Cassylvania's Miserable Little Pile of Platinums

[Taruta13]

4 hours ago, Cassylvania said:

Anyway, maybe I was wrong about Monster Boy. I've doubled my playtime and still haven't found the third orb. I guess they're just not evenly spaced out.

Oh yeah, the lion orb and dragon orb take a lot longer to get than the snake and frog orbs and you tend to take a lot of damage. I won't even get into invading the castle to rescue Mr. Hoots to get your dragon powers back. Yeah, there is a thief that steals the dragon powers.

 

Oh, and you can eat the mosquitos as a frog.

 

Seriously, if Ajna was like my sidekick, she would... oops, sorry, gotta go, FFXIV queue.

Edited August 6, 2023 by Taruta13

[Cassylvania]

On 8/6/2023 at 9:14 AM, AihaLoveleaf said:

I made the rookie mistake once of setting down the controller while facing Stockpile Thomas in Demon's Souls. Learned a lot that day.

 

...I've done that too.

 

On 8/6/2023 at 1:19 PM, Taruta13 said:

Seriously, if Ajna was like my sidekick, she would... oops, sorry, gotta go, FFXIV queue.

 

Everybody needs an Ajna in their lives. She's basically my rock.

 

Let's see what Ethan has been up to since we last left him!

 

Ever since that incident at the mall, Ethan refused to let his son Shaun leave his sight. He walked him to school, sat behind him in the classroom, answered questions from the teacher for him, cut the crust from his bread at the same table as him during lunch period, and handed him toilet paper under the bathroom stall. The other kids laughed and made jokes, calling him 'Daddy's Boy,' but Shaun had grown numb to it. He'd be eighteen in a few years and then he could move out. As he watched his dad chase yet another cute girl away by asking to run a background check on her, Shaun sighed and took a seat next to his backpack on the top of the stairwell.

 

"She's clean," Ethan said, putting away his laptop. "You're free to engage in minor hand-holding."

 

"Dad, don't you have a job you should be at?"

 

"My job is to be right here with you, only son!"

 

Shaun sunk his face into his palms. Near the lockers next to him, a group of middle school girls were giggling. Shaun didn't need to look over or eavesdrop on their conversation to know what the topic of their conversation was about. It was always him. His popularity had absolutely plummeted since his dad had made him the sole focus of his life.

 

Ethan, oblivious to everything that was going on around him, checked his watch. "Come on, son! It's almost time for gym class. I hear we're playing dodgeball today. Anybody who hits you with a ball is going to have to go through me first!" He thrust out his chest proudly, causing the middle school girls to giggle harder. They pointed at Shaun with their painted nails and whispered things to each other. Shaun's face turned red and he grabbed his backpack and took off down the stairs. His dad trotted along behind.

 

What the girls didn't notice was the shadowy figure standing behind Shaun in the stairwell. This was surprising, considering he was all decked out in makeup and colorful clothes. His heavy shoes squeaked as he moved closer to the girls.

 

"How do you do, fellow kids?" he said, leaning against the lockers. He had to be at least forty years old.

 

The girls stopped giggling, looked at him, and then laughed even harder.

 

"Um, go away, loser," the leader of the group said. She put her finger and her thumb in the shape of an 'L' on her forehead and looked rather dumb while doing it.

 

The clown didn't budge.

 

"...You know, it's not nice to make fun of other people," he said. The girls probably couldn't see the scowl beneath his red lipstick. "It makes Ronald very, very unhappy. You wouldn't like Ronald when he's unhappy."

 

"Maybe you didn't get the hint," the girl started to say, but Ronald took out his wand and bopped her on the nose. Almost instantly, her nose began to get smaller and twitch. Tiny hairs sprouted from her cheeks. She couldn't tell what was happening at first, but the screams from the other girls clued her in.

 

"What did you do to her, you freak!?" one of them cried, trying to wrestle the wand away from him. The clown fought back and struck her across the face. Her ears and her front teeth suddenly grew ten times bigger. By the time the clown regained control of the wand, he had zapped all the girls and they were scurrying around on the floor as mice. He laughed maniacally and then looked for his next victim. Unfortunately, the rest of the hallway was empty.

 

That is, until Ethan came running back up the stairs. He was covered in sweat and didn't even notice the squeaking mice on the floor.

 

"Have you seen a small boy run past here!?" Ethan said, grabbing the clown by the shoulders. It seemed Shaun had ditched him in the locker room.

 

The clown scrunched his eyebrows. "Say, you look familiar... Weren't you that asshole who pushed me down in the mall a few days ago?" He raised his wand, ready to extract his revenge. "As I recall, you lost your son then too! That's not all you're about to lose..."

 

"I have to find Shaun!" Ethan threw the clown to the side and hurried off in the opposite direction. Due to his enormous shoes, the clown couldn't maintain his balance and tumbled down the stairs, likely shattering his bones as he fell. He landed at the bottom step with his torso over his neck and his left shoe dangling over his crotch. It was the school librarian who helped him to his feet.

 

"Are you okay?" she asked, but all she got was a fistful of pixie dust from his wand. She coughed and then turned into a whooping crane.

 

The middle school guidance counselor saw what was going on and rushed to help, but the clown turned him into a butterfly. Things were out of control now. He began zapping everybody in sight, turning both students and teachers into beasts. Monkeys, zebras, and buffalo began to fill the halls. Doors were knocked down. Windows were thrown open. The clown fought off an army of ten-year-olds and climbed into the air ducts to get away. Paws and tusks took swipes at him from every side. He realized now that he probably should have planned this attack a little better.

 

As Shaun casually walked home, unaware of what was going on, Ethan burst through the front doors of the school. A menagerie of animals followed.

 

"SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUN!!!" he screamed, but his voice was drowned out by howling dogs. The animals flooded the streets and threatened to turn downtown Philadelphia into a zoo.

 

Yeah, this is all normal.

Edited August 7, 2023 by Cassylvania

[Taruta13]

I really like how you are melding Heavy Rain and Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom into this, having Nanu dressed up as Ronald McDonald. I can't wait to see Jin show up.

[Cassylvania]

Did you know there are over 270 McDonald's in Philadelphia? I only know that because we had visited them all on our search for the mystical Dragon Balls. Not one of them had a single Dragon Ball in stock! It was only thanks to a stray ketchup stain on the map that, once wiped away, we noticed there was one McDonald's we had missed. It was on the northeast side of Philadelphia -- the bad part of town. As we rolled through it in the mail truck and saw the empty streets, I had a sinking feeling in my gut. We didn't belong here.

 

"Maybe we should ask Master Roshi to give us better directions," Ajna suggested. I was glad to know I wasn't alone with my fears.

 

Meredith kept a steady hand on the wheel. "It's too late to turn back now."

 

"It's really not. You could just--whoa, easy!"

 

The mail truck came to a sudden stop. We looked to see a disheveled man in a leather jacket standing in the middle of the road. There were tears in his eyes and he was limping towards us, either from pain or pure exhaustion.

 

"Please... help me..." he begged. "I lost my son."

 

"Oh, my God," Ajna said, reaching for the door handle.

 

Meredith's face grew dark and she quickly locked the doors. "Put your seatbelt on, Abner."

 

"What are you talking about? We have to help him."

 

"Oh, he ain't even hurt." She slammed on the gas pedal. The man screamed, we screamed, and the truck plowed into him with such force that his face was fully mashed into the windshield as we went careening down the street. I could see the absolute terror in his eyes only inches away from the dashboard and I jumped on the lever for the windshield wipers, hoping to knock him away. All they did was lightly thwack his cheek.

 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Ajna cried.

 

When we reached the McDonald's parking lot, Meredith hit the breaks and the man went careening into the brick wall in the front of the building. Ajna ran towards him, I quickly followed, and RNGeta vomited a few times. Meredith calmly turned off the ignition, realizing the threat wasn't as serious as she thought, and then checked the serrated knife taped to her shin just in case she turned out to be right after all.

 

"We're so, so sorry!" Ajna said, kneeling down next to the man. She grabbed some dirty napkins off the ground and dabbed at the blood trickling down his face. "If you wanted to sue Meredith for everything she owns, I wouldn't blame you. I'll even help you fill out the paperwork."

 

"My... son..." The man still seemed to be in a daze. I guess the concussion didn't help. "Please, I need to find Shaun..."

 

"We should put him out of his misery," Meredith said.

 

"He's FINE, Meredith! He just has a minor scratch on his forehead."

 

"I saw a great place back there where we can bury the body."

 

"Seriously, how are you not in jail right now?"

 

"Are you talking about the first escape or the eleventh?"

 

Ajna, looking even more annoyed than usual, turned back to the man and helped him to his feet. "Where did you last see your son? Of course we'll help you find him."

 

"He might have gotten taken by the curse," I suggested, but Ajna put a finger over her lips and shushed me.

 

"Thank you so much! I'm Ethan. Ethan Mars." His voice was still weak, but it looked like he was coming around.

 

"Oh, like the candy bar!" Meredith said.

 

"Right, Ethan..." Ajna walked him towards the truck, where RNGeta was still throwing up. What a baby. "So, your son is Shaun Mars. That's good. That gives us something to go on. Tell us everything you know."

 

I guess now we were in the market of finding lost kids. Fortunately, McDonald's seemed to be as good of a place as any to start! Meredith and I nodded at each other and went in to see if they had any Dragon Balls. Oh, and any missing children.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Cassylvania

[Taruta13]

Oh this writing is so rich. I'd send these over to Fanfiction.net for submission but considering that place is a Pit of Voles, Homosexual Slashfics and R-rated insanity(trust me, I had posted some Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon fanfics there and I regret it to this day ), I'm not going to jinx this. Then again, these writings would get a zillion comments from fangirls if they got published on Fanfiction.net.

 

Part of me wants to just play Monster Boy again on the fun account but right now I'm trying to platinum Nexomon again because that account's name is based on Pokemon.

 

As of now, I am sort of in a slump for games to platinum.

[Taruta13]

Sorry, I have to do this because I want to sow chaos in your thread regarding my trophy hunting. I put the text in spoilers in case nobody wants to read it.

 

Spoiler

DATE: August 9, 2023

PLACE: Some on the coast of Japan

TIME: 11:40 AM

 

"You have GOT to be kidding me, Nemona..."

 

Tataru Taru groaned as she looked down at her coatee and black maid hat and skirt. She looked at the other female Lalafell who was dressed up in a similar French maid outffit.

 

"Come on, Tats," said Nemona, winking. "I got this off the Mog Station for cheap, you should appreciate it."

 

"I can't believe we're doing this," groaned the secretary of the Scions of the Seventh Dawn. "Why?"

 

"You know why, my boss is somewhere here... I can smell him." Nemona sniffed the air.

 

"Are you sure you're not smelling his body odor?" groaned Tataru. "Seriously, why does he not shower every day, especially in his location? Texas weather is hotter than the Sangoli Desert, you'd think he'd..."

 

"Oh hai-o!" A lithe sexy black-haired woman in a similar maid outfit She had demonic eyes. "My name is Hisaki, are you new recruits to Sweet Shoreline?"

 

"Uh... hai," said Nemona with a curt nod. "We hear you have a handsome manager called Naoyo. We need to speak with him, uh, pronto!"

 

Hisaki got an evil look. "No, he is ours! It's hard enough to make Naoyo-kun our slave, you will not get in the way!" She bared her fangs, Tataru flipped out...

 

And then a blast of dragonfire knocked Hisaki into the counter, knocking her unconscious. A little dragon and a dragon humanoid in full armor, sword and shield came in.

 

"Thanks," sighed Tataru. "Last thing I want is to be kidnapped by a demon!"

 

"No problem," said the dragon-man, giving a fanged grin. "We're looking for my uncle, Nanu. You know about him? Small guy, wears a jester hat, stinking drunk and turning people into animals with a magic wand?"

 

The two Lalafell looked at each other, then shrugged.

 

"I knew it," said the dragon. "Jin, we aren't anywhere NEAR Nanu, the only animals here are cats, and they seem like actual cats."

 

Jin, the dragon-man, sighed. "This sucks."

 

"Excuse me," said a voice. A pink-haired woman in a witch's outfit emerged from the back. "You said you were looking for someone? Perhaps I can help. I am a fortune-teller. Kuu is my name."

 

"If you can help us, we've be grateful," said Jin. "We have to stop Nanu and get him sober so he can change everyone back." Without warning, Jin transformed into a frog-man and lashed his tongue out, catching a mosquito who had been stupid and slipped into the idol cafe, eating it with a crunch. "Sorry, I was a bit hungry."

 

"Jin, this is not the time," said the dragon. "Kuu, right? We told you what Nanu looks like, can you find him?"

 

Kuu took out a crystal ball and gazed into it, her eyes glowing purple. "Yes... the spirits are responding..."

 

"Wow, she'd give Matoya a run for her money," said Nemona. She saw Tataru's searing glare and sweatdropped.  "Oops, sorry, spoilers, haven't gotten to the Dravania Hinterlands yet."

 

"Yes... the man you seek is in a city called Philadelphia, far east across the ocean." Kuu said. "But be warned, others are seeking him, including a psychopath, an insane man with bad hair, a horny mailwoman and... a slug with cat ears?" She tapped her crystal ball. "Oh, and some really pissed off dark-skinned woman who seems to hate the world. They seek his death, they all look armed and dangerous."

 

"Ugh, I knew this was not going to be easy," said the dragon. "Come on, Jin, let's fly over there."

 

"Brother," moaned Jin, changing back to the dragon-man. "I just got my talisman back from that pirate, I'm still getting used to flight."

 

"Well, we can't teleport there, there's no portal active," scolded the dragon. "Thanks, miss." The two dragons left the building.

 

"Can we check your ball, miss Kuu?" asked Nemona. "We're looking for a fat fifty-year old man with gray hair and bags under his eyes..."

 

Kuu rubbed the ball. "This man of yours is in Krokotopia."

 

Tataru groaned as Hisaki slowly stood, murder in her eyes. "Come on, Nemona. There's nothing for us here. If CJ was here, he's gone now. Let's get back to Ishgard so you can go find these stupid dragons." She teleported away.

 

Nemona whined. "But... the outfits are cute!" She sighed and teleported away too.

 

I didn't like playing the So you want to run an idol cafe? series but to be honest, I am sort of a bit burned out on trophies right now.

[Briste]

 

 

[Cassylvania]

Well, I was hoping to give you guys a new review, but the game I'm currently playing had other ideas. I'm going to have to wait until an easier seed is available. In the meantime, I guess we can continue my canonically-accurate journey...

 

The five of us were gathered at a booth in the last McDonald's in Philadelphia. They too were out of Dragon Balls. As we listened to Ethan talk about his lost son and we told him about our own epic quest, my suspicion that our situations were connected only grew stronger. Perhaps it was destiny that we had run into him, not just Meredith's negligence for human life. I listened to him quietly while coloring in the kid's trayliner Ajna had given me.

 

"You mentioned a clown," Ajna was saying. "You said he was there right after your son disappeared?"

 

"Yes! He was there when my other only son was taken from me too..."

 

"Your...other...only son?"

 

"Yes. Jason. He and Shaun were like brothers..." Ethan wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve. "I lost him just a few weeks ago, in the mall."

 

"You must be a really sucky father to lose two children in less than a month," RNGeta laughed. He was stuffing his place with a burger and didn't even bother to chew. I for one was disgusted and I'm sure the girls felt the same. "How is that even possible?"

 

"My wife will never forgive me..."

 

"It's not your fault," Ajna assured him. "There's just a weirdo running around in a clown costume and causing trouble. I'm sure the curse can be reversed."

 

"Is that what happened to you?" Ethan asked, looking at me.

 

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

 

"We need a description of this clown," Ajna said, pressing Ethan. "Do you remember what he looks like?"

 

"Does he look anything like THIS?" I asked, holding up the trayliner, which had all the McDonald's mascots holding hands in the parking lot. I had colored in Ronald McDonald to make things easy.

 

Ethan studied the drawing carefully. "I don't remember him having green skin... and I'm pretty sure his skin didn't go outside the lines."

 

"Hey, you try coloring with paws."

 

"No, I'm sorry... The one I saw was more jester than clown. I think you have the wrong guy."

 

"That's why you should all just listen to me," Ajna said. "You can't just go beating up every person wearing makeup that you see. Or RUNNING THEM OVER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET." She glared at Meredith when she said this. "I'm also pretty sure I was right when I said we weren't going to find the Dragon Balls by BUYING THEM AT MCDONALD'S." Now it was my turn to feel her wrath.

 

"Wow, you're really loud."

 

"I know, right?" RNGeta said, with his mouth still full.

 

Ajna whipped out her cell phone and began dialing Master Roshi's number. "I'm going to do what we should have done in the beginning." She put the phone on speaker, set it down in the middle of the table, and folded her arms as it rang once, twice, and a third third. Finally, Master Roshi picked up.

 

"Hello?" he said. "Who is this?"

 

"It's Ajna."

 

"Eh?"

 

"Ajna."

 

"Edna?"

 

"AJ-NA."

 

"Oh, right! Ajna. You're the goofy little one with the pointy ears and the tail."

 

"What? No." She put her fingers on her temples and began rubbing. "Look. You sent us on a wild goose chase for those stupid Dragon Balls. We don't even know where to begin looking."

 

"...Have you tried McDonald's?"

 

"I told you," I said.

 

"THEY'RE NOT AT FUCKIN' MCDONALD'S."

 

Now the people behind the cash register were giving us stares. Sometimes it was hard to take Ajna to public places...

 

"Kids these days... No patience, I tell you!" I could almost hear the disappointment in Master Roshi's voice. "Fine. If you want help finding the Dragon Balls, I can assist you. But you will have to overcome THE FIVE TRIALS OF THE FURRIES." Somehow, it was a lot less ear-piercing when Master Roshi raised his voice.

 

"The five...what?"

 

"THE BEAR. THE BUTTERFLY. THE LIZARD. THE SHARK. AND THE RAT. ONLY ONCE YOU PASS ALL FIVE TRIALS WILL YOU BE DEEMED WORTHY OF THE MYSTICAL DRAGON BALLS."

 

"Is this some stupid thing you just made up now?"

 

I could hear Master Roshi cackling behind all the static.

 

"We have to do this," I told Ajna. "If Master Roshi prepared these trials for us, there must be a reason!"

 

"Yeah, he wants to WASTE OUR FUCKIN' TIME."

 

"I think we should do it," Meredith said. "We don't have any other leads."

 

Ethan leaned across the table. "And we have to rescue Shaun! These magic balls might be the only way."

 

Ajna looked at RNGeta, hoping for at least one person to take her side.

 

"Please tell me you're against this," she said.

 

"Actually, you're even more annoying than Cassarot. If this makes you mad, I'M ALL FOR IT!"

 

I couldn't believe my ears. Maybe RNGeta wasn't such an asshole after all.

 

By now, I could see Ajna realized she was outnumbered. Sometimes being the smartest person in the world isn't a good thing. I mean, that's what I've heard anyway. I've never been in that situation. But I think, deep down, Ajna was glad that we could all agree on something. I knew Master Roshi had a plan for us. He wanted us to come together, to learn to be a team. Everything Master Roshi did was for a reason, and I had no doubt this was the same. Ajna was just a little more stubborn than the rest of us. I knew she would eventually come around.

 

We gathered around the phone and waited for Master Roshi to explain the first trial to us...

Edited August 11, 2023 by Cassylvania

[Taruta13]

On 8/10/2023 at 11:04 PM, Cassylvania said:

Why does everyone keep asking me that?

 

Uh, maybe because you haven't turned back into a human yet? Seriously, I know you are still not over Rain World but don't you think you need better?

 

This series of ancedotes reminds me of Journey to the West, which I got a summary of by Red of Overly Sarcastic Productions. I never realized how hilarious that story gets, and how gross it gets.

[Cassylvania]

10 hours ago, Taruta13 said:

Uh, maybe because you haven't turned back into a human yet? Seriously, I know you are still not over Rain World but don't you think you need better?

 

I mean, I was going to use my Jin form, but he seemed too close to Goku.

 

Anyway, against my better judgement, I decided to finish this early...

 

Platinum #393 - Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom

 

I heard someone call this "Diet Shantae," which could be seen as a slight against this game (or everybody's favorite purple-haired genie), but I can see the comparison. The colorful graphics, the bubbly characters, the bumpin' music, the Metroidvania-level design, the puzzles, the platforming, the backtracking to find collectibles, and the various animal forms that help you to navigate the environment all remind me of something you'd see in the more recent Shantae games. The main character is even named Jin, which is short for Djinn, which is just another word for "genie"!  It's hard NOT to compare this game to Shantae. Which, of course, is fine by me, as I love that series enough to make it a milestone trophy every chance I get.

 

So, let's start with the story. Your uncle Nabu, who is dressed as a jester for some reason, turns everybody in Monster World into an animal and it's up to you to break the curse. That's a ridiculous plot and I don't know why anybody would put it in a story.

 

Now, the first thing that bothered me is that every NPC you talk to has some sort of pun for their name based on the animal they turned into. For example, there's a character named Mysticat and another named Sister Abigoat. Am I supposed to believe that a person named "Abigoat" just happened to turn into a goat, or did she earn that name when the transformation happened? The game is never clear about that and that stuff bothers me. 

 

Even more bizarrely, Jin -- the character you play as -- spends most of the game as an animal. That's what separates this from Shantae. In every Shantae game that has animal forms that I've played, you're mostly in human (well, half-human, since she's still part genie) form. You typically only transform where you need to use as a special power or ability. In Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom, you don't have the option to play as human Jin. You start the game as a pig and you're stuck being a pig until you earn your next transformation. From there, you're swapping between forms when certain situations arise. (But if you're anything like me, you'll probably default back to your favorite transformation, which is usually the newest one you received because typically the later forms are more powerful. The snake is the only exception. You never openly play as the snake.)

 

There are five animal forms: pig, snake, frog, lion, and dragon. This isn't a spoiler because you can literally see them on all the front cover and in the intro cutscene (which I enjoyed, by the way). The first two are pretty limited, but the latter three have the ability to wear armor and use weapons, which increase their utility. The ice sword, for example, can freeze enemies, while the fire sword...well, you can figure that out. The pig is NOT able to use armor or weapons, which doesn't make much sense to me since he's just as human-esque as the others (maybe it's a fat joke?), but he's the only animal form able to use magic. Since magic is limited, I don't know why you'd go back to the pig once you unlock the frog transformation. The game keeps every form relevant because you're constantly having to turn into a pig to use a spell or turn into a snake so you can fit into small spaces, but 90% of the time, you're just going to pick the frog until you unlock the lion and the lion until you unlock the dragon. Once you have the option to be a dragon and literally FLY and BREATHE FIRE, why would you want to be anything else?

 

Regardless, that's good game design. You should get more powerful as you advance later into the game. It also makes backtracking much easier than it otherwise could've been. Sections that you used to struggle with because the pig can't jump very high and the snake is borderline useless? You'll tear through them as a lion or dragon. And that's good because there is a LOT of backtracking. It actually got to the point that I was glad I didn't have to play through the game a second time. I don't think I could. I'd routinely go through rooms as a more powerful character and think to myself, "Wow, I REALLY hated this room back when I could only be a pig." Don't take my powers away from me.

 

Which brings me to the difficulty. I'll admit I scoffed at first when I saw the 4/10. That's getting to big boy territory. I figured this would at most be a high 3/10. Perhaps an extra tough final boss or a few platforming sections that would test your skill, but I expected most of the game to be in the "casual gamer" tier. I was wrong. This game shits all over you from beginning to end. You are going to die. Jin takes so much damage from even basic enemies that you'll be desperately hoping every enemy you kill drops a heart instead of gold. This wouldn't be so bad if checkpoints restored your health, but most of them don't. That means, even when you do die, you're probably going to have to do that same section again on low health. And some of the checkpoint placement is questionable at best. The pirate ship is the first one that comes to mind, but the ENTIRE volcano is bullshit. Whoever designed that area had a bad morning and wanted to take it out on the world. The length between checkpoints, the platforming, and the enemy placement is downright sadistic. 

 

I'd say most of the game toes the line between a 3 or 4 in difficulty, which is very different than if most of the game is on the easy side and only a couple sections are meant to challenge you. Because of that, I think it does deserve the higher number. It's also a BIT misleading because the difficulty spike doesn't come immediately. I'd say the game really begins ripping you a new asshole once you unlock the frog transformation. But once it's there, it stays there until the end of the game. (I beat the game with 206 deaths. Your goal is to beat that.)

 

As far as downsides go, I'd say one thing I disliked is how much time you'll spend in menus. There's a radial wheel for your transformations, another radial wheel for the pig's spells, and a whole menu screen of radials for your weapons and armor (shield, tunic, bracelet, and boots). Because everything has its uses and isn't an obvious upgrade, you'll be swapping between these things a lot. For example, you get heavy boots that allow you to sink in water, but another pair of boots that let you double jump. Yeah, sure, let's copy the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time. Everybody loved that.

 

You also get bonuses if all your equipment is of a matching set, so if you REALLY wanted to benefit from the double jump boots, you'd also switch the other four gear pieces to the one that matches. You'd go crazy if you tried doing this every time you need to swap a piece out for something else. (That said, I grossly underestimated how good these bonuses are. The fire set, for example, restores your health while walking. That's game-breaking as far as I'm concerned. The only problem is you'd have to FIND all five pieces and upgrade them before you can take advantage of the bonus. That would generally require being pretty late in the game.)

 

I don't talk about music or graphics as much as I should in some of these reviews because I think I take it for granted, but it's top-notch here. I'd just like to say that before I bitch more about the gameplay because that's what I do.

 

A lot of collectibles are not accessible the first time you encounter them. This is typical for Metroidvanias. I just found it a bit frustrating here because you don't get the ability to fast travel until I think midway through the game, and even then, each area only has a single teleporter. That means, "Yo dawg, I heard you like backtracking, so I put backtracking on your backtracking so you can backtrack while you backtrack." It's also not immediately clear when you gain the ability to do the thing you need to do to access that collectible. Like, OK, there's a treasure chest on a ledge that's too high for you to reach. I'm no genius, but I'm smart enough to figure out that when I gain the ability to double jump, I should be able to get it. But then you see a block that you need to break and there are a bunch of abilities in this game that can break blocks, but there's no indication of which ability will work on that block. Do you bomb it? Ground pound it? Hit it with a really heavy mace? And it's weird because SOME blocks have a bomb icon on it to indicate what you're supposed to do, but then other blocks DON'T have a bomb icon and that's literally the only skill that will work.

 

The biggest troll of all are the chests that can only be opened by magic. You'll see a flame icon on it and think to yourself, "Oh, I just need the pig to throw a fireball at it!" Then you'll do that and a number will pop up and you'll realize you need x amount of fireballs in order to make that happen. This is just arbitrary gatekeeping because now you have to remember not only where the chest is, but how many fireballs you'll need to have on it when you get back to it. (There are additional collectibles that allow the pig to store up more uses of a spell, so you'll need to find those first before you can open the chest.) I don't like when a game teases me like that. If I reach a chest and I have the right key, I don't want to be told I need more keys. Stupid cockblocking lock. 

 

But one nice thing is you're actually rewarded for your efforts, regardless of when you decide to backtrack. If you backtrack the moment you have the right ability, you might gain an additional heart piece or an item that allows you to upgrade one of your gear pieces -- both of which will make your journey through the game much easier. If you wait, though, you might be able to completely bypass the challenge of reaching that collectible. For example, there might be a treasure chest that requires navigating through some tricky platforming as the frog. If you do it as soon as you can turn into a frog, you might struggle, but the reward could help you with the next section of the game. If you wait until you can be a dragon, you can't take advantage of the reward right away, but you can completely skip the platforming by flying over everything. This is one of the reasons I hate collectibles in a lot of other games because there's often very little incentive to getting them until you've made navigation easier. Here, because MOST (not all) collectibles are useful, there actually is a reason for attempting to get them as soon as you see them or backtracking to ones you're previously seen.

 

I'd also like to thank whoever designed the map. It is one of the best maps I've seen in a game like this. It makes it very easy to navigate through each area and to see which collectibles you've found. You can just match this up to a completed map online to see which collectibles you've missed. (You can also buy hints that mark a location of an item you haven't found, but these are expensive and probably best saved for the very end of the game, when you only have a couple chests left.) I missed a ton of chests on my playthrough, not just because I didn't have the right ability at the time, but because some of them are well-hidden and others have absolutely zero indication that there's even a chest there. Like, sometimes a chest appears when you kill all the enemies in a room? Can I get some sort of advanced notice about this? It doesn't help when enemies typically respawn and you're often better off just avoiding enemies than killing them because you're more likely to take damage than to get a worthwhile drop.

 

Anyway, it's a cute game that has a surprising difficulty curve. I wouldn't call it Diet Shantae. I'd call it Crystal Shantae -- a slight variation from regular Pepsi and maybe a little outdated, sure, but not one without its merits. I might even play the other games in the series because of it. Since it's free with PS+, I see no reason not to recommend it if you're subscribed to the service.

 

... Is that it? Can I enjoy the rest of my month without the developer dropping a 150+ hour DLC on me? That's good because I'd kinda like to be moved into my new house by September. I didn't expect it to take ten months to renovate.

Edited August 13, 2023 by Cassylvania

[Cassylvania]

Did you expect a double platinum night? I didn't think so.

 

Platinum #394 - Risk of Rain 2

 

I forget. Did I review the first game? I think I did. I know it didn't have a platinum (and I beat it in like one day), so there's only like a 50/50 chance that I bothered writing a review, but I remember liking it. Actually, the only reason I played it is because I heard Risk of Rain 2 was really good and I felt I should probably play the original game first. So, did this one live up to the hype? Let's find out.

 

To begin, there's no reason to play the original before this, unless you're OCD about doing things in chronological order. As far as I could tell, they're completely separate games, despite having a lot in common (e.g. characters, items, overall objective, etc.). The main thing that sets them apart is that Risk of Rain is in 2D and Risk of Rain 2 is in 3D. I also think co-op is a bigger focus in the sequel, but you can do it solo too. More on that in a bit. I guess the neat thing in playing these games so close to each other is that you get to see how the basic concept of the first game can be translated into three-dimensions. So, we should probably talk about how the game plays.

 

Just like in the first game, you only have a few characters to choose from at the start, but you can unlock more by completing various objects, such as completing certain stages or beating the game. Every character has four skills that are mapped to the shoulder buttons. I believe R2 is considered your primary attack, while L2 is your secondary attack. L1 is typically a movement ability, but it depends on the character, and R1 seems to be a special skill. All of these except your primary attack have a cooldown. The reason I say it depends on the character is because I only ever played as the Huntress, Engineer, and MUL-T. I have no clue how the others play. But I'll explain the game as if you're playing as the Huntress, since she's the most basic of the bunch. If you press L2, she throws a glaive (whatever that is -- I call it a boomerang) that bounces between enemies. L1 causes her to dash forward, which is really great for escaping enemies, and R1 allows her to hover in the air for a moment and rain a volley of arrows down on a group of enemies. That's also surprisingly good for escaping enemies. But what I like most is her primary attack because all you have to do is HOLD down R2 and she'll fire an arrow at any nearby enemy. That was NOT the case for the Engineer, who requires pressing R2 every time you want to launch an attack. I'm lazy. I prefer auto-attacking. (That said, the Engineer can place turrets that attack for him, so it's not like I had to work up a sweat playing as him.)

 

Now, stats vary across characters too. The Huntress is naturally faster than other characters, but she also has low HP. When you die in this game, you're kicked back to the main menu. There is no in-game saving or save scumming. A typical run through the game will probably last about an hour. (Well, not really. It will be much shorter than that because you'll probably die.)

 

You see, this is another difficult game. @Briste and I... we meet up like once a week to play games. Usually Genshin. And we're pretty cocky. We've gotten to the point where we can beat the hardest content in the game so easily that we're actively trying to use the crappiest, most meme'd-on characters to give ourselves a little challenge. Well, we tried carrying that cockiness over to Risk of Rain 2. It didn't go well. Despite...I dunno, a couple dozens attempts over a few months, we NEVER beat this game in co-op. We came close a couple times. Even got to the final boss once. Briste died on me, of course, but I managed to get through the rest of the level without him. Took me about an hour. He just sat back and watched and cheered me on as I slowly whittled away at enemies. I was playing as the little robot MUL-T, so I'd sneak in a few hits and then run away and recover my HP before trying again. I was probably fighting the boss for like 30 minutes. I was in the zone. I was dodging every attack. It just took SO long. When his HP bar finally hit zero, I wanted to scream out in joy, and then my hopes were instantly dashed as the boss entered a second phase and absolutely wiped the floor with my ass. I put my controller down. I stared blankly at the game over screen for a few minutes while Briste tried to comfort me. I remember none of this. I was so empty inside that I just shut everything down and went to bed. I don't think I touched the game for another three months.

 

You see, the game gets harder over time. Like the original, you're constantly forced between farming for items in the level you're in or trying to advance through the game as quickly as possible. Items are EVERYTHING. The more items you have, the less important your skills become. Eventually, with enough items, it doesn't even matter what character you're playing as because everything starts dying in one hit. The problem is that it's still very easy to go from full HP to dead. There are just some attacks or situations that will end your run prematurely, no matter how powerful you feel.

 

I just kinda want to discuss some of the items in the game and how they're useful. Understand there are a lot more item than this, many are unavailable at first, and it is possible to stack items. In fact, you often WANT multiple copies of the same item. When playing as the Huntress, some of my favorite items were the Soldier's Syringe (increases attack speed), Lens-Maker's Glasses (increases chance to critical strike), and Tri-Tip Dagger (increases chance to bleed an enemy). There are also a lot of defensive items and items that make you move or sprint faster. I liked having at least 10-15 speed increases. It's probably the first thing you want to focus on in a run. The Hopoo Feather is also really nice because every one you have gives you an extra mid-air jump. That means, yes, you could just keep stacking these and spend the entire game in the air. Many of these items complement each other too. For example, Predatory Instincts, which is an uncommon item, increases your attack speed every time you land a critical strike. Obviously, that's really nice to pair with the glasses.

 

But how do you get these items? Well, it's mostly up to RNG. You have to open chests or pay money to altars and hope you get something you want. Occasionally, you'll come across a machine that will offer you the choice of three items. It will take you sometime to recognize what each item is, though. When you first start playing, you'll have no idea. And, of course, there are some items that have drawbacks. These risk vs. reward items are stuff like Shaped Glass, which increases your base damage by 100% (!), but cuts your health in half (WTF!?). Fortunately, these are typically only Lunar items, which you'll never accidentally pick up because they're only available in the special shop. Doesn't mean that every item is useful for every character, though.

 

Now, because the items you get during a run are RNG-based, every run is going to be feel somewhat unique -- at least, in the beginning. It's also random what level you're going to get. I think there are two possibilities for each stage, with five total stages per run. Honestly, I didn't care for the level variety. They're all basically a series of floating platforms in space, which was a bit disappointing. Naturally, I ended up liking the desert and snow area the most because they're the only ones NOT like that. Monster variety is a little better, but I think most monsters are restricted to specific stages.

 

The trophy guide says 15 hours to platinum. Excuse me while I blow the bullshit alarm. This game has 26k owners and only nine have the platinum in that time. I'm also going to blow the bullshit alarm on the difficulty, which is listed as a 3. If Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom was a 4, so is this. In FACT, if it wasn't for the thing I'm about to talk about it, this could end up being the hardest game I've played this year.

 

Welcome to the part of the review where I make your platinum journey much easier. Artifacts. You want these. Learn what they are and unlock them. The one you REALLY want is the Artifact of Command, which lets you choose the items you want. That applies to EVERY item you encounter in the game. No more RNG. The only thing that kinda sucks about this is that the game doesn't pause while you're making your selection, so it's possible to take damage or even die while you're scrolling through the menu. The key is knowing what item you want before you open the menu. The other artifacts you want to unlock are Sacrifice (enemies drop items on death, but chests are removed) and Swarms (enemy spawns are doubled). You can see how these would be overpowered. Yes, more enemies suck, but you're killing them faster and giving yourself more opportunities to stack any item you want. This honestly should have been the default setting for the game, if only because it actually makes the game fun. I did NOT enjoy this game all that much when I had to rely on RNG. It's not even really because of the difficulty. It's because the game only starts to be fun when you stack multiple copies of the same item, which just takes too long and isn't all that likely if you're just going for a normal run. Yes, you have the option to "loop" (warp back to the first stage), but now you're looking at a multi-hour run that, again, cannot be saved at any time. I hate that feature in any video game. I actually lost a run because I had to go to bed and putting my PS5 on Rest Mode didn't let me continue from where I left off. Not to mention we've had several storms in my area where, gee, I dunno, I'd rather not have my console on. I just don't see why it's so taboo to allow the player to save their progress. Are the Playstation police going to come after me if I try to save scum my way to victory in a single player game?

 

And yes, there is a trophy that requires looping multiple times, so I hope you don't have a power outage in the 2-3 hours that it could take you.

 

Anyway, I could gripe for hours. A lot of things annoyed me. But you know what the really annoying thing is? I enjoyed it. It beats you down, but there's definitely a "Just one more run" feel here. I actually almost wish there were more trophies. Would you believe there's no trophy for beating the game? I actually did beat the final boss on my own, but all it does is unlock a new character. I kinda wish there was a trophy for beating the game with each character, instead of the stupid ones, like chasing 20 hermit crabs off the stage. That was dumb in the original and it was dumb here.

 

I think this game was free on PS+, but it's easily worth...I dunno, $20? I got 34 hours of game time out of it. And remember, that's quality game time. I could probably have doubled it and had just as good of a time. I'd find more to complain about, but what game do I honestly find perfect? I mean, except Super Mario RPG. That's basically the greatest game ever made.

 

So, there you go, guys. My only real question after playing this is, "Where's the rain?" There was literally zero precipitation in either of these games. Quite disappointing after I spent last month getting completely washed out.

Edited August 13, 2023 by Cassylvania

[realm722]

12 minutes ago, Cassylvania said:

You see, this is another difficult game. @Briste and I... we meet up like once a week to play games. Usually Genshin. And we're pretty cocky. We've gotten to the point where we can beat the hardest content in the game so easily that we're actively trying to use the crappiest, most meme'd-on characters to give ourselves a little challenge. Well, we tried carrying that cockiness over to Risk of Rain 2. It didn't go well. Despite...I dunno, a couple dozens attempts over a few months, we NEVER beat this game in co-op. We came close a couple times. Even got to the final boss once. Briste died on me, of course, but I managed to get through the rest of the level without him. Took me about an hour. He just sat back and watched and cheered me on as I slowly whittled away at enemies. I was playing as the little robot MUL-T, so I'd sneak in a few hits and then run away and recover my HP before trying again. I was probably fighting the boss for like 30 minutes. I was in the zone. I was dodging every attack. It just took SO long. When his HP bar finally hit zero, I wanted to scream out in joy, and then my hopes were instantly dashed as the boss entered a second phase and absolutely wiped the floor with my ass. I put my controller down. I stared blankly at the game over screen for a few minutes while Briste tried to comfort me. I remember none of this. I was so empty inside that I just shut everything down and went to bed. I don't think I touched the game for another three months.

 

That is an AMAZING anecdote hahaha. All you can really ask from games at the end of the day are memorable experiences and that's a story to tell for years down the line. Thank you for including it. 

 

13 minutes ago, Cassylvania said:

The trophy guide says 15 hours to platinum. Excuse me while I blow the bullshit alarm. This game has 26k owners and only nine have the platinum in that time. I'm also going to blow the bullshit alarm on the difficulty, which is listed as a 3. If Monster Boy and the Cursed Kingdom was a 4, so is this. In FACT, if it wasn't for the thing I'm about to talk about it, this could end up being the hardest game I've played this year.

 

15 strikes me as insanely low. I'll be perfectly honest and say that Risk of Rain 2 is so relatively old in my memory (coming up 3 years now in October since the plat) that all I really remember is enjoying it but I looked it up and found it took me 29 hours. Granted, I played 100% solo and was focusing largely on trophies. 15 seems... it's more like 25 minimum. 

 

15 minutes ago, Cassylvania said:

You can see how these would be overpowered. Yes, more enemies suck, but you're killing them faster and giving yourself more opportunities to stack any item you want. This honestly should have been the default setting for the game, if only because it actually makes the game fun. I did NOT enjoy this game all that much when I had to rely on RNG. It's not even really because of the difficulty. It's because the game only starts to be fun when you stack multiple copies of the same item, which just takes too long and isn't all that likely if you're just going for a normal run.

 

Hahah you and me feel quite similarly. Hell, that was essentially what I started my review with.

 

Quote

Risk of Rain 2 is.... The Video Game Players Video Game.  

 

What the hell does that mean? That means this game was designed to be broken. In the absolute greatest, most magnificent, glorious way possible. This is a game that asks you to break it, and when you do, it swiftly decides to deliver the most fervent kick to the nuts in an attempt to stop you.

 

When you're just making an absolutely broken character with insane jumps/speed where you're FLYING across the entire map and shooting at an obscene fire rate with 80% critical with all those teddy bears and the game is throwing an on-slaught of everything it has at you... no other game I've found has offered an experience quite like it. 

 

17 minutes ago, Cassylvania said:

Anyway, I could gripe for hours. A lot of things annoyed me. But you know what the really annoying thing is? I enjoyed it. It beats you down, but there's definitely a "Just one more run" feel here. I actually almost wish there were more trophies. Would you believe there's no trophy for beating the game? I actually did beat the final boss on my own, but all it does is unlock a new character. I kinda wish there was a trophy for beating the game with each character, instead of the stupid ones, like chasing 20 hermit crabs off the stage. That was dumb in the original and it was dumb here.

 

YESSSSS!!! You perfectly encapsulated my final thoughts with this. Copy and paste from the end of my review... 

 

Quote

My only complaints are this - somehow, the same as the original. 1) I wish the trophies had been a little bit harder to keep me playing longer and 2) I wish the game had asked me to learn to play the other characters. I think not forcing a 20 stage Monsoon run is cool, and the fact you can manipulate Artifacts is fun as well - but asking me to learn at least a basic trophy or two with other characters rather than having so many super easy trophies would have made the one change I'd make.

 

I never played with any character aside from the starting original because... the game never forced my hand to play as somebody else. Actually being forced to learn the fundamentals of some of the other characters who had so much effort put into them would have been nice. 

 

Great job with both reviews. It's like when a musician puts out a double album. Gee I sure hope the wheel is a merciful being this time and let's you enjoy some time in paradise... or FORGETS about all the hell it wants to cause in your life. What am I saying? It's gonna be Tetris Effect. 

[Taruta13]

4 hours ago, Cassylvania said:

Anyway, against my better judgement, I decided to finish this early...

Eh, don't worry about it. It's not meant to be a 100-hour title. I'm actually putting this as my first platinum for my alternate account.

[Taruta13]

11 hours ago, Cassylvania said:

My only real question after playing this is, "Where's the rain?" There was literally zero precipitation in either of these games.

I think Rain World stole all the precipitation.

 

Also, you mentioned Super Mario RPG... guess what's getting remade in 2024 by Nintendo?

 

Glad you liked Monster Boy. I enjoyed the game but I do agree that you need a guide to get all the trophies because there's a ton of backtracking, but then again, it's a Metroidvania. What do you expect?

 

I'm just glad that my recommendation got rolled, and I wish you good luck on your fourth roll.

Edited August 13, 2023 by Taruta13

[Cassylvania]

15 hours ago, realm722 said:

15 strikes me as insanely low. I'll be perfectly honest and say that Risk of Rain 2 is so relatively old in my memory (coming up 3 years now in October since the plat) that all I really remember is enjoying it but I looked it up and found it took me 29 hours. Granted, I played 100% solo and was focusing largely on trophies. 15 seems... it's more like 25 minimum.

 

I think 25 hours is fair. I'm actually surprised it "only" took me 34. It felt like a lot more, considering how often I feel I played it this year.

 

Oh! I forgot the best part of the game. The music goes SO hard. Like, it has no business being as awesome as it is when it kicks in. It's like the whole soundtrack is a final boss fight.

 

4 hours ago, Taruta13 said:

I'm just glad that my recommendation got rolled, and I wish you good luck on your fourth roll.

 

Hard to think we're already a quarter of the way done, huh?

 

Well, I guess I have to catch my character up...

 

TRIAL #1: ThE tRiAl Of ThE bEar

 

For the first trial, Master Roshi told us to get in the mail truck and take it to I-95. It was a little crowded with the five of us in the van, but Ethan's forehead had finally stopped bleeding and I think everybody was just glad that we finally had some direction for our quest. We had Master Roshi on speaker and we were blasting some killer jams.

 

We couldn't help but notice how many citizens had turned into animals. Fur and scales were now more common than skin. Most of them were walking around as if nothing was wrong, but we didn't know how long it would last.

 

"When you get on the interstate, I want you to drive for five miles," Master Roshi said.

 

Meredith turned down the radio. "Then what?"

 

"That's it! Complete this trial and you will be rewarded with your first Dragon Ball."

 

"Are you serious?" Ajna asked. "You just want us to DRIVE? What do you think we've been doing this whole time?"

 

"Ah, ah, ah. Not so quickly, my young padawans. Have you forgotten what season it is in Pennsylvania?"

 

I thought about it for a second and then gasped. If it wasn't winter, that could only mean one thing...

 

"CONSTRUCTION!" I screamed in horror. "We'll be stuck in traffic for HOURS."

 

"With nowhere to go pee," Master Roshi cackled. "Perhaps this trial will teach you kids some patience." He continued laughing while the rest of us groaned and prepared for the most boring afternoon of our lives.

 

"We don't have time for this," Ajna said. "There has to be another way."

 

"Perhaps there is," Meredith said thoughtfully. She put on her sunglasses as the light turned green. "He said we have to drive, but not in which direction."

 

"Oh, that’s true! We could go away from the construction." Ajna flashed a rare smile. "That’s actually really smart, Meredith. I didn’t expect that from you."

 

I'm not sure how long it was before Ajna realized Meredith had veered onto the exit ramp and was driving straight into oncoming traffic. I think it was sometime between the car we sideswiped and the garbage truck that nearly flattened us as we merged. Either way, the expression on her face was priceless. I’m pretty sure her eyes popped out of her head.

 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" she screamed, while the rest of us threw our arms up in the air and cheered. Except for Meredith, of course, who was practicing safe driving by keeping both hands on the wheel at all times.

 

Cars whipped past us going 80 MPH. I leaned out the window and tried to get an oncoming semi to blow its horn for us, but the driver wasn’t having any of that. He shouted some things that I wouldn't dare repeat and I thought maybe I'd join RNGeta in mooning the other drivers instead. Not wanting to be left out, Ethan did the same. Unfortunately, we only had two side windows, so he and RNGeta had to share. I'm not sure Ajna appreciated them reaching across her body like that.

 

"My wife would never let me do this," Ethan said, as we hit a speed bump that was a loose fender barreling across the road from a car we had almost hit. We banged our heads on the roof and laughed.

 

"Four more miles!” Meredith said. She swerved around an SUV and then nearly crippled an Amish carriage. Not sure they were supposed to be on the freeway anyway.

 

By now, the police had seen us. Three floating stars appeared in the sky above us as they turned on their sirens and gave chase.

 

Meredith opened the secret compartment near the gear shift, where an entire control panel of levers and switches were hidden. "Not today, coppers." She flipped the yellow switch near the bottom of the panel and a single banana peel was launched from the back of the truck, landing directly in front of the lead police car. The policeman tried to maneuver around it, but his front left tire hit it and he ended up doing a full 360-degree turn. The two marked cars behind him pulled ahead and began advancing on us on either side.

 

"Three miles..."

 

"We have to hold them off!" RNGeta shouted. He hurried to the back of the van and lifted the rear door. Grabbing a bag of mail, he started pulling out Stranded Deep platinums and launching them at the cop cars. Ethan and I joined him and, wow, that sure was a lot of useless junk. I was glad we could finally unload it.

 

"YOU'RE ALL FUCKIN' INSANE!" Ajna was screaming, clutching the dashboard with both hands as if that was going to save her from a head-on collision.

 

"Two miles!"

 

We were out of platinums and the cops were really gaining on us now. They were so close that I could see the determined look in their eyes, even behind their tinted shades.

 

"I'll use my Big Bang Attack!" RNGeta said. "Stand back!"

 

"No superpowers!" I told him. "Remember, the autographs."

 

"DAMMIT, CASSAROT! We're out of other options!"

 

Three more cop cars joined the chase, followed by a helicopter. How long before the entire PPD was on us?

 

Meredith had to pull us close to a guardrail as a caravan of school buses rolled by, causing sparks to shoot through the air. The cop cars lined up in single file and rode the guardrail. The lead car was inches away from our bumper as we weaved back into our lane.

 

"One mile!"

 

"We're not going to make it!" Ethan cried. He began swinging his foot at the police car.

 

It was at that moment that Meredith heard Master Roshi's voice in her ear.

 

"Use the force, Meredith," he said over the speaker.

 

Meredith nodded and closed her eyes. Her hands slowly drifted from the wheel.

 

"W-what are you doing now!?" Ajna screamed. "Don't use the force! USE THE BRAKES!"

 

But Meredith was a million miles away. Ajna just couldn't understand the power of the force.

 

Ethan, RNGeta, and I turned around just in time to see a motherfuckin' monster truck taking up three lanes and careening towards us. Its grill was bigger than our entire van. The headlights were blinding us as it made zero effort to move out of the way.

 

Ajna leapt for the steering wheel and yanked it towards her. The tires skidded across the pavement. The monster truck blared its horn. We began spinning and clipped the front end of the vehicle, but we glanced off and hit the guardrail head-on. The mail truck flipped through the air and we were weightless for a second. I waved at Ajna in slow motion as we floated through the air.

 

Meredith opened her eyes to see the odometer flip over to five miles. She did a fist pump and we began high-fiving each other as the van slammed into the earth and erupted in a fiery inferno. Pieces of our vehicle flew everywhere. Our bodies were thrown against the grass. Every part of me went numb at once.

 

Somehow, the speaker survived the crash and we could hear Master Roshi's voice coming through the static.

 

"...Wow, you kids are idiots," he said. "Well, if any of you are still alive, I guess you passed the first trial. Check the glove compartment for the first Dragon Ball."

 

The glove compartment opened on its own. I guess there was nothing holding in place anymore anyway. A brown orb with the symbol of a bear on it rolled out and ended up in Meredith's hands. She winked at me through the broken sunglasses that were dangling over her face and then passed out. I was barely conscious myself. RNGeta had landed facefirst in the ground, with his butt sticking up in the air. His pants were caught around his ankles. Ethan was next to him and Ajna was still in the passenger seat, hanging upside down and trying desperately to unbuckle her seatbelt as the flames surrounded her. With the last of my energy, I reached up and released the restraint. She landed on top of me.

 

Right before everything went black, I watched the cop cars drive past the burning wreckage and turn into Dunkin' Donuts.

Edited August 13, 2023 by Cassylvania

[Taruta13]

That was hilarious.

 

On the upside, I finally got my Yoshimitsu to the Nexus stage and now have only three more steps to get the ultimate relic knives for my ninja.

[Cassylvania]

TRIAL #2: ThE tRiAl Of ThE bUtTeRfLy

 

We hitched a ride with the tow truck driver -- a burly dog who was born with the unfortunate name of Pawblo Escobark -- back to our crappy motel in downtown Philadelphia. We had no money to give him, but Meredith assured us she had "other" ways to pay. After her success with the first trial, she had earned our trust, so we left her to Pawblo and headed up the stairs. Ajna, who had been uncharacteristically silent the entire drive back into town, turned into her room and slammed the door, while Ethan, RNGeta, and I entered the room immediately adjacent to it. Ethan went into the bathroom to wash the blood from his face and RNGeta turned on the TV and started laughing hysterically at whatever was on. I'm pretty sure it was the news.

 

As for me... well, I was used to taking a beating. The others may not have wanted to admit it, but I knew that if we had done the trial the way Master Roshi had asked, we would still be sitting in traffic. PennDOT was the worst. The only question now was what the other trials would involve. I remembered Master Roshi's words: "THE BEAR. THE BUTTERFLY. THE LIZARD. THE SHARK. AND THE RAT." Was each of these trials supposed to test us in a different way? At the very least, the next one sounded nice. What could be so bad about a butterfly? They were the tastiest of all insects. I curled into a ball and let my imagination carry me to sleep.

 

The next day, we exited our door at the same time Ajna, Meredith, and Pawblo for some reason exited theirs. Ajna looked even more pissed and disgusted than usual. We let her vent out her anger while I borrowed her phone and dialed the number for Maser Roshi.

 

"For the next trial, you will need to go to the nearest McDonald's," he told us. "I will explain the rest once you are there."

 

We asked Pawblo for a ride. He said he would need to put on his pants and he would be right with us. I had no idea why he left his clothes in the girls' motel room, but then I realized Meredith had probably agreed to do his laundry for him as a means of payment. She'd need to do a lot more laundry after all of this was over.

 

The nearest McDonald's was literally right across the street -- I recognized it as the last one we had stopped at during our quest to visit them all -- so Pawblo let us off and took the still-burning wreckage of our mail truck to the shop to hopefully be fixed. I can't speak for the others, but I for one was sure excited about filling up on my four hundredth Egg McMuffin this month. Unfortunately, Master Roshi had other plans.

 

"No food!" he told us. "You will not want to eat before the next trial..." He cackled, which was probably not a good sign, and told us to enter the third door on the left. It took us to the PlayPlace area -- something I thought every McDonald's in the country had done away with. I guess I was wrong. We got a few weird look from parents as we took a seat near the giant maze of tubes and tunnels in the center of the room.

 

"Shaun would have loved it here," Ethan said, and my heart sank for him.

 

"The next Dragon Ball is in the ball pit," Master Roshi told us. "You will need to crawl through the playground in order to reach it!"

 

"You have to be fuckin' kidding me," Ajna said. We all had to shush her. There were children present! "Seriously, what the hell? How did it even end up there?"

 

"I do not choose where the Dragon Balls go! The Dragon Balls choose their location, just like they choose their owner."

 

"Whatever. Meredith, go get it."

 

"The old lady is not eligible for another trial! There are five trials and five of you. You must each undertake one trial ALONE if you are to recover all the balls."

 

"What kind of stupid ass rule is--"

 

We had to shush her again. Geez, Ajna. Some of the parents were starting to get upset.

 

"Well, this is an easy one," Ajna said. "All we have to do is get through that playground. How bad could that be?"

 

"You sure you're going to fit?" RGNeta sneered. The look Ajna shot him could have burned a hole right through his face. I kinda wish it had.

 

Ajna walked over to plastic tube that led into the playground, knelt down, and peered inside. What she saw made her stomach churn. McVomit everywhere. Whoever was in charge of cleaning the place had not done a very good job. Kids were actively drooling and wiping their noses against every crevice. Wads of gum were stuck to the ceiling and bacteria was rampant. One kid was even eating nuggets off the floor. Ajna covered her mouth and hurried back towards us. She didn't stop there. She ran past the table and disappeared into the women's restroom.

 

"I'm not doing it," she said, when she had at least returned. "Ethan, you go."

 

He hung his head. "This place reminds me too much of Jason. I don't think I can do it..."

 

"Well, I'm certainly not doing it!" RNGeta said. "I HATE children."

 

"I'd do it, but I'm apparently banned from participating in this trial," Meredith said.

 

It went back and forth like this for a while. It wasn't until a tiny voice spoke up that they finally listened.

 

"I will do it," I said. Apparently, they couldn't hear me, so I had to speak louder. "I will do it!"

 

Master Roshi closed his eyes on the other end of the phone. I don't know how I knew this. Stories are much easier to write when they're told in third-person.

 

"I will take the Dragon Ball from the McDonald's PlayPlace," I said. "Though I do not know the way..."

 

"You take a right at the first pipe and then ride the slide down," Ajna said.

 

"Oh, OK." I stepped forward. The tunnel awaited. I could smell the smelly smell of children who smelled smelly. I reached my front paw in and immediately felt something sticky clinging to my fur. With a grimace (not the purple one), I took a deep breath and entered. The walls around me were coated in ketchup and saliva. I tried not to think how many kids had been here before me.

 

As I moved, I saw the beady little eyes of a snot-nosed brat. She was blocking my only way forward.

 

"Kitty," she said, looking directly at me. She got down on all fours and started crawling towards me. "I wanna pet the kitty."

 

"No! Bad kid! Bad."

 

She took a swipe at my tail. I leapt over her head and tried to scurry forward, but she was quicker than she seemed. She turned on a dime and I had to duck in the left tunnel to keep her grubby paws from reaching me.

 

I zipped through the tunnel at lightning speed and popped my head up at the top of the PlayPlace. I waved down at my group of friends, but only Ethan waved back. I don't think the others were even paying attention.

 

Suddenly, the tunnel lit up to let me know the toddler was traveling through the same pipe. I hopped back in and warped directly past her. The pipes in Rain World worked this way too. When she poked her head out and didn't see me, she shuffled back into the pipe and I had to juke her out again. We kept pipe-hopping until she got bored and started crawling the other way. That was when I made a break for it. I scurried through the tunnel, dodging puddles of what smelled like urine, and reached the top of the slide.

 

"I have no idea what any of this has to do with a butterfly," I said to myself, as I hopped into the slide. I was expecting something epic. Instead, I had to practically pull myself down as the walls and floor were anything but slippery. I spilled into the ball pit, where a group of kids started screaming. It was like they had never seen a furry rodent before.

 

"You made it!" Meredith said, running over to the netting. "Quick, find the Dragon Ball!"

 

I started digging around in the ball pit. There were balls of many colors, but only one of them was glowing. It was yellow and had the outline of a butterfly. The glow became brighter as I reached towards it. Securing my paws around it, I clawed my way back to the surface and held it up for everybody to see. The light was absolutely blinding!

 

Meredith, Ethan, and RNGeta started cheering and whooping on the other side of the net. Ajna was busy playing Candy Crush on her phone. Meredith reached into her pants and pulled out a serrated knife so she cut through the netting that separated us. That was when the remaining parents grabbed their kids and ran out the door.

 

"You did it!" Master Roshi shouted over the phone, startling Ajna and causing her to lose her game. "Wow, I didn't think any of you were going to do that trial. I'll have to think up a harder one for next time."

 

"Next time?" Ajna echoed. "Wait a second. What do you mean 'think up'? I thought the balls were already hidden!"

 

"Gotta go, bye!"

 

Ajna screamed a bunch of obscenities, which made me glad all the kids were gone.

 

"Is she ever not in a bad mood?" Ethan asked.

 

We all shook our heads.

Edited August 14, 2023 by Cassylvania

[Taruta13]

On 8/12/2023 at 9:38 PM, Cassylvania said:

I wouldn't call it Diet Shantae. I'd call it Crystal Shantae

Actually, I'd call MBatCK Zero Sugar Shantae - it tastes almost like the original but it different enough to give a weird aftertaste.

 

Also, I guess I'm glad you didn't change back from a slugcat, that Rain World experience really helped in that smelly kid's pit.

Edited August 16, 2023 by Taruta13

[Cassylvania]

On 8/15/2023 at 9:44 PM, Taruta13 said:

Also, I guess I'm glad you didn't change back from a slugcat, that Rain World experience really helped in that smelly kid's pit.

 

Being small and furry has its advantages! If you want to call it that...

 

Anyway, I've been doing some thinking. Since we lost Yakuza 0 from PS+ Extra this month and we're about to lose Through the Darkest of Times next month, I think I'm just going to remove them from the wheel. No replacements or alternatives. I think that's the fairest way to deal with this situation. I was going to say if I did roll Yakuza, I'd just fill it in with either a different Yakuza game (assuming any are still free on PS+) or one that I already own for whatever reason, but I don't know what I'd do with TtDoT. I don't like the idea of coming up with a different game for that slot because it's not fair for that game to have less chances to be rolled than the games that will be there for the entire year, and forcing myself to buy the game or rush through before it's removed isn't fun or in the spirit of the event.

 

But what this DOES is increase the chance of any of the other nineteen games (24 - 3 I've played - 2 that have been removed from the service) to be rolled, and it will only be a problem if Sony removes more than a dozen of the games on the wheel by May 2024. I don't think that'll happen.

 

Yes, I realize this is playing with fire.

Edited August 17, 2023 by Cassylvania

[Taruta13]

I do understand that is a problem, but better than just trying to rush platinums you don't like because they are being delisted from PS+.

 

By the by, I noticed you had some games on your trophy card that intrigued me...

[Cassylvania]

Well, I was going to wish everybody a happy 6th anniversary of this thread, but I see the new PSNP format stole my thunder. At least everybody can enjoy the pleasure of dark mode now, it seems.

 

11 hours ago, Taruta13 said:

By the by, I noticed you had some games on your trophy card that intrigued me...

 

I have gone a bit crazy with the new games this week, haven't I? It also just occurred to me that I need to be careful about what I play because we're quickly approaching a new milestone. One that I have done zero planning for.

 

Hm.

[Rally-Vincent---]

1 minute ago, Cassylvania said:

Well, I was going to wish everybody a happy 6th anniversary of this thread, but I see the new PSNP format stole my thunder. At least everybody can enjoy the pleasure of dark mode now, it seems.

 

I don't like dark modes, so Happy Threadiversary.

[DrBloodmoney]

Happy Anniversary to the mack-daddy checklist!

You’ve created a hell of a thing here, Cassy, for real.

 

Simultaneously a wealth of gaming knowledge, a public diary that’s engaging and interesting, and a place where people can consistently rely on always finding some thoughtful takes and some good back and forth, and for that you should be very proud! 👏

 

Also, I think, given the longevity and outrageous view count on this thread, in a very real sense it could be argued that you are as responsible as anyone for actually legitimising this entire side of the site - and showing that it’s perfectly possible to build a great thing if you just don’t stop, and keep adding to it…

 

…which I know was an inspiration for me in starting my own, and I suspect I’m not the only one!

 

🫡

 

Truly amazing to see such a thing built be someone who is only a forum “newbie” 😝😜

[Cassylvania]

47 minutes ago, DrBloodmoney said:

Truly amazing to see such a thing built be someone who is only a forum “newbie” 😝😜

 

Appreciate all the kind words! I'll never know why this thread has the view count it does (I usually just claim I sit here and spam F5 all day), but I've always been thankful for the support I get and I'm glad so many other people were inspired to do the same, whether I was part of that inspiration or not. I think the greatest thing about video games is the stories they create, and I'm glad we have this little corner of the internet to exchange those stories.

 

One of my biggest regrets is not creating this thread sooner. I believe I was 75 platinums into this account when I finally did, and obviously I had been making and remaking accounts for a few years prior to that. I hate knowing that this could have been our 12th anniversary instead of 6th if I hadn't so much of my life bothered by stupid things like OCD. I've tried to keep things here as entertaining as I can, but I'm obviously limited by the material the games I play give me, and I realize I don't always come across as a positive person when I'm tearing into games that other people may be very passionate about. I don't think any developer has ever read this thread, but that's always in the back of my mind, like, how would I feel if somebody was critiquing my own work? I'd probably think I'm an asshole. But... I'll always be the harshest critic of myself. I hope the people who come into this thread and read what I have to say understand that and are at least able to see things from my point of view, even if we don't see eye-to-eye on everything.

 

I don't always have the time to read every other thread on here, but I do think the trophy checklists are by far the best sub-forum we have on here. I think it's one of the only sub-forums I see where people aren't at each other's throats or getting grilled for voicing their opinions, which is pretty bizarre when you consider that's the main thing we're doing here. I've always really enjoyed seeing the creative things people have done with their own checklists. I don't think I'm some sort of pioneer here. I've never been one to stick to a particular format because I felt that would stifle my own creativity, but I've always tried to inject my voice into these reviews. It's been a worthwhile experience and I'm thankful people are still here after all these years reading this.

 

Anyway, that's the kind of sappy response I was going to say before I saw all the changes that had been made to the site. Hopefully it doesn't destroy the formatting in the original post. I know sometimes when a site is updated, the older content can take a beating... I really don't feel like reorganizing the OP again.

 

(I don't get the new badges at all.)

Edited August 17, 2023 by Cassylvania

[DrBloodmoney]

14 minutes ago, Cassylvania said:

I don't always have the time to read every other thread on here, but I do think the trophy checklists are by far the best sub-forum we have on here. I think it's one of the only sub-forums I see where people aren't at each other's throats or getting grilled for voicing their opinions, which is pretty bizarre when you consider that's the main thing we're doing here. 

 

 

Lol - I know exactly what you mean. Like, out in the main forums, we'll all get caustic and ready to throw down over minor differences of opinions...

...yet here, folks will have complete divergences and totally polar opposite views on games, but it all stays thoughtful and pretty nice!