." The second one died. An atom says to another A: "I lost my electron!" B: "Are you sure?" A: "Yes, I'm positive!" What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium. Chemistry jokes are sodium funny! I slapped my neon that one! I'd tell you more chemistry jokes but all the good ones argon. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Dr_Mayus Posted December 21, 2014 Popular Post Share Posted December 21, 2014 There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand Binary and those that don't 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 A man goes to his dad, to tell him that he is thinking of getting married and to ask for some fatherly advice. His dad says: Son you have to bear in mind that there are 3 distinct phases to your sex life once you get married. The first phase is Everywhere Sex. You'll both be so happy and in love that you'll have sex all the time, wherever and whenever you can. This quickly leads to Phase 2. Phase 2 is "When we can" Sex. You'll have kids by this point, so sex will be when you can do it without the kids noticing or catching you. After that comes "Oral Sex". The son says: Hey, Oral Sex phase sounds fantastic, you lucky guy you! The dad replies: It's not all it's cracked up to be. We pass each other in the corridor and it's all "F**k you!" and "F**k you too!". 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Mayus Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Ich glaub ich hab' Tinnitus in den Augen - ich seh nur noch Pfeifen! :b Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! Looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 (edited) Wife: How was your golf game today honey? Man: Horrible! Bob had a heart attack on the 3rd hole! Wife: That's terrible! Man: Yeah, it was "Hit the ball, drag Bob..." _______________________________________________________________________________________________ A man's birthday is coming up, and his wife wants to do something special for him. He is a massive fan of the classical actress Bridget Bardot (you can see why!) and so she decides that she will get a Bridget Bardot tattoo to make him happy. She goes to the tattoo parlor and gets Bridget's initials tattooed on her butt-cheeks, a big letter B on each cheek. When his birthday rolls around, she excitedly whips off her underpants to show her husband her new tattoo. "I've got something to show you", she says as she bends over to give her husband the full effect. After a few moments of silence her husband says "... Who the f**k is Bob?" Edited December 22, 2014 by StrickenBiged 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysticmosh Posted December 23, 2014 Share Posted December 23, 2014 How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?. He felt his presence! This next one's an oldie and you might need to know about football (soccer) to get it. Michael Owen wanted to go on holiday but needed someone to look after his dog, so Liverpool boss Houllier and his assistant Thompson decide to look after it for him. They take the dog for a walk and decide to pop into the local for a pint or two. After 5mins a bloke comes in, walks up to the dog, lifts it's tail,shakes his head and leaves. This happens again and again till Thompson is fed up and says to Houllier "the next bloke that comes in and does that better tell me what the hell is going on or else". He didn't have long to wait; once again a bloke walks in , makes toward the dog. Thompson stands up and say "Right, what the hell do you think you're doing, you're the 6th person to come in and look under this dogs tail". The bloke replies "Sorry pal, but Alex Ferguson is outside telling everybody that there's a dog in here with 2 arseholes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 A guy walks into the doctors and says "Doctor, Doctor, I'm having visions from the future!" The Doctor asks: "When did this start?" "Next Tuesday!" Bab-um bum tish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 Three guys die and go to heaven, where they are greeted by St Peter. As he lets them through the gate, St Peter warns them that there's only one rule in heaven - DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS! The guys are laughing about this silly rule, until they get into heaven itself - there are ducks everywhere! It isn't long before the 1st guy accidentally steps on a duck. "QUACK!" Suddenly St Peter appears and chains the man to the ugliest, smelliest, and downright nastiest woman the man has ever seen. "You are now chained together for eternity. DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!" he says, before disappearing. The second guy too, eventually steps on a duck. "QUACK!" St Peter appears again, and chains the second guy to a woman who, if anything, is even more repulsive that the first one, on top of which, she spends the whole of her time talking about the Twilight books. "You are now chained together for eternity. DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS!" says St Peter, before disappearing again. The third guy has seen what befell his fellows, and resolves to spend the rest of eternity standing in one place to avoid accidentally stepping on a duck. After all, it's heaven! Even standing still is awesome in heaven! Time passes, until one day St Peter appears with the loveliest, most beautiful woman the third man has ever laid eyes on. He stands there agog as St Peter chains them together. He can't believe his luck! "I don't know what I've done to deserve this!" he says to the woman, awestruck at his own good fortune. "Well," she replies, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Two nuns are driving along when the devil suddenly appears on their car bonnet, surrounded by fire and brimstone. One nun says to the other: “Quick, show him your cross.” The other leans out the window and shouts, “Get off my fucking bonnet!” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StrickenBiged Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 Samuel Cohen, having reached an enormous age and survived enormous hardship in his life, is on his deathbed. He holds the hand of his beloved wife Rachel."Rachel, my darling. You were with me when we were in the ghetto back in Russia?""Yes Samuel, my love.""And when they sacked the ghetto and we had to flee to Germany, you were with me then?""Yes darling.""And when the Nazis came for us and we left for England, you were with me then too?""Of course.""And when the blackshirts came and set fire to our shop in the East End, you were with me then?""Yes darling.""And now, as I am near my final breath, you are here by my side?""Yes Samuel.""You're a fucking jinx, Rachel." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StewartBros Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Three Irish guys, Paddy, Mick, and Seamus, have been friends nearly all their lives. They go everywhere together, do everything together, and are virtualy inseparable. One day, Seamus dies in a house fire, leaving no family, and Paddy and Mick, as his closest friends, are called to identify his body. Paddy pulls back the sheet, turns the body over and looks at Seamus's bum, and says "That's not him". Mick does the same thing, and says "You're right Paddy, to be sure." Understandably, the coroner is somewhat confused, and says "But how do you know it's not him? You haven't even looked at his face?!" And Paddy replies, "Cos when we was all out together, folk would point and say, "Look, here comes Seamus with the two arseholes!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XIII-Order-Xion Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Here's a joke my dad has always told me since I was a little girl. A man buys a old house for real cheap, the owner told him that it was indeed haunted by a ghost who would always call out to you before it killed you. The man is sitting in the kitchen during his first night, when all of the sudden he hears footsteps slowly creeping down the stairway a cold eerie voice echoes around him. " I'm walking down the stairs, mowing grass...." The ghost speaks. " I'm in the kitchen peeling potatoes." The man replies calmly. " I'm in the living room mowing grass...." The ghost speaks again. " I'm in the kitchen peeling potatoes." The man replies again. " I'm in the hallway mowing grass..." The ghost chimes in. " I'm in the kitchen peeling potatoes." The man shrugs it off. " I'm in the kitchen mowing grass..." The ghost speaks in a howl. " I'm in the cornfield hauling ass! " The man shouts as he runs away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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