Flop Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Found this joke from the comment section of a Game Grumps video awhile ago, I think:"How to remove ghosts from your home:1.) Get pissed drunk2.) Gain a powerful erection3.) Strip naked4.) Oil up (mmm)5.) Turn off all the lights6.) Stand in a power stance7.) YellNothing wants to fuck with an angry, oily, bonery, naked drunk." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Superbuu3 Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 A lady finds a genie and is given 3 wishes, the genie tells her you can have anything that you want but your husband will get ten times whatever you wish for. L: I wish for wealth G: ok but your husband is ten times wealthier L: i wish for fame your husband G: ok but your husband is ten times more famous L: I wish for a mild heart attack... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnePieceDude Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Today, I made a drunken bet that I could poor lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and then shake it out before I got burned. I lost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thegirlruka Posted April 20, 2015 Share Posted April 20, 2015 Today, I made a drunken bet that I could poor lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and then shake it out before I got burned. I lost. Taylor Swift did the same thing, but wrote a song about it, made millions, and won. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post RabbiAndy Posted April 21, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted April 21, 2015 Did you hear about the guy who made a belt out of watches? It was a waist of time. A Mexican magician said he was going to disappear at the count of three. He said, "uno... dos..." POOF!!! He disappeared without a tres. Why can't pirates finish the alphabet? They get lost at C. What is the dentist's favorite time of the day? Tooth-hurty. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BSKkayfabe Posted April 22, 2015 Share Posted April 22, 2015 Q:How do you circumsize a hillbilly? A: Kick His Sister in the jaw. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysticmosh Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 A blonde nurse plays golf for the first time. She tees off and slices the ball over a hill and hears a scream. Quickly she runs to see what's happened and finds a fellow golfer rolling around, both hands clasped at his groin. Over she runs to check if everythings ok. She takes the mans hands away and starts rubbing his crotch while saying, 'Don't worry, I'm a nurse. Does that feel better?". The injured golfer replies, "That feels bloody great, but you hit me on the hand!'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: He didn't have the guts to do it. Q: "Britney has 20 chocolate bars in her pockets, she eats 16 of them, what does Britney now have? A: Diabetes. Q: What did the DNA say to the other DNA? A: "Do these genes make me look fat?" Q: What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? A: .... Q: What's the best part about living in Switzerland? A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus. Edited June 27, 2015 by JB_Swag_Doctor73 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goekie Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 What's the difference between a truckload of babies and a truckload of sand? You can't unload a truck full of sand with a pitchfork Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotAFoxAnymore Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 What do you call the security guards at Samsung? The Guardians of the Galaxy. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scidillydocious Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 Awesome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thegirlruka Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 "#Primeday was more of a disappointment than I am to my parents" "A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteelFreaxx Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thegirlruka Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 I looked over some old messages with an ex on facebook and remembered why I liked her so much... It's not that the woman didn't know how to juggle... she just didn't have the balls to do it I went to premature ejaculators annonymous but nobody was there... I guess I came too early After kissing a woman in the gym for a few hours I said this isn't working out There was a sign in front of the drug rehab center. It said keep off the grass What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear? White vans Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got cut off... he's all right now i can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass I realized I haven't done the hokey pokey in 10 years. I guess when you get older you forget what it's all about I met a woman with twelve boobs. Sounds weird dozentit Why can't a bike stand on its own? Because it's two tired When life gives you melons you're probably dyslexic I used to be addicted to soap... but I'm clean now What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little I was going to tell a penis joke but it's too hard Need an ark? I Noah guy Sleeping comes so naturally to me I could do it with my eyes closed Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "so ah... how do you drive this thing" They told me I had type a blood... but it was a type o Why are iPhone chargers not called apple juice There was a man who entered a newspaper pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. The duck cop says to the duck drug dealer "hand over the quack" What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? No one ever paid 50 dollars to have a lentil on their face What's the best sounding computer? A Dell How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? Ten tickles What's the condition of the man who shoved six toy horses up his butt? Stable Next time you go to a restaurant you should leave your phone on the table and wait til the waiter asks if everything was OK with the meal and say "no. my cell phone didn't get any service" Why did the cowboy buy a dachsund? Someone told him to get a long little doggy 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RisingSenpai616 Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 What do you call an Irish person in a bad mood? Sober. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaM Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 (edited) Uh oh... Kuu-chan and Rising Senpai in a joke thread... this is going to be pun-y Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink. Edited December 26, 2015 by JaM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RabbiAndy Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Why did Sarah fall off the swing?She has no arms. Knock-knock, who's there?Not Sarah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akane__Zero Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 A kid says: "daddy, daddy, everyone at school says that I'm clueless"; and the man answers: "I'm not your dad and you live in the next house" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyTonberry Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Why was the cat scared of the tree? Because of it's bark (awful I know) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarsipanRumpan Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 (edited) Little Carl sits at his window and looks at the big guys playing football (Soccer). While he's watching he's dreaming that he may one day play with the big guys.One day, there were knocks on the door and Carls mother goes to open the door. Its the big kids who played soccer. Big kids: Hello, can't we please play football with little Carl Carl: Please mom, I've always wanted this!!Mom: But Carl.. You don't have any legs or arms? Big kids: Oh that's alright, we don't have a ball Edited December 27, 2015 by MarsipanRumpan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shinobi Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Have you seen Steven Wonders Cat? Neither has he. Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? It was a nice ceremony.. but the reception was amazing! I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. it's impossible to put down. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind. I used to be a banker but i lost interest. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thegirlruka Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Some of Anthony Jeselnik's lighter jokes I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that fucking thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, "No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him." I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby. Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine. My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person — so I can get a better girlfriend. You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotAFoxAnymore Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 I got a Bonnie Tyler GPS the other day, but it's not very good. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Legion_Immortal Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 What do you call a monkey in a minefield? Baboom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr_Mayus Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 So my niece (who is 4) just got into jokes so I decided to find my joke books from when I was a kid. The first one I opened to was this What does Darth Vader cook Chinese Food in? An Ewok I stopped and stared at the joke...isn't that one of the darkest "kids" jokes you have ever heard Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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