ille1234 Posted January 26, 2012 Share Posted January 26, 2012 We've all heard them. We all love them. Let's share them! What do you call Robin Hood's mother? Mother Hood. How do you make a Venetian blind? Stick a finger in his eye. Who's the guy floating in boiling water with no arms or legs? Stu. Your turn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 When you say "Bad Jokes", do you mean shitty jokes or gross jokes? (I got loads of gross jokes ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ille1234 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 When you say "Bad Jokes", do you mean shitty jokes or gross jokes? (I got loads of gross jokes ) I believe that's for Sly to decide, but for now, knock yourself out. Deal with the repercussions later 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 I like the sound of that! - How do you stop a baby from walking in circles? - Nail it's other hand to the ground! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muff Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 ...WAIT, BABY JOKE THREAD? Whats the difference between a dead baby and a chicken? .......one of them made it across the road 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 - What's more disturbing than a dumpster full of dead babies? - A living baby at the bottom of the dumpster eating it's way out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ille1234 Posted January 27, 2012 Author Share Posted January 27, 2012 - What do you call a baby on a stick? - A kebabie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 - What spins around in a circle while gradually screaming louder and louder? - A baby in a microwave Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wade_VC Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Yay...a jokes thread! Not knowing how offended some get, I'll tuck mine away in a spoiler tag. Cowboy having Dinner A cowboy had just spent a week penned up in a cattle railcar, tending to their needs until they reached their destination. Following the unloading of the cattle he headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat was next to a lady who looked wealthy and educated. He couldn't help overhearing her order. "I'll have a breast of fowl, virgin fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself, garnish my plate with onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, not to cold, and open the window, I smell a cow, there must be a cowboy in here." Thoroughly pissed off, the cowboy placed his order. "I'll have a duck, a fucked duck, make sure it's fucked, fuck it yourself, garnish my plate with horse shit, a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, blow the foam off with a fart, and knock out the wall, I smell a twat, there must be a whore in the house." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wade_VC Posted January 27, 2012 Share Posted January 27, 2012 Here are a few others...jokes are always good! Hunting Hunting A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer loaned the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it smelled like shit!" said the boy. "Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot my wife!" The Peanut The Peanut Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law." The Ugliest Wife The Ugliest Wife These three guys are sitting at a bar arguing which one has the ugliest wife. The conversation begins to get heated to the point of the barkeeper telling them to get the hell out or shut up! In fact he says, "why don't you settle it once and for all and just visit each others house and decide for yourselves..." Damn Good idea they agree, finish their drinks and make off for the first guys house. Upon arriving he bangs on his door and the wife answers, she's not pretty and he turns to collect the bet from the other two. Not so fast says the second, I got that beat. And off they go to his house... He bangs on the door and his wife comes to answer the door opens and all three step back in fright, she's damn ugly. He asks to collect the bet but the third guy says sorry I've got you both beat. He goes to his house and walks right in, there's no sign of anyone around. He stomps his foot on the trap door in the floor and they all hear this voice say "Is that you honey?" "Yeah it's me," he says. "Do you want me to come out?" she asks "Yes please," he says. "Should I put the bag on my head?" she asks. He says, "No. I don't want to fuck you, I just want to show you off!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spidey0115 Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 A guy walks into a bar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ille1234 Posted January 28, 2012 Author Share Posted January 28, 2012 A guy walks into a bar. He does?! Did not see that one coming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeyItsSpanky Posted January 28, 2012 Share Posted January 28, 2012 What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt. ZING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christopher Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 An old man is in his doctor's office for just a routine checkup. "Well, Doc, how'd my tests go?" Asked the old man. "Just amazing," said the doctor, "but Richard, I must ask you, how is your home life?" "Actually, it's funny you asked. You see doctor, I've made a connection with god." "Oh really?" The doctor inquired, "Please go on!" "I've made a special connection with god, you see. Every night when I go to the restroom, and it's the darnest thing, god turns the lights on for me as soon as I open the door. And by golly, when I'm done, he turns the light right off for me." The old man blurted out. "Well that's just astonishing!" The doctor replied, and after a bit of small talk and a goodbye, the old man was on his way. Later that evening, the Doctor calls the old man's wife, Mildred, too discuss his check up. "Well Mildred, I really just want to tell you about the check up today." The doctor said. "You see, I asked your husband how he was feeling, and he told me he felt great with his new connection with god" "What are you talking about?" Mildred asked. "He says that every night, when he goes to the restroom, god turns on the light as soon as he opens the door, and that every evening, when he closes the door, god just puts the light right out for him." repeats the doctor. Mildred responded; "God damnit, he's peeing in the fridge again!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 A visit to the Barber A little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. "Do you have hair on your goodie?" asks the barber. "Don't be silly, you old pervert! I'm only eight years old!" Hooker burp Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said, "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ille1234 Posted January 30, 2012 Author Share Posted January 30, 2012 After his divorce, a man notices that his penis has gone yellow and decides to go to the doctors to get a few tests. After a few days the results came back and the doctor asked him to come back to the hospital so he could ask him a few questions. - Hello, doctor - Hello Steve. Unfortunately the testresults came back negative so we still don't know what's wrong with your penis. Perhaps you could tell me what you do at home on a daily basis, that might help. -Well, after the wife left me I've mostly passed the time with cheezedoodles and porn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Death Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 This is one that I've known since middle school THE BIRD A little girl goes to a nude beach one summer day with her family. She is walking down the beach when she notices a naked man sprawled on his back tanning his front. The little girl points to his junk and asks "What is that!?" The man looks up and points to it and says "This? Oh, that's my bird!" The man then puts his head back down and continues to tan and eventually falls asleep on the beach. The man wakes up several hours later in a hospital room. Confused, he goes to get off the table and suddenly feels some extreme pain downstairs. He pulls up his medical gown and notices that his junk is encased in a cast that looks like a codpiece. He manages to get to the door and open it to find his doctor trying to rush in with some papers. "What the hell happened to me!?!" asked the man. "We don't know the full story, sir." replied the doctor. "But this little girl was in the ambulance with you... maybe she knows what happened." The doctor leaves the room and the man asks the girl if she saw what happened to him. "Yup! I did it!" "Did what!?" "Well, I saw that you started to fall asleep, so I went over to you and started playing with your bird. I started stroking it's neck, but it spat in my eye so I broke it's neck, smashed it's eggs and burned it's nest!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RHGSniperFox Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from Algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, idiot! BREATHE! "A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities. His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cath, I love you." She said, "Pardon?" He said, "I said I love you." She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you." She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?" He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christopher Posted January 30, 2012 Share Posted January 30, 2012 Ah, puns. Did you hear about the hole in the nudist colony? Police are looking in on the situation Did you hear about the frog that parked in a Fire Zone? He got toad. I should have been sad when my flashlight died... But I just felt de-lighted. The local pet shop held a competition recently to win a parrot. You could enter without buying anything... because there was no perches necessary. My camera is broken, but I wont have a negative attitude. I'll just take it to the repair shop and see what develops, but they said it be fixed in a flash. People think I broke it, but the crime isn't so black and white. I'm being framed. Get the picture? Contrary to what you may believe, a duo of psychics is just a.... Pair-a-normal people. The two time traveling doctors weren't that insane. They were just a pair-a-docs. I recently read a book about fishing. First line and I was hooked. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QVoFOAvcPU Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dreakon139 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 What is the worst part about killing a baby? Getting the blood off of your clown suit. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christopher Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 What has 4 legs and one arm? A doberman in a playground. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnus_deacon Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Person 1: I know how to fit an Elephant into a Safe Way bag. Person 2: How do you do it? Person 1: Easy. Take the "S" out of Safe and the "F" out of Way. Person 2: There's no "F" in Way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christopher Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Person 1: I know how to fit an Elephant into a Safe Way bag. Person 2: How do you do it? Person 1: Easy. Take the "S" out of Safe and the "F" out of Way. Person 2: There's no "F" in Way Damn, that joke took me back. Anywho, Two fish are in a tank.... One says "You drive, I'll man the guns" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skidmarkgn Posted March 7, 2012 Share Posted March 7, 2012 What do you call an alligator in a vest? ...an investagator Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerminusCross Posted March 7, 2012 Share Posted March 7, 2012 - What's more disturbing than a dumpster full of dead babies? - A living baby at the bottom of the dumpster eating it's way out. And then he went back for seconds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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